The Good, The Bad, & The Family

Dear Drunk Driver,

2012-01-11T09:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Drunk Driver,

It's been 15 months since you hit us. I know this because my baby, who was 4 weeks old and in the car, is now 16 months old. I know that because I have been in pain for 15 months. I have been through physical therapy, chiropractic, massage, and three rounds of cortisone injections in the last 15 months. I have been on pain killers for 15 months. And I am still not fixed.

I have trouble lifting my right arm due to the damaged disks in my neck that have left me with painful nerve damage in my arm. It's painful to put on a jacket or fasten my own bra. It's hard to lift my own children. My arm is weak. I've woken up in the middle of the night unable to feel my arm or tell if my hand is touching something. Thanks for that.

I am now 2 inches shorter than I was before you slammed into us. TWO inches. That's about 1/2 and inch for each disk that you damaged. My spine is still a bit twisted. While it's no longer this bad,

My hips don't sit even and I wear down the botton of the shoes on my right foot faster that my left and the clothes I wear always end up twisted to the right of my body. I have had chronic headaches since the accident. For months they were so painful I couldn't get out of bed some days until the handful of painkillers finally set in. This made me unable to take care of my children.

So tell me drunk driver, were those few beers worht it? Did you have a good time with your buddies? Was it worth it not to wait until you were 21 to drink? Was it worth it not to wait a few hours until you were sober before driving home?

For the record, I don't wish you harm. I don't want your life to be ruined by this event. You were just a kid. But I do want you to learn. I hope this has been an aweful experience for you too. I hope you kow how lucky you are that no one was killed that night. I hope you realize that God was with you. Yes. You. You were so lucky that we were all in S.U.V.'s and that the car you hit head on after you hit us was a Hummer. You were blessed that night just as we were. But I hope that this shook you. I hope you NEVER make this choice again. I hope that when you got out of your car and saw that you hit a car full of babies that it shook you. I hope you understand the repricussions and that you don't think yourself the victim. I hope you understand why you went to jail and why it's hard to get insurance now or why employers may pass you up because of your history. And I hope you take all these seriosly and accept your responisbility for them.

As for me, I am still working on recovery. Pain free days are few and far between and surgery may be in my future as all the therapies we've tried these last 15 months haven't yielded results. There's been improvement, but I'm not fixed. I'm tired of doctor's appointments and pain killers. I'm tired of not being able to sleep or waking up in pain. I'm tired of having to think about how I'm going to carry my baby. I'm just tired.

So please drunk driver, promise you'll never do this again. Please know it's not worth it. Please tell your friends how hard this has been. Now that you know better, do better.

Wrap it up! A year in review as inspired by @daddyrunsalot

2012-01-07T14:44:00.000-08:00

2011 was quite a year. The plate was full but thankfully in many great ways. After the suckage that was 2010, it was a relief to start filling days with happy things. Sure there were hiccups and stubles but comparitively it was a great year.

So here is the year in review. This idea was ~~stolen~~ borrow from my twin John (@daddyrunsalot) over at daddyrunsalot.com - who I adore! It's a glance at the last year of my life in blogs, which I know you've all be eagerly waiting for!

January
Great blog month where I wrote about My Modern Family, My baby growing too fast, my strong opinions on a mother's right to breast feed wherever she wants, sporting my Coach diaper bag at the welfare office, the day I contracted Cooties, coping with my father-in-law's suicide a year later,  the ingredients for a great husband, and I responded to an article I was quoted in for The Chicago Tribune in which they called pregnancy bed rest a myth.

February
For such a short month, February offered up an abundance of blogs for my readers!  I started the month by coming to terms with the fact that I drive a mini-van. I then wrote one of my most popular posts which was a recipe for Pizza Cupcakes. I blogged about my hatred for mornings, declared all of my boys my Valentines,  realized that I needed to get my sense of humor back, took a good hard look at my post baby body and threw up in my mouth a little,  got a Stylish Blogger award, got mad at the grandma who took over my body, created a grattitude challenge to thank all the people who were amazing to my family the year before,   questioned my own parenting (so you don't have to), and I took a good hard look at why I didn't grow up to be a mermaid.

March
I started March reflecting on the fact that at that time a year before I could have died and my baby could have died. I became a skinny brain surgeon, I realized a was a little fish in this whole blogging thing, I saw my 4 year old's heart, and I wrote my number one most popular blog of all time about what strong ass bitches my family pumps out!

April
April garnered fewer blogs. But I was able to still declare my hatred for the dentist,  I said goodbye to my grandpa almost a half year after he died, I got irritated by bad customer service, and I got lost in paradise!

May
As the year continued, the baby got busier, and I had more on my plate I didn't get to blog as much. Ah, the life of a parent! But in May I wrote about turning 35, tried to keep you all tuning in, wrote about my Maui memorial, I was able to declare my love for a support group that has heloed my husband and I deal with his father's suicide,  I summed up what it's like to live in a house full of boys, and rejoiced in having a normal day.

June
I apparently was feeling overwhelmed with being a stay at home mom in June. While I was only able to crank out two blogs the entire month, they were good. The first was about the imbalance between what happens on Father's day vs. Mother's day. The next is one of my favorite pieces I have ever written and it has since been in my top 10 read blogs of all time! It's more of a thesis on housewivery's history.

July
July offered up some highs and lows. My first blog was a rant on the demons that haunt you when you raise a child with any type of special need. Then I slid right into the battle between myself and the mirror, I wondered how the music I listened to growing up got to be considered "Oldies", and I let it all out when I declared that every mom just needs a good f$*#!

August
I went back to work in July so August was my first full month as a working mom again. The first of two blogs I managed in August examined my thoughts on getting back to "normal".   In my second offering I shared our philisophy on parenting and the lessons we have learned (so far). You're welcome.

September
Somehow in September I upped the blog count! I am always amused by the search terms used to find my blog and how absolutely random and quite often filthy they are- and how they lead people to me! SO that was my first blog. Then I took you into the dark underworld of baby fight club, shared what makes my marraige perfect, I showed my boobs on an x-ray,  said goodbye to my beloved All My Children, and did my fisrt and only (not so) wordless Wednesday.

October
The remainder of the year was a downword blogging spiral with little to offer. But what there was, was amusing! October was a detail of all the things mommies don't need now that they have kids.

November
We ended the blogging year in November when my husband suffered a second loss due to suicide when his childhood best friend took his own life.

I am comitted to getting more of these blogs out of my head in 2012. Even though the writing got slim towards the end of 2011, the blogs were all there. They were just trapped in my little mommy head while I learned how to juggle three kids and a job. But I haven't forgotten you my dear readers! So look for more in 2012 and thanks for sticking with me!

Larry The Toll Booth Guy

2012-01-02T11:43:00.000-08:00

Since I've returned to work,. I've had to adjust to sitting in traffic on the way to work and on the way home. most days it's not too bad and I manage a half hour commute. But sometimes it gets heavy and I get stuck in an hour to an hour and a half of traffic. But I recently found a remedy to make the traffic bearable. I have an iPhone so I'll pull up my Netflix app and listen to stand up comedy routines while I sit in traffic. Yes, I'm that crazy lady alone in her car laughing her ass off.

A few weeks ago I was listening to a comedian who had a piano brought out on stage so he could read some of his poetry. He didn't play piano so he asked if anyone in the audience did. Several people responded with raised hands and drunken hoots and hollers. Ultimately Larry was chosen.

Larry walked on stage slowly and at his own pace. He was a heavy set gentleman in a T-shirt and hoodie, shorts, and tennis shoes. He had a dopey look on his face and an even dopier laugh. Some would say that he may have been enjoying a treat of the green leafy variety before the show. He sat down at the piano. The comedian asked his name and what he did for a living. He answered that his name was Larry and that he was a toll booth collector. Classic comedy fodder. The comedian and Larry exchanged a few jokes and chuckles back and forth. Easy money for the comedian as Larry just sat and giggled at every witty comment with no retort. Just a stupid look on his face. God love him.

Then it was time for the poetry. This comedian's shtick was to read funny and obscure "poems" while someone played different songs in the back ground. All of it was unrehearsed since he pulled his piano player from the audience each time. Whether the player was good or bad, this was a classic comedy formula. There is no way this wouldn't end up funny!

So he asked Larry to play something smooth. And no one saw what came next. Larry the toll booth guy was a classically trained pianist! He played beautifully. Exquisite even. I was blown away!

It's been weeks since I listened to this show. And I keep thinking about Larry the toll booth guy. I, just as everyone else in that crowd, took one look at this guy and expected that we were in for a performance of chopsticks or Twinkle Twinkle. But we judged too quickly. Who knew this portly fellow with the stupid grin and the blue collar job was sitting on this amazing talent. And why wasn't he using this gift? It made me wonder how many of us stop using our talents. What happened that made us abandon our dreams and stop using our gifts. Why aren't we the things we wanted to be when we were little. Didn't they tell us that we could be anything we wanted to be? Did Larry really dream of being a toll booth guy? Methinks that he didn't spend hours practicing with a coach to be a toll booth worker. Methinks those hours were spent at a piano.

I know my current profession wasn't my childhood dream. I also know what took me off course. I became a mom at an early age. Dream chasing stopped and paycheck chasing began. While I'm good at what I do and it definitely takes care of my family, it's not what I dreamed and it's not what I feel I was born to do. So where do we go from here? How do I get back to the place where I chase my dreams? Are we all Larry? Are we all sitting on our gifts? Are we all hiding such incredible talent that no one can see?

This comedy show I listened to on my way to work one morning left me with many questions. It also reminded me not to judge people by their appearance or even what they do for a living. We are more than our clothing and we are more than the title on our business cards. Let us not ever forget that.

Thank you for the unexpected lesson Larry the Toll Booth Guy.

The Second Time Around

2011-11-09T12:41:00.000-08:00

So October became a blogging bust. The month got side railed when we had an unexpected tragedy strike. A childhood friend of my husband’s took his own life. As you can imagine, this sent my husband reeling. Especially because many of the circumstances surrounding this man’s suicide were similar to my father-in-law’s suicide, which my husband is still processing.

I spent a good portion of the month being angry. Angry at my father-in-law, angry at my husband’s friend, and just angry that I have to watch my husband hurt so much. I love him and I want to fix him. But this isn’t a “fixable” situation. Suicide leaves a mark that never goes away. So we don’t fix, but we learn how to incorporate our grief and frustration into life moving forward. That is what my husband has been trying to do. He tries to heal while I sit on the outside protectively watching over and being angry that he has to endure this.

The week before his friend committed suicide, I was angry at my father-in-law. It was the week of my husband’s birthday so my husband had lots of pain and mixed feelings. See, once someone you love dearly commits suicide, every holiday and birthday after that is marred. You wish you could see that person or make that phone call. But you can’t. Something is just missing. So I was just mad and my husband was just hurting. Then to find out that this had happened to his friend sent me into protective mode and I was mad again. Here’s what I came to realize and if you are considering suicide please know this:

Suicide doesn’t take the pain away, it just transfers it to the people you love.

True story. At my S.O.S. group we hear so many stories of how our loved ones were in a daily agonizing pain that we cannot even comprehend. Knowing they aren’t in that pain anymore provides some sort of weird comfort. But what are we left with? Daily tears and questions. While we can still rationalize that despite our pain life is worth living, it is still an unbearable mess some days. And, yes, it’s not fair that we now carry it.

My husband’s friend had 2 daughters and a wife that are now a part of our exclusive group. His daughters are 18 & 10. His wife is now a widow. He suffer from bi-polar disorder and was attempting to step down off his lithium so he could feel like himself again. Now he's gone. Not fair. But is it also fair to ask this man to continue to suffer a depression we can’t comprehend? Was the love he felt for his family not stronger that the loathing he had for his life? Did he stop to think about the wake that his absence would leave in the lives of the people who loved him so dearly? Is it fair that his parents have now outlived a child? These are the questions that will never be answered and they are the weight that his family will carry. I know because we carry the same weight.

Because my husband’s grief process was delayed for a year due to my bed rest, he is in the muck of it right now. And he is now in the double muck because he has lost a father as well as a good friend. My husband is a good man. The best man I have ever met. I know he will get through this. But I worry about him. I want him to be happy and whole. I don’t know how long that’s going to take or if he will ever be the same again. But we made vows so we will continue to evolve together. He is my best friend and my heart.

Mommies Don't Poop

2011-10-01T10:32:00.000-07:00

OOOOOOOOOOH the exhaustion of motherhood. And we're all in the same boat. You now it well. Here is who you have become ladies. Yes. It's true. According to our kids, the following no longer need to occur because we pushed a person out of our vaginas.

1) Mommy's don't poop. This has to be true because out kids certainly don't see the need for us to go to the bathroom anymore and when we do we clearly need their supervision.

2) Mommies don't stink. We are fresh and clean all day and no longer require a shower. If we dare to take one, the shower alarm goes off. It sounds oddly similar to our children screaming & fighting.

3) Mommies don't need dates. Mom and dad (or mom & mom or dad & dad or mom & boyfriend- you get my drift) love being at home covered in poop & boogers and staying home on a Saturday night. Why on Earth would we need to talk to other grown ups, dress up nice, eat foods that weren't coated in cheese or fried, or watch a movie without a "P" or "G" in the rating?

4) Mommies don't have sex. We enjoy being pent up. Oh- and babies come from the baby factory. Not from sex.

5) Mommies don't need sleep. Sleep is for babies! With enough Red Bull & Coffee mom will be fine.

6) Mommies don't need warm food, or food at all- Who's the last to the table? Mom. Who's barely getting a bite in their mouths between feeding baby, refilling drinks, cleaning up spills, & breaking up fights? Mom. If we get to clear our plates our food will be ice cold. We like it that way. Ask our kids.

The list is probably longer but I haven't had any sleep and I barely had breakfast so my brain is a little cloudy. But I'll be fine. Just ask my kids.

(Not so) Wordless Wednesdays

2011-09-28T13:48:00.000-07:00

I don't know who invented Wordless Wednesday but they obviously didn't have me in mind! I know we're supposed to post pictures and I certaily have those. But the whole worldess thing aint gonna work.

So here's the words behind my pictures.

Last Wednesday Iw as driving to work at ass thirty in the morning. Now, for those of you that know me, I DESPISE anything that has to do with the morning. But on this particular morning, I had to relent. God made a pretty amazing sunrise. Here are the pictures I took while driving to work. It was truly magnificent watchign the morning sunrise unfold. Enjoy!

The End of A TV Era

2011-09-24T09:10:00.000-07:00

I'm mad. I mean I'm really mad. And disappointed too. And if I'm being honest, I'm a little disgusted as well. Yesterday I watched the end of an era. I watched a part of American history come to an end. I watched pieces of my childhood shut the door. And it just makes me mad.

All My Children has been a daily staple of American households for over 40 years. There's something about All My Children that America loves more than any other soap opera. Could it be the magnificent Erica Kane? Or the fiendish Adam Chandler. Is it the love affairs that swept us all off our feet like Jessie & Angie or Tad & Dixie? Or Erica and Jeff martin, Tom Cudahy, Adam Chandler (twice), Dimitri Marik (twice), Travis Montgomery (twice), and Jackson Montgomery (1.5 times).

I personally have watched it since I was a child when my mom would watch it and I continued to watch into adulthood. Hell! I was sure not to miss it while I was in labor with my first son! While I was pushing! The dedication runs deep y'all. And last year while I was on bed rest for 23 weeks All My Children was my daily transport out of the walls of my room and into another world.

So I'm really disappointed in ABC. Shame on you for choosing a more "cost effective" production. I'm sure that soaps like All My Children & One Life To Live (Which has also been pulled off the air) come with a larger than average production cost. And I'm sure that reality shows (barf) like The Chew are cheaper to produce. But what good are they if pissed off fans like me refuse to watch them?

I know that everyone is looking for ways to save money now a days. The economy sucks. I get that. But what ABC fails to consider is that classic soaps like these are an escape for the rest of America that has lost their job and are struggling every single day to get by. It's a moment in our day where we can follow the lives of other people who's troubles far exceed our own. And when I say the LIVES of these people that's exactly what I mean. Not the SEASONS. We have known these people our whole lives. Day in and day out. 5 days a week we are with them. They are family. We've watched their kids grow up and their lives take turns that we never saw coming (and some that we did!). We've rooted for them (19 Emmy nods and FINALLY 1 win for Erica!) and fell in love with them.

But to ABC it's all bottom line. I really think they did the wrong thing here. This is Americana. And they threw it out on the street to be replaced by some crap cooking show we could easily get in 5 different versions on the Food Network. But where will we get another All My Children? I'll tell you where. ABC has licenced the rights to Prospect Park who will continue production in an online format. I'm super happy that our "stories" will live on but I'm still unimpressed with ABC who saved money cutting the show then made money licencing it! So they are making money by dropping an American Classic. That's crap y'all.

Look. I'm just a silly mom blogger. ABC has its reasons. Whatever. I just wanted to show my support for a group of people who have been a part of my life my whole life. I really hope Prospect Park is able to continue this American Legacy in all its glory. I, and legions of other fans, will be glued to our computers following these lives and stories we have come to love.

Cussy McCusserton

2011-09-20T21:54:00.000-07:00

I’ve struggled with a dirty mouth my whole life. I blame it on my higher than usual testosterone levels for a girl and my brief affair with a sailor (true story). Since becoming a mom I REALLY try to hold my tongue and be a good girl. But it doesn’t always work. When I lose my temper it just feels good to drop an F bomb or two. Hell. I wrote a whole blog about that dirty little pleasure! I also tend to have a dirty mouth when I’m in pain. If I hurt in any way I’ll cuss. That’s how my loved ones know that I’m in pain. Ironically when the pain gets really bad, I switch to “Stupid” and I pout.

So anyhoo, this past year, since we got hit by the drunk driver last October, I have been dealing with lots of pain. My back, my neck, headaches, and nerve damage to my right arm. Sometimes it’s “stupid” bad and sometimes it’s just “F-bomb” bad. I’ve done massage, physical therapy, chiropractic, pain killers, and cortisone steroid injections to ease the pain. We’re making progress but there’s always some level of pain each day.

Then in Mid-July I was blessed to have rejoined my prior employer and become employed again after 17 months of unemployment! Being that almost 7 months of that was spent on bed rest and 9 months of it had been spent dealing with my injuries from the accident, it’s been a hard adjustment to go back to work. I’m trying to adjust from going from extremely minimal activity & stimulation to 100 MPH each day! I’m exhausted!

The exhaustion paired with the pain has turned me into a Cussy McCusserton! I need to be stopped! Those of you who have followed my blog from the beginning may have noticed a few more cuss words than usual as of late. Oopsie! My bad! I’m really trying to stop!

You know it’s bad when your son- your TEENAGE son- tries to start a cuss jar. My response to that? I’m not fucking paying you when I cuss! Oopsie again! Point taken.

So I’m really trying my dear followers. I’ve never been much of a lady per se. More of a chick. I doubt my dirty mouth will ever be fully clean (Clean it up with Orbit?!) but I need to exercise that whole “there’s a time and a place” thing my mom taught me. Shit. This is gonna be hard.

My Perfect Marraige

2011-09-18T12:45:00.000-07:00

I was raised by a single mom. A strong and amazing single mom. I also was never that kid who sat around planning her wedding, perfect husband and how many kids she was going to have. I had other plans. So with these things said, I wasn't sure what I expected out of marriage. I wasn't raised within the boundaries of one. I didn't dream about what my someday marriage was going to be like. I just really didn't give it a lot of thought. All I really remember about my thoughts on marriage was that my mom always told me "When you settle, you get what you settle for". Those words stuck with me.

So going by my mom's unintentional rule, when I got to the point in my life where I dated I knew that I was going to be me. I was going to say what I felt and eat what I wanted. None of this be who he wanted me to be and certainly none of this salad eating giggling girl shit. I knew I wanted a guy who was excited to see me. Who thought I was beautiful and let me know it on a daily basis. I wanted a guy who was devoted to me. And raising your voice to me was never going to be an option for my man. Ever. I wanted a partner. Not a master. Cheating would be a deal breaker. Raising a hand to me would be a deal breaker (and a jaw breaker because I would fuck you up!). And some day if we had kids, the duties would be 50/50. No diaper dodging.

So suffice it to say, prior to my husband, my relationships were short. No longer than 9months to be exact. I didn't see it as a failure on my part. I saw it as a failure on their part. Because I knew what I wanted and for some reason those particular relationships didn't fit. No biggie. I didn't see the purpose in prolonging things if they didn't fit. Were there tears at the end sometimes? Sure. But in the long run there were far fewer than if we dragged it out for the sake of being in that relationship.

Enter my husband. We met when I was 22 and he was days shy of 28. I was a strong willed, mouthy single mother of a beautiful 2year old baby. He was an independent bachelor. Both of us were about a six pack away form being gay! Neither of us was looking for someone. We were on hiatus from love due to the exhaustion caused by previous dating endeavors. My husband, in his years, had been better in relationships. He had a couple long and meaningful ones. Me? Not so much. See above. But there was something there from the first day we met.

Things went slooooooooooow for us. He slept on my couch for months. We didn't day I love you for two years! We dated for six years before getting married. Much of our concern was for our son. I remember when we first started dating he looked me square in the eye and told me "If you EVER put me before your son, I'll walk". To which I let out a hearty guffaw and responded "You won't have to EVER worry about that!". But that was one of many "Good man flags" he put up while we were dating. He wanted to make sure that my son was the priority for both of us.

So apparently things went well because we have been together for 13 years and married for 7 of them. Our friends always tell us how they admire our relationship. And that goes for those who have lived with us. Day in and day out! It's not just a show y'all! So how do we stay so happy? It's kinda easy. Here's how I have the perfect marriage.

1) Accept that the perfect marriage doesn't exist- Wait. What? Have I read the title of my own blog? Here's the deal. Years ago I watched an Oprah show where some guy was talking about how Hollywood is ruining marriage. He said that we watch these movies about these perfect happy endings to these perfect happy marriages and we assume that's what ours should be like. So when we get in a lull or have a hard time we automatically think our marriages are broken and we file for divorce instead of accepting that it's a period in time that we will get through.

2) Sometimes you love them, and sometimes you like them- Marriage and relationships have ebbs and flows. There are times that I look at my husband and I am so deeply and profoundly in love with that man that I could just explode! Then there are times where I look at him and I just kinda like him like he's my best friend (which he is!). I don't feel guilty when I'm not falling all over myself with love for him. Have you ever dated someone who is like that all the time? It gets old. So be okay with the ebbs and flows. It doesn't mean you don't love him just because you like him.

3) Be grateful- I'm so serious about this one. Show gratitude to your spouse EVERY DAY. It doesn't have to be a big show with cards and flowers. I'm talking about a simple "Thanks for doing the dishes babe" or "I'm so glad you were able to take the kids to baseball practice". The every day things are the foundation to romance. Who gives a flying fuck about flowers and candy if your partner is only doing it to placate you because he/she doesn't do anything else to support your daily lives? Take the expectations out of your marriage and insert gratitude. It works wonders!

4) Let it all hang out!- My husband and I tell each other everything. But that's not enough in a marriage. you have to be willing to hear everything and accept that you may have a different outlook on things. Even though you are married, you are still two different people with different opinions. If I am feeling like the balance in our home has shifted from 50/50 to 60/40 I will tell my husband that I feel this way and why. Please note that it doesn't mean that it really IS 60/40 or that he let it become 60/40 on purpose. It just means that's what I'm feeling and we need to fix it. If I don't communicate about it it becomes a festering resentment inside me. If I do something I'm not proud of I my husband. If he has a naughty dream, he tells me. It's all out there folks! This is what makes me trust my husband completely and it allows me to admire him more for who he is. This honesty extends to social media folks. My husband has all my passwords and I have all his. I read him my blogs and Tweets. He knows alllllll about my Twitter life! And he loves me anyway.

5) Sometimes I'm easy & sometimes I'm not- SEX IS IMPORTANT IN MARRIAGE. It's not just important to HAVE it, it's important to like it! And once children enter the picture it certainly becomes more about quality than quantity! My husband and I understand that as parents, our love life revolves around our children. Sometimes they won't go to sleep. Sometimes they knock on the door. Sometimes we have just spent all of our energy chasing after them that we have nothing left to give each other at the end of the day! So there are some months where we are lucky enough to enjoy each other frequently ans there are other months where we forget what we look like naked. It's just part of the deal. It doesn't mean we don't love each other and it doesn't mean we aren't interested in sex with each other. It just means that for a season in our lives, we may have to sleep more than we fornicate. But when we DO do the do, we make it count! Know what your partner likes and be willing to do it (barring anything illegal or immoral. If it ends up on Dateline you may want to skip it). Also, since time is precious here folks, let them know what you like. Take care of you! And even when you aren't making magic, remember that the important thing to do is to still flirt. All day long! It's important to KNOW that even if you can't HAVE sex, that your spouse still WANTS to have sex! And it's important for your kids to see you being flirtatious and affectionate. When ever the kids act grossed out by our affection we always say "But your parents are in loooooooove!"

6) SAY "I LOVE YOU"- Never ever assume that your spouse knows this just because you put a ring on it. I love you needs to be said numerous times a day and every time you leave or hang up the phone. Your days are NOT guaranteed by any means. Don't be the woman who says "If I had only told him I loved him". My husband and I hold true to this- even when we are unhappy with each other. An angry, pouty "I love you" is better than none at all and it reminds us that despite the disagreement you still love each other. We don't go to sleep without an "I love you". We "I love you" the heck out of each other daily, especially around the kids. "I love you" is a security blanket for each other and your kids. Make it a habit immediately.

7) Keep it pretty people- Remember when you were dating and you dressed up and made sure your breath was minty and you smelled good? Well what part of the vows stated that you would only do this on special occasions after the wedding? You still need to impress your spouse. America's divorce rate is a testament to this. We should strive to be the person our spouse wants to come home to. Look. I'm fat. I just went through 23 weeks in bed while pregnant with a 10lb baby, a car accident, & gall bladder surgery all in a year's time. Working out hasn't been an option (outside of physical therapy). This takes a toll on your self esteem and make you want to throw your hands up and grab the closest pair of sweats! But fight that urge! Each day I shower, do full make up, hair, and perfume. I may not be the 140lb 20 something he fell in love with but I'm the strong, beautiful, amazing woman he chose to spend forever with so I'm going to make sure I look my best for him!

8) Marry the right person- It goes back to the "When you settle, you get what you settle for" rule my mom instilled in me. None of the above listed items matter much if you married someone just to marry them and you didn't make sure they are willing to truly share this journey with you. How many times have you known a couple who didn't discuss whether they want children or not until after they are married? And how many couples have you known that weren't on the same page sexually and it had negative effects on their marriage? Did your spouse expect you to stop being who you were once you "settled down"? These are good things to know prior to the wedding. Don't marry just to be married! Forever is a long ass time! Be sure the person you walk down the aisle with is not the one you are settling for.

Now I know that some of you may read this and roll your eyes. Maybe you are divorced and your marriage WAS happy for a really long time until some unforeseen shit hit the fan. I'm not by any mean daring to presume that this is the secret marriage formula that has been missing for millions of years until my husband and I discovered it. Not at all. I'm stating that this is the formula that has worked for my husband and our family. I love this man. I admire this man. I am grateful for him and I want to be better for him, myself, and our children as a result of our marriage. To us our marriage is perfect. This family is the love of my life and I will continue the work and do what it takes to protect it. Who knows that the future holds. Who knows how long we actually have. But for now I am proud of what we have built and I thank God every day for it.

Your mama's no saint kid.

2011-09-12T21:35:00.000-07:00

The other day I was yelling at the kids. No really. True story. Take a journey with me if you will. The 15 year old was fighting with the 4 year old- AGAIN. This all started when I selfishly stepped into a shower.

First rule of baby fight club: Always throw the smack down when mom is on the toilet or in the shower. This makes for optimal fight response.

So I come out of the bathroom still dripping wet (trust me it's not as hot as you think) and mad as Hell. "What are you fighting about NOW?!"
The answer was the usual "He never listens to me!"
"He was being mean!"
"He looked at me funny!"
"He hurt my feelings!"
Blah,blah,blah.
Followed by me begging them to explain what on Earth two kids 11 years apart in age can possibly have to fight about! Why can't they just get along? Do they like fighting? Why can't they speak kindly to each other? Why? WHY? WHYYYYYYYYYY?????
In my defense, this was the morning after the baby's 1st birthday BBQ and I hadn't had coffee yet. So I was begging. BEGGING to know why this continued to happen every time I stepped into the shower.

Second rule of baby fight club: No one talks. The less you say, the more that vein on mom's head throbs.

We're now at the point where neither kid will speak. That's infuriating! So I ask the oldest, as he glares at me, "Why are you so mad at him? He's FOUR!"

Then the response comes.

"I'm not mad at him. I'm mad at you"
WWWWWWWWTTTTTTTTTTTFFFFFFFFFFFFFF?!?!?!?!?!
"Mad at me?! WHY?"
"Because you always yell."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

Third rule of baby fight club: Deny. Deny. Deny. It's NEVER your fault. It's always the parents' fault. This rule carries into the teen years.

I then launch into the old "I only yell because you don't listen" diatribe. But later I sat and stewed on this moment. What on Earth makes our children think that we are these mommy robots who will willingly accept the fight and let them have at it without repercussions because this is what we signed up for. Are we not allowed to shower? Are we not allowed to sit alone in a bathroom for 5 minutes to do our business. Like the title "Mom" erased those rights for us?

Parents aren't perfect. We don't enter into parenthood perfect and we certainly don't achieve any level of sainthood as we navigate our way through the child rearing process. But our children are still thrown off when we have human moments like losing it when they fight.

Moms and Dads make bad decisions, swear, yell, etc. every day. Because we're people too. We use the bathroom and we shower too. So it's about time you get used to that! We cut you slack all the time so try and give us a bit of slack from time to time too. We aren't mommy & daddy robots. We have a history and a story. We fought with our siblings and made bad choices too. So we know a thing or two about the business of childhood.

Final rule of baby fight club: Never underestimate mom and dad. They have a crazy look in their eye and something tells me they won't go down without a fight.

The dirty panty pizza sex penis blog. Otherwise know as "The Best Blog in History"

2011-09-04T13:16:00.000-07:00

If you have found this blog by using a search engine and typing in key words of a certain nature, prepare to be grossly disappointed! This is soooooo not that blog! But it always amazes me how many people find my blog by typing in such seriously disturbing things! You are some sick puppies!

If you look at my top 10 blogs, there are some amazing pieces of literary art there. However, I'm willing to bet that they aren't all there based on their amazing literary content. Rather, they are at the top of the list because of sickos searching for naughty things that raised the click count. Some of these include:

My Big Girl Panties A story about being a strong woman. NOT a story about women's panties and if you mom, brother, sister, or room mate is currently wearing them.

Naughty Stories This is a blog about cherishing all the naughty things your children do because they make the best stories to tell down the line. NOT a story about naughty nurses, grandmas, girl scouts, or the like. You sick bastards.

And so it continues. Some of my favorite (I guess) search terms that have been used to find my blog include these classics:

"person with 2 penises"
"big lady knickers"
"Should I wear my sister's panties"
"naughty knickers"

But it's not just me that's a pervo magnet! It's my fellow bloggers as well! I asked my Tweeps to provide the funniest search terms used to find their blogs. Here's' what we got!

My homie Princess Amy at Not a Real Princess (Except to my boys) Has found "MILFs in thongs and Pooped my pants" in her stats. Awesome.

Then my girl Alisha at Blahyaya has gazed upon the words "True story mom and aunt fucked me". WTF?!

Lidia at Lidia-anain gets the extra special pleasure of having creepy stalker style search terms! "Lidia Anain lives, Lidia Anain age, & Lidia Anain pictures"

Over at Fairy Tale Forgotten my friend gets things like "Naked fairy tales". Huh?

Then there's the sad ones like my friend Michele at Professional Gremlin Wrangler who got this gem "I'm 16 pregnant and addicted to cocaine". How that lead anyone to her parenting blog is a mystery.

And finally my very favorite collection of search terms was provided by my Twitter Twin John over at Daddy Runs A Lot who checks his stats to see things like "bin Laden boobs," "midget porn," "how to maintain celibacy". Well some guys just get all the luck!

So no doubt that with all these search terms actually IN my blog, this will become my most popular post in all of history. Sad for the sickos who were expecting to see two kittens nursing on a naughty nurse while she defecates on a piano. But great for my stats! Thanks you sick fucks!

Relax. It's just parenting.

2011-08-27T11:01:00.000-07:00

I used to be a helicopter. I mean a full on hovering war craft looming over my kids and prepped for battle in the event that something were to happen or if they even started to make a bad decision. I was going to swoop in guns a blazing and stop it from happening! To some extent I still hang on to some of those helicopter mentalities. But for the most part I now realize that being this type of parent doesn't benefit your kids. It actually does more harm than good. The change in me came with a series of classes I took at church. It was "Parenting with Love & Logic". I highly recommend the DVD, Books, or classes if you have the chance! It changed who I was as a parent and the relationship I was on the verge of ruining with my (at the time) pre-teen.

The class taught me that my kids weren't the first kids ever. Funny right? But isn't that how we treat them? Like kids have never been invented. Like they've never survived without our constant watch for 18 years. And one of the points that the instructor brought up was that we trust our dogs to learn our commands and use them more than we trust our kids. Think about that one. Mind. Blown. It also pointed out that I needed to get over myself because I was not the first parent ever. I wasn't the one who discovered parenting and I will never be the best at it! That's not an insult people. It's a truth.

Parenting also is not a dictatorship. It's a partnership with your children. Specifically in the teen years. If we hover over them and don't allow them to learn decision making they become failures in the real world. It's best to allow them to make decisions and take responsibility for bad ones while they are still under our "direction" than when they are adults and there is no one (other than their parole officer) to guide them. The class touched on lessons like not running lunch or homework to your child's class when they forget it. In the real world if you forget, you deal with it until the next day, you learn from it and you don't do it again. It taught bigger lessons like letting your child sit in a jail cell when they are teens and they get caught doing things like shop lifting or drinking. The lessons have to hurt. Sure it's hard for us too. But better a hard lesson now than a permanent scar on their record later.

These classes changed who I was as a parent. Which is good but also challenging. It's good because my relationship with my teen is a good one. He knows we will be there to talk his bad decisions out not hover over him yelling without giving him the chance to speak. Think about it. In the real world if you make a big mistake at work, do they bring you into a room, surround you by your bosses, scream at you, take away your computer, and tell you you're a bad person? Hopefully not! It's more likely that they'll bring you in a room, discuss the transgression, and either hold you accountable (via termination, write up, etc.,) or create a game plan to avoid the error in the future. So which style of parenting prepares your teen for real world scenarios? We have chosen discussion, action plans, & apologies. Teaching our teen to talk things out and express their reasoning prepares them for the real world when they may have to do the same with a professor, employer, or cop. This has reduced the amount of fights in our house but raised some eyebrows with people near us. We get it. People still like to scream at their kids. They like to feel like they are in charge. Great. If that works for you, do it. But this is our family and this is how we've chosen to do it.

For our younger children, many of the lessons are the same but the delivery and the scale is different. Some of the examples in the class for younger kids include picking your battles. Like if it's freezing out and your child is insistent on not wearing a coat (classic power struggle right?!) then simply say "Okay" and take it along in case they change their minds. What are the chances that they will die of hypothermia that day? Slim to none. But what are the chances that they will learn that a jacket is an excellent choice on a cold day and decide to wear one moving forward? Sharing the decision making on small things reduces the amount of stress in your life and allows your child to learn how to care for themselves and make the right choices. This is what our job is right?

Our house a co-op. We all make choices and share decisions. This has greatly reduced our need to fight. We like it this way and we feel it's beneficial to our children. We have the understanding that our kids are going to make bad decisions some times. Our kids are going to say naughty things sometimes. Our kids are going to get curious about boobs in their teen years. Our kids may get caught cheating in class. Our kids may be brought home by the police at some point in their adolescent life. Our kids may bite another kid. Our kids may break things. Our kids may not always like us. They aren't the first kids ever. Kids have done this (and worse) for millions of years. Does it still hurt us as parents when they make the wrong choice? You bet! There's no escaping that! But we have to understand that it's a part of their process. We did the same things or different things when we were kids. And so it continues.

This is what we signed up for parents. There isn't a single parent in the world who hasn't had to face bad behavior. This is literally the job folks. And we need to be respectful about the job and humbled by the work. Don't judge your fellow parents because they choose to lead their families differently. Don't side eye that lady at Walmart (raises hand) giving her kids what for in the parking lot. As long as we are guiding our children into the right decisions and holding them accountable for their actions that's what counts. And if you haven't been there yet, hold your tongue. Karma's a bitch. Don't judge the struggles of teen parents if you haven't had a teen yet. And don't tell a toddler mom she's doing it wrong when your baby is still in diapers. You are not exempt. It WILL happen to you! Have respect for the work other parents are doing for their families.

Am we perfect parents? HA! Not close! I'm the lady losing her cool some days in the Walmart parking lot. I'm the lady letting my kids stay up past bed time simply because I missed them a little extra at work that day. I'm the lady who has been known to drop an F bomb or two in front of the kids in traffic. But I'm also the lady God chose to turn these boys into men. Good men who make good choices. my husband is the man that God chose to guide them and lead by his character. God did this. God knew what he was doing. So even when it's hard, even when it's ugly, even when you're overwhelmed by this job, just remember: Relax. It's just parenting.

Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It's back to work I go!

2011-08-08T13:49:00.000-07:00

Last month the answer to our year and a half long financial prayers was received when I was invited to rejoin my prior employer whom I had parted ways with due to a disposition 3 years ago. I got the job offer on a Friday and by Sunday I was on a plane to San Francisco for orientation! Way to kick it back into gear right?!

It's been a mixed bag of emotions with me retuning to work. A part of me loved having the opportunity to be a stay at home mom for so long and after 23 weeks of bed rest I surely appreciated 10 whole months of time with my baby before returning to work! But part of me has always been a working mom. This has been a balance that I've been familiar with since I was a baby as my own mother worked hard while raising us three girls on her own our whole lives. This was my example and I follow it proudly. I also have worked regularly since becoming a mother so I don't really know anything else.

I'm glad I got the opportunity to be at home for a while as it taught me many things (that I suppose I already knew) about myself. Like the following:

1) I need daily structure. Without it my ADD reigns supreme and I don't get nearly as much done!
2) I NEED to miss my kids. Guess what. You don't get to miss your kids when they're always hanging off you!
3) I need to be recognized for the work I do. Not once while I was at home did anyone say "Mom, those socks you folded yesterday were an amazing piece of work!" or "Sweetie, your toilet cleaning skills above expectation!"
4) I need days off. That's the funny thing about being a stay at home mom. No days off. Same thing every day.
5) I want to teach people and have them listen. Employees are faaaaaaar more likely to listen to advice than children. Hands down.

There were so many things I was so grateful for while I was home too though!

1) It was reaffirmed that my husband and I are true soul mates and partners. I mean, I was 100% reliant on him the whole time I was on bed rest. Day in and day out. And you know what? He was amazing and we did fine being together every stinkin day! We lived each one of our vows, "In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or for worse" and came out on top. I love you honey!
2) My kids are amazing little people! I knew it before but it was amazing to see them in their daily habits and routines. When you work your days with them on the weekends are either running errands or doing something out of the ordinary like the zoo.
3) My sister and her 4 kids moved 2 blocks away (from California) just before I gave birth. So I got to spend a ton of time with her and the kids during their first year in Washington! A real treat since I've lived here for 13 years and haven't been able to get to know any of them.

So while my time home was blessed I am so glad to have been able to return to work. And for a company I truly love! I think this may have been part of the plan this whole time. There were lessons I learned and like I always say, sometimes God whispers and sometimes he yells. I don't think I was listening too well so he had to yell. But great lessons came from all of the grief of the past year and a half so I wouldn't change any of it- with the exception of my father-in-law's suicide. That I would change in a heart beat.

I am doing work differently this time and I made that clear in my interview. I stated that for this season in life, I want a lighter load so I can go home on time each day, not work weekends, not be on my laptop each night after the kids go to sleep. I want more of a balance to my work and personal life than I allowed before. And so far I think I'm doing it. I take lunch breaks and leave on time so my time with my family is not compromised. I hope I keep this pace because it's pure bliss!

Yes, it's back to work I go. But in the end, my home is still my #1 priority!

Sometimes a girl just need a good F$*#!

2011-07-31T10:31:00.000-07:00

Somtimes life gets overwhelming. Sometimes you can feel the anxiety building. Sometimes you're just down right pissy and you need a release. Yes, sometimes you just need a good F$*#!

Let me clarify that I'm not talking about what you dirty birdies probably think I'm talking about (although that's kinda great too!). I'm talking about screaming out the F word! You know it feels good ladies. There's something so amazing and cathartic about peppering your sentances with an F-Bomb or two!

"Where are my F-ing keys?!"

"Why is this F-inbg house never clean?!"

"Green means GO F-er!"

"Clean your F-ing room!" (as said to your husband because none of us would ever utilize this foul language with our sweet children)

"Are you F-ing kidding me?!" (My personal fav!)

Yes, that ever versitile word packs a punch that only it can do. It turns a request into a demand. It shows you mean F-ing business. And it provides a form of release that only the F-bomb can do.

There is a time and a place for the F word. You don't just bust it out anywhere ladies. You can't just drop it at work, the grocery store, or church.

"Where are my F-ing reports?!"

"Are you guys out of F-ing Cool Whip?"

"A-F-ing-Men"

No. You need to choose carefully when and where you use this most beloved of words. It is a gift, a treasure, a delight.

For me personally it's like taking the cap off an emotional bottle. I keep my cool as long as possible but once I reach F-bomb status we know I've hit a wall. And at that point the addition of the F bomb to every other sentance is sheer luxury upon my lips! It eases the intensity of the moment. It's like tiny moments that ease my tention and provide clarity.

I am most likely to use the F-bomb during a bad day or when I'm in pain. For either instance the people around me know that once the first F-bomb is dropped it's all business!

So while I don't use it as part of my every day vernacular, I love it so. It may not be an every day thing but sometimes a girl truly does just need a good F$*#!

These Can't Be Oldies!

2011-07-17T12:30:00.000-07:00

I grew up in an age of really great music. And I know you wouldn't know it by looking at me but I was hella gangsta in my teen years. Okay...maybe not. And before anyone calls bullshit I'll raise my hand and admit that Madonna was my Lady Gaga growing up. But the rap and R&B music in the 90's was amazeballs!

Music in the 90's was about enjoying life, partying, and having fun! It was before Gangster Rap was really prevelant but there were rappers that were hard core and carried strong political messages.

R&B divas were having their day like no other! Ladies like En Vogue, Toni Braxton, Mary J. Blige, SWV, & Xscape were singing sweet melodies in my teen ears and I loved it! And the men were tearing it up too with the likes of Jodeci, Boys II Men, Color Me Badd, Shai, and more. Music from A Tribe Called Quest, Digital Underground, Salt-N-Peppa, Blackstreet, De La Soul, and even MC Hammer provided a sound track to my youth that is still fun to listen to today.

Summers were filled with the sounds of Warren G & Nate Dogg, House of Pain, Snoop, Bone Thugz, Will Smith, and so many more! It was a fun time for music!

So when I hear MY music playing on an "Oldies Hour" on the radio I'm all like "HUH?!" When did that happen? Those aren't oldies?! Oldies are Marvin Gaye, Aretha, Stevie Wonder, Earth Wind & Fire. NOT Arrested Development and Biggie! Someone MUST have their information wrong. I mean who's running the show at these radio stations? 12 year olds?

So is that it? Is it official? Are we old because the music WE grew up on (which is still amazing!) is considered the oldies? I can't submit to this idea. So I'm taking my Tevin Campbell CD and I'm leaving!

How Much Is That Fatty In The Window?

2011-07-06T10:05:00.000-07:00

I think I have reverse body dismorphia. To be exact, I think I look better than I really do. We can also refer to this as "The Jersey Shore Syndrome".

When people suffer from actual body dismorphia they hyper focus on one or more specific things about their body that drive them to think they aren't good enough or pretty enough. Then they work endlessly to fix this issue even if it only exists in their heads.

Me? Well, lately when I look in my skinny mirror (Women know this well. There are fat mirrors & skinny mirrors) I feel good about my post baby body! I've dropped a few pounds, my clothes are a little less snug and I feel like a damned super model! I'm still curvy. Always have been and always will be. I always say I'm not an hour glass figure, I'm more of an hour and a half to two hours. My man loves me curvy so when I look in my skinny mirror I see one sexy beeotch!

Then reality sets in when I see a picture of myself. UGH! Who the hell is that hippo of a woman?! I pick apart the picture. Flabby arms, jello thighs, jiggly belly, and is that a double chin? Oh hell no! That all must be photo shopped! That simply can't be the same beautiful woman in my skinny mirror!

So I have amped up my super model skills. Mommies, you may already know them well but if not here are a few new moves for taking pictures.

1) Strategically place small family members (a.k.a. the kids) in front of you as though you want them to be the star of this family photo. But in reality you are hiding your rolly polly pudge.

2) To reduce the double chin appearance suction the back of your tongue to the roof of your mouth. This will lift your second chin just long enough to take that shot!

3) Stand up. ALWAYS stand up! Taking photos of yourself in the sitting position will send you into a manic depression where you consume all chocolate within your reach.

4) When taking pictures with your husband, have him wrap his arms around you from BEHIND. Pictures where he is embracing you face to face show just how much work it takes for him to get his arms around you.

5) Make it a priority to have your arms hidden behind you whenever possible. A hand on the hip with elbow pointing backwards is a classic pose.

Despite the reality of my post baby body I am still proud of it. It gave me my sweet baby boy. And I am fortunate enough to have a man who loves some meat on his lady! I'll close with this saying my husband lives by:

"Women weren't meant to slip through a man's fingers....but they weren't made to break his arms either!"

Thanks baby! I love you! Now go make me a sammich!

Demons

2011-07-02T17:31:00.000-07:00

I have three amazing boys. I love them unconditionally regardless of what they do.

My boys are 15, 4, and almost 10 months. There is a reason the first two are 11 years apart.

My oldest is a good boy with an amazing heart. He also has Absant Seizures and ADHD. Absant Seizures are seizures of the brain. Meaning that my son didn't have physical signs of the seizures since it was just his brain that was seizing for many, many years. So for years, we had no idea that there were physical causes for my son's behavior. He was impulsive, angry, energetic, and had trouble in social settings or while under the care of anyone outside of our house hold. He required structure and if anything in his little world changed we braced ourselves for the fall out.

Over the years numerous day cares and schools worked closely with us to try and figure out what was driving these issues. I am thankful to each of these places for not giving up on him. My husband and I worked day and night to try to teach him the steps to making better decisions, control his impulsivity, and be a better self manager. And he made great progress. But when he had an episode it was horrible. I remember sitting on the edge of my bed crying my eyes out and telling my husband "We can't have any more children because we fucked this one up so bad!". That may sound irrational to many but when it's YOUR kid and you just can't figure it out, YOU take the blame. YOU shoulder the guilt and burden of each thing he does.

I need to clarify that he wasn't a monster child. I would say to people that 90% of the time he was the most amazing, funny, happy, loving kid you would meet. It was just the 10% that people never forgot. I think that's what caught people off guard when he'd act up. They just couldn't understand where it was coming from. This wasn't the sweet boy they knew.

Well many tears, lots of doctor's appointments, a couple of therapy sessions, and a whole lot of tests later we got closer to taming the beast when he was diagnosed with the seizures. At the time of diagnosis he was enduring upwards of 20 seizures a day and who knows how many at night. That must have been exhausting for him. He got to the point, at about age 8, where when he had a seizure his eyes would slant shut and he'd just check out for a minute. He'd been doing this for years, in a subtler form, and we just thought he was shooting us dirty looks. We called them the snake eyes. Once we got his seizures diagnosed and he was on steady medication for that, the behavior greatly improved and we exhaled thinking this was what was causing him to act up all those years! But while the behavior got better, he still had a few severe episodes and was ultimately diagnosed with ADHD as well.

The two conditions had been fighting each other for years. For years I cried thinking I had done something wrong. For years I carried the burden of believing I was a horrible mother. For years I felt the eyes of the people around me as they judged my child. For years my poor son probably couldn't understand why he couldn't just act right. So now that we had answers we could fix it.

For several years now my son has been on the right medications to control both issues and is finally the kid he is meant to be. I am happy for him. But I still carry the demons. I still feel the effects of the years of judgement and the feelings of inadequacy as a parent. I still hold my breath and wait for that phone call that he's hurt someone or himself. I wonder if our other two boys will suffer the same fate. Most of the time I can talk myself down and know that we are great parents who trudged through the muck of parenthood and came out the other side. That he is a good kid going through normal kid stuff now. But then there are the other times. When he has a bad day and gets angry or moody. I question him, me, the meds, his hormones. I go into that old problem solving mode where there's a reason for this and I need to fix it before it's too late and he ruins his life. I have a hard time differentiating between an ADHD episode and a regular old teen mood swing.

This is my scar. I am a different kind of mother because of what we have gone through. I don't have the luxury of saying "He's just a boy." or "You know teenagers." No. I have to wonder if everyone around me is looking at me like I have failed him. I have to hope and pray that he will be a good person and a successful adult despite the things he had gone through. I carry the blame despite the cause. This is what mothers do. And until you have been in these shoes, you don't really know just how much it hurts.

I don't know if I will carry these demons forever or just until he turns 18. I don't know if these demons will continue to make me question myself until all of my children are grown. But I know that they are here each day.

Martinis At Naptime

2011-06-25T13:53:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time in a reality far, far away mommies would anxiously await nap time each day. As they laid their sweet little darlings down for their daily bout of rest, mommy would smile. But it wasn't because their babies looked like angels in their beds. No. It was because now, after hours of putting her husband, children, laundry, PTA duties, and house cleaning ahead of her needs.... it was finally martini time! Yes, after laying her sweet angel's head on their pillow and tip toeing quietly out of the room, mom would make haste over to the wet bar in the family room and mix up a shaker full of sweet, sweet gin or vodka relaxation. Quite often this would be mom's only moment in the day where she had time for herself. Her roll in the house was to attend, quietly & subserviently, to the needs of her husband and children without so much as the blink of an eye. From sunrise to sunset she was busy flittering about her home creating the perfect vision of domestic bliss for her family. Not once thinking of herself. So, rightfully so, nap time was hers. And so she'd hunker down, light a cigarette, and enjoy her mid day cocktail in silence.

Skip to 2011. IF mom is lucky enough to stay home with her kids the domestic bliss of yesteryear are long gone. The house is chaos from sunrise to sunset. The kids are running & screaming, the dog has eaten and thrown up something on the carpet, The Wiggles are grating on your last nerve, you are way behind on your blog because you can't- for the life of you- get the kids to nap at the same time, the martinis have all been replaced by copious amounts of coffee and the odd Red Bull, you are lucky if you got a shower today, and your husband better drive through KFC on the way home because you forgot to pull the chicken out of the freezer yesterday and YOU ARE READY TO SCREAM!

So which vision of motherhood is ideal? Which mom had it best?

While on the outside the 50's housewife seemed to have it all under control, on the inside she was screaming. She was never really her own person. She was thriving to fit the images in her women's magazines of perfectly coiffed ladies pulling roasts out of the oven as the children played quietly and her husband read a newspaper and smoked his pipe. That bitch NEEDED her nap time martini! More often than not it was the only moment in her day that belonged to her.

So while it may seem she had things perfected to a T, let's examine today's mom and the advantages we have.

Rise and shine!
The 50's house wife no doubt had to wake up an hour before her family to shower, do her hair and press her dress so that she looked lovely for her husband when she went to wake him. She gets the older children dressed and ready for the bus while making a 4 star breakfast of pancakes, bacon, eggs, and fresh squeezed orange juice. After serving breakfast, she hands her husband his briefcase and kisses him gently on the cheek and sends him off to work. Now it's time to shuffle the children onto the bus, baby on her hip, looking bright eyed and bushy tailed. She waves to the bus as it pulls away and heads back into the house to begin her day!

The modern housewife slams her hand down on the alarm and tells it to fuck off. Then she punches her husband in the should to signal him that it's time to wake the hell up. She pulls herself out of bed and throws on the cleanest pair of sweats she can find on the ground. She heads to the kitchen because she doesn't even want to see the kids until her coffee is made. Once coffee is made she wakes the little monsters. She pulls a somewhat matching outfit out of the closet and tosses it on their beds and tells them breakfast is in five. Back to the kitchen she goes to make breakfast. But what will it be? Pop Tarts? Frozen Waffles? Lucky Charms? Pop Tarts win because mama's tired after being up late chatting on Twitter. The kids come screaming into the kitchen and sit at the table to scarf down their Pop Tarts and Sunny D. Mom is leaned up against the counter drinking her breakfast (coffee) and hoping the baby doesn't wake up until after the kids are on the bus. Dad darts through the kitchen tossing Pop Tarts in his brief case and filling his travel mug with coffee before running out the door. Mom glances out the window and sees the bus making its way down the street. "Dammit! Kids let's go!" Mom throws a couple bucks in each of the kids back packs for lunch and tells them to hurry up or they'll miss the bus. She slams the door after them and watches out the window hoping they make it so she won't have to drive them to school. YES! They're on the bus! Morning success! Now for round two.

The Days Of Our Lives.

The 50's housewife spends her day cleaning, folding, shopping, and cooking in a graceful manner without breaking a sweat. Her children are angels who play quietly while mom handles her duties. Aren't they the sweetest? And just like clock work, they go down for a nap at the same tie each day leaving mommy an hour to sip her ice cold martini and recharge her batteries.

The modern housewife's day is just a bit different. She still hasn't showered by the time the kids have left for school and now the baby is awake. So she pulls the exersaucer into the bathroom and hops in the shower to hose herself down super quick. Of course the baby gets bored in 2.5 minutes which reduces mom's shower time in half. Once her "shower" is done she leaves baby in the exersaucer, rocking the base with her foot while juggling the brush and blow dryer. She slaps on some make up and some (semi)clean clothes. Now it's time to feed baby so you plop him in the high chair and pour some Cheerios and Puffs on the tray so you can gather the dirty clothes from EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE. Because heaven forbid anyone place their clothes in the hamper. Once mom has a load in the laundry it's time to pick up around this pig sty but baby has different ideas. He's blown out his diaper and painted the tray of his high chair with the contents. Awesome. Before mom cleans it up, she takes a picture and Tweets it because her Twitter moms "get it". It's bath time for baby which causes her to run late to drop off snacks for her daughter's kindergarten class. After dropping off snacks she runs errands. It's time to pick up her husband's dry cleaning, drop off over due library books, hit the gym- hahahahahaha just kidding!- pick up more formula, order balloons for the birthday party this weekend, get an oil change for the mini-van, Gymboree classes with the baby are next, swing a box of baby clothes you don't need any more off at a friend's house, and grab some fabric from the craft store. The baby slept in the car so there's clearly no martini at nap time. Now it's back to the house because the school bus will be dropping the kids off any minute. You pull in just as the bus is arriving. Sweet. Once inside the house you realize you forgot to pull that damned chicken out of the freezer for dinner so you text the hubby to pick up some KFC then tell the kids to get to the table to do homework. The fighting between the kids started almost instantly. "He took my pencil!" followed by "She's looking at me!" completed by "I hate you!". Ugh. Just shut up and do your homework! You still haven't offered up your version of cleaning the house yet and you really don't have time for this. Stop to Tweet how the kids are driving you bonkers. Then grab some crap off the floor and toss it in their rooms. When will this day end?!

Honey! I'm Home!

The 50's Housewife has had a productive day and the house is pristine when her husband arrives home from work. The kids are quietly reading which allows mom to take daddy's briefcase, offer him his slippers and pipe, and give him a moment to relax after a hard day at work while she plates dinner. Dinner is a magnificent feast of succulent pot roast, roasted veggies, and a crisp salad with home made dressing and glasses of ice cold milk. Everyone washes their hands and arrives at the table. Prayers are said and the meal is consumed while the family listens to daddy talk about all of his accomplishments at work that day. He's our hero isn't he!

By the time her husband arrives home from work, the modern housewife kisses her husband and hands him the baby as soon as he plops the KFC on the counter and tells him she needs a break because these kids are driving her up a wall. "What about dinner?" dad asks, baby dangling off his hip. With one glare from mom he understands that dinner will wait. Mom heads to her room and flops onto the bed and pulls out her iPhone. It's time to catch up on her Tweets. But 5 minutes in, the kids are fighting again. She heads out to find out why dad isn't handling it wherein she finds she's lost him to ESPN. REALLY? After a frank "discussion" about this mess it's time to slap some KFC on some paper plates and feed the family. This modern family sits around the table chatting about their dad. The kids boast about what they did at school. Mom vents about what a busy day she had and Dad talks about the deal he closed and how glad he is to be home with his family.

Nighty Night!

Night time has rolled around for our 50's housewife. She dresses the children in their night gowns, brushes their teeth, and tucks them into bed. Prayers are said, kisses are placed lovingly upon their heads and the lights are turned down. Mommy now heads in to her dressing room to change into something sheer for hubby. They enjoy some "alone" time. Husband is happy and drifts off to sleep. Mommy rolls over and cries herself to sleep. Another day has gone by. Exactly like the day before.

After dinner dishes are ~~thrown away~~ cleared mom and dad split bed time duties. Mom takes the baby, changing him into jammies and offering him a bed time bottle while rocking him off to sleep. Dad gets the big kids in their pajamas, brushes their teeth, and reads them stories. Dad knows better than to leave the kids alone in the room before they're asleep so so thwart any fights he lays down with them and before you know it he's asleep with them. Mom places baby into his crib and wakes dad to sneak him out of the kids' room. It's been a week since mommy and daddy had relations and dad has that spark in his eye! But mom's had a busy day and just want sto catch up on her blog. So they compromise. They decide that he'll play Xbox for an hour so she can blog and they'll meet back in the bedroom in one hour. When the hour is up, dad has finished level 5 of his game, mom has finished a blog and caught up on Tweets, and it's time to rock and roll! It's more about quality then quantity now adays so the tow make it count and then fall asleep in each other's arms. Who knows what tomorrow will bring!

So while it may appear that the 50's housewife had it all and that the modern housewife's days are far more chaotic, I'll take my modern day family any day! My husband is my partner and my best friend. I have a voice through my blogs and Tweets that my 50's counterpart didn't get the privilege to have. My days change every day and I never know what's going to to happen next. My kids are crazy and out of control but that is there personality and we embrace it. I may not get my martini at nap time, but I get my happy hour with my girls on Friday night. I may not be perfectly coiffed each day but my husband thinks I'm a hottie in my sweats. And each night I roll over and go to sleep happy about this life I have helped to build. Crazy and all.

Queen For A Day

2011-06-20T16:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Father's Day. My husband had to work so the kids and I spent the day cleaning, shopping, filling out cards, and wrapping the hand made gifts we had made for our hero- DAD! When my husband got home we presented his favorite meal, he opened cards & gifts, and we played baord games. It was a great Father's Day for my hubby!

But I couldn't help but think of that episode of The Middle where it shows the REAL difference between Mother's Day & Fathher's Day. On Mother's Day mom doesn't get to sleep in (the kids need her), breafast in bed is a sloppy mess (as is the kitchen but don't worry- mom will clean it), the kids still fight, the dog still barks, dad still watches the game. But there's cards and gifts and that makes it Mother's Day.

Father's Day on the other hand is usually a day of relaxation and adoration for the man who heads our house hold. Why does he get this peace & relaxation? Because mom is there to plan Father's Day!

Don't get me wrong. My husband is a shining example of husbandry and works diligently to ensure Mother's Day is better than the average day at our house. But there is a difference between the two days that is noticable. For sure.

Therefore today I told my husband I needed a break. And I took one. My husband always encourages me to take time to myself but I end up filling my days with kids, housework, and all the other things that "can't wait". So really It's my fault that I never get the time I desprately want. Isn't that what we do as moms? Come on. You know you're guilty too! We all talk about wanting a day- just one freakin' day- to ourselves. But do we even know what that day looks like? Here's a few things that would make a nice day for this mom if i were Queen For A Day:

1)I'd only say things once. All day. Not a single repeat.
2) I'd go to the bathroom without a single inturruption. With the door closed!
3) I'd be the first person to eat at dinner and my food would still be warm.
4) I'd go grocery shopping without the kids and it would take a mere fraction of the time!
5) No one would whine at me all day. Not a single teen, toddler, baby, husband or pet. ALL day.
6) I'd get a paycheck for the work I do as a stay at home mom. And it would have lots of zeros on it ;0)
7) I'd sleep a full 8 hours in a bed that is only occupied by myself and my husband and I'd wake up whenever my body felt like it.
8) I'd go to the gym without packing up 4 other people, checking them into child care, and then I'd work out as long as I want- not until my time limit was up in the day care. Then I'd sit in the steam room without looking at my watch.
9) The only crying that would take place would be me- crying as I watch a chick flick of my choice.
10) I'd take a nice walk with my family- and no one's leg would fall off, no one would die of exhaustion, and no one would need a drink of water.
11) The only ass I would be responsible for cleaning would be my own.
12) My teen would kiss me in public and declare his love for me (Okay. That one may just be a pipe dream).
13) I'd go on a date with my husband where we'd have energy to see the late showing of the movie and then still "stay up" when we got home.
14) My car would stay clean on the inside all day.
15) All 3 of the kids would take a two hour nap in the middle of the day so I could sit on the back deck and write.

These are the plain and simple ways this mom would be happy. There's nothing fancy like "Dwayne The Rock Johnson would apply my lotion after my shower" although I'm willing to re-work the list if you think we can work that in. The list is just simple little things I dream of each day. But alas, as a mom I have forfeited these items into the world of parenthood.

I love my life more than words can express. But the life of a mom is a different one. A complicated one. A selfless and exhasting one. And I wouldn't have it any other way. But a girl can dream right? So what's on your list if you were Queen For A Day?

Oh Happy Day

2011-05-30T23:02:00.000-07:00

Today was amazing. Today was Memorial Day and much like many of you, we had a BBQ to celebrate the day. But it was so much more for me than just a BBQ. It was one of the best days I've had in over a year. Nothing fancy happened. Nothing big and spectacular. But it was amazing none the less.

I kind of got the idea to have a BBQ late last night. So last minute I invited my sister (& her 4 kids) and my bestie (& her 2 kids) over. I invited my other besties too but they already made plans. But that's okay. There was no shoratge of kids with there being 9 between all of us!

Since everything was planned last minute there was quite a bit to do. Cleaning, shopping (the two little ones and I took a walk to the store to do our shopping), prepping, and even some yard work! Last year our yard turned into a nightmare. On the list of my husband's priorities taking care of me on bed rest was waaaaay up high...and yard work was waaaaaaay down low. We've been working hard so far this spring to reclaim the front yard and it is looking great if I do say so. But the back yard is a different story. So I set to work cleaning off lawn chairs, pulling weeds, sweeping cob webs off the play ground, and cleaning the grill while the hubby & our 15 year old mowed the lawns and worked on the shed. The 4 year old ran around and played while baby kept me company in the exersaucer. Am I losing you? Hang in there. There's a point to all this.

After hours of work my sister and best friend showed up. We busted out the lawn toys (frisbie, horse shoe, lawn hockey, etc.) and the chalk (for drawing all over the play ground) and turned the kids loose while we started making dinner. My husband & oldest son were busy building the tool shed so it was up to us chicks to build fire and cook meat. After dinner we all gathered around the fire pit and made s'mores. As the sun went down we adorned the kids with glow necklaces and watched them dance around.

I flittered about in almost constant motion juggling the grill, the kids, & my guests all with a baby on my hip. You should have seen me! The energy was endless! This exact thing was what I dreamed of for 23 long weeks last year. I craved busy. I longed for hectic. I desired a full schedule. So now when I was a full day I am just so grateful! I have no desire to complain. I understanbd what a gift it all is.

Today I soaked in the smiles of all of the kids as they ran around the yard, hopped all over the play set, and shoved gooey s'mores in their faces. And I was there for it! I remember last year sitting in a chair looking out my bedroom window just so I could watch my kids play outside. Now I get to join them. I got to serve my friends and cook for them instead of them taking care of me. It was all just an amazing and beautiful gift!

See, nothing spectacular. Just a BBQ like anyone else would have. But for me it was amazing. It was normal. It was just like we used to do before our world changed forever last year. And it felt so good.

When You Live With Boys...

2011-05-27T14:33:00.000-07:00

As we all know, I am the undisputed Queen of my castle. I am married to a man and have 3 sons. There is no wondering where my favorite sweater or my make up went, no fighting for bathroom counter space, no talks about tampons vs. pads, no syncing of menstral cycles, and no eye rolling and huffing to accompany a flip of the hair and a "Whatever mom". Yes. Raising boys can be bliss!

Then there are the other things. The things you DO have to live with and learn to accept (or fight forever against)when all of the other people in your house have penises.

1) You will be the ONLY person in the house who knows how to change a roll of toilette paper. Regardless of the reminders.

2) Your sink will be hairy. Always hairy. Little tiny hairs....

3) There will always be a rediculously hungry child standing & staring at the fridge complaining that there's nothing to eat.

4) The base of your toilette will always be yellow. Regarldess of the age of your boys.

5) You will always need a band aide and will never be able to find one.

6) You will forever be subjected to stepping on Leggo pieces, Hot Wheels, and Bionicles.

7) The recycleables will never make their way into the recycle bin. Even though the bin is right next to the counter where the recycleables are left.

8) There will always be a mysterious smell.

9) Underwear will be considered suitable house attire.

10) Burps and farts will...be...funny. Period. At any age. Forever.

11)From an early age and until the day they die, your boys will be fascinated with their penises.

**Just can't add a picture for this one. Sorry folks!**

12) Bed Time = Wrestlemania time.

13) You will need the highest amount of home owners/renters insurance available.

14) You know that thing where regardless of how many times you say it, it's not a good idea until your husband thinks he thought of it? Yeah. Well, it applies to teen boys too.

15) Teaching your boys to do laundry WILL coincide with puberty. Ick.

16) "Are you freaking kidding me?!" will become a part of your regular vocabulary.

17) From birth to age..who are we kidding- forever, your boys' nails will look like they're sporting black tip french manicures.

18) The word "no" is kinda a dare.

19) You will become a diaper quick changer.

20) You will be loved like the Queen you are!

These Are My People

2011-05-25T11:29:00.000-07:00

Each time I walk into one of our Survivors Of Suicide meetings, I am instantly comforted by all the faces I see but at the same time I am sad that these people have to be here too. Survivors Of Suicide is a support group for people who have lost someone they love to suicide. It's a place where people get what you are going through, because the rest of the world can't understand what the aftermath of this act does to the people left behind.

Our group meets twice a month. Sometimes I wish it was more frequent as you can't schedule the ups and downs of emotions that you experience when you lose someone to suicide. We started going to meetings 11 months after my father in law took his life. Our grief process was delayed by my pregnancy bed rest, car accident, and surgery so by the time Thanksgiving hit last year my husband simply couldn't bottle any more emotion. He was full. Every knook and cranny of his body had been filled with things he stuffed deep down inside so that he could take care of me and our kids. But now it was time to take care of him. The difference in him was immediate after our first meeting. He wasn't alone. He could finally feel what he was feeling and know that it was "normal".

The group is a God send in the sense that each person in that room has had that day. That day, that phone call, that fist in the gut, that moment where all of the blood rushes out of your body, the disbelief that this has happened. And each person in that room has also had every day since. They've been mad. They've blamed themselves. They've cried themselves to the point where no tears will come out. They've wished harder than they've ever wished before that they could have stopped it, made a phone call, stopped by the house, or that their loved one will take it back. These are my people. They get it. They understand in a way that other people can't. I didn't understand how suicide left its survivors shattered to pieces and living in a state of question for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately now I understand.

There is so much that I have learned by going to group. The first is not to carry the shame that suicide brings to its survivors. My father in law took his life January 23, 2010. I couldn't say out loud that it was suicide for over a year. I would say "He died tragically and unexpectedly." Which is the truth, but not the whole truth. You see, my father is law was an incredible man. One of the greatest I had ever met and that is evident in the man that my husband became. Finding out that he had committed suicide was a shock to our system. This isn't who he was. He was so much more. So after he died I felt like if I told people that he killed himself that it would be the only thing they thought about when I spoke of him. I liken it to the period at the end of his sentance. I was ashamed of the way he chose to die. But his last day should not erase the 6 decades of the amazing life he lived. And going to our S.O.S. meeting you hear this same story over and over again. These people had amazing hearts, put others before themselves, loved the people around them intensly, and were amazing fathers, mothers, sisters, wives, friends, uncles, etc.

I have learned that the stereo type of suicide doesn't apply to the majority of the people who take their lives. Society seems to think they know what suicidal people "Look" like. Moody, depressed, etc. That they are young, hormonal and misguieded. In reality most people who commit suicide get to do so because no one saw it coming and therefore couldn't do anything to "stop" it.

I have learned that no matter what they looked like on the outside, these people carried a pain that we can't relate to. They carry hurt and a loss of self worth that we can't understand. Take your deepest depression and magnify it. That's what they had been living with. Whether we knew it or not.

I have heard so many stories of loss in our meetings. There are so many ways that the people in our group have lost their loved ones. Some are in the way you would associate with a suicide (gun, rope, pills, jumping) and others are much more graphic and done to ensure that this will be it. That there's no turning back. These graphic deaths leave such amazing scars on the people left behind. I know for us, my father in law was missing for 3 days before police found him laying in the woods with a gun shot to the head. The thing that haunts me the most is that this beautiful, amazing man whom we all loved and cherished laid in the dirt and rain for 3 days. I can't get that out of my head. So I really can't imagine what some of these families endure daily at the idea of how their loved ones died in such a graphic manner.

Our meetings are filled with tears. Some tears are healing and some are angry. Most are empathetic as we listen to our fellow survivors. Empathy is why we come here. Empathy is what we can't get from anyone else. These are our people. They get it. They feel it. They know.

So I'm going to ask you to do something for us. For all the survivors. If you or someone you know is depressed or have considered suicide- please don't take it lightly. Get help. Be the difference. Visit the National Suicide Prevention web site or call them at 1-800-273-TALK
to speak with someone who understands. Every life is valuable.

My Maui Memorial

2011-05-19T12:40:00.000-07:00

This is my husband's family. We were blessed in May to be able to join them on a great trip to Maui to remember my father in law. My father in law's wife gifted us the trip so it was an even bigger blessing. For those of you that haven't read through all my blogs of the last year, my father in law took his own life January 23, 2010.
It was a shock to our family. He was an amazing man & the loss of him is felt every day. I hope he knows that.
I ended up on pregnancy bed rest and missed the funeral and the memorial with the spreading of his ashes. So for me, this trip was my funeral. That was a challenge in itself because my family was in a different place in thier grief process. Because we had so much to deal with last year just keeping me and our growing baby alive, our grief process has been delayed. So I stole many moments on our trip to hide away and think about my father in law.

My mother in law found this amazingly beautiful house called Maui Majestic in Lahaina.

We did so many amazing things on this trip! It was busy every day! You know that saying "I need a vacation to recover from my vacation"? That's how I felt coming home! Here's some of the amazing things we did!

Road to Hana trip. AMAZING! My suggestion is to do the guided tour so you can relax & enjoy. Our guide was incredible & was pulling over & hacking fruits and vegetation out of the jungle! Awesome!

Snorkel Cruise to Honolua Bay. Some of the most beautiful snorkeling I've done on the island! AND we did Snuba! So fun! Plus we got to see whales! So amazing!

We tried to see Haleakala (The volcano on Maui) at sunrise but it was too cloudy. Luckily we scheduled a bike ride down the volcano after sunrise and it was so amazing that it didn't even matter that we didn't see sunrise!

We flew over to the big island to see the lava in the crater of the volcano. It was a beautiful flight!

We did the obligatory luau but we did the Feast at Lele which served food at your table (instead of buffet style) and offered each course from the surroundung islands. BEST kahlua pork I've ever had!

We also did paddle boarding lessons! That is not as easy as it looks by the way but so fun! And a great work out too. I had muscles aching in places I forgot I had muscles! For fun one night we saw the Dave & Annabell magic show in Lahaina and it was hilarious!!!!

All in all it was such an amazing trip. It was so hard to be away from my babies. I cried from the minute I woke up until the minute I got on the plane when we left! I think its going to be a while before we leave them again!

The Busy Mom Update

2011-05-17T13:31:00.000-07:00

Usually when I blog I like for it to be some profound lesson I've learned or some quick witted story to amuse you all. Well things have been so busy lately I haven't had time to sit and breathe. I blame it on the T-Ball. Any ______________ (insert sport here) mom knows that once the season starts you are a slave to it. It's a lot of fun but it's also demanding with 1 practice and 2-3 games a week. And this is T-BALL! So I will have to try to find time to get back to blogging. After all, I should have plenty of time between 4-5am!

I have many blogs swirling in my head (in my brain it looks like they're floating in the water that circles the bowl) and I will try to get them posted in the next week or so. But I wanted to do a quick update on the Grattitude Challenge I "did" way back in February (is it really MAY already?!). I made my list and was so eager to get started. Which I did. It was the finishing that I sucked at! I had those nasty back issues in Feb that had me side lined for 3 weeks, we had cold, blah, blah, blah. But I have not given up! I think i have sent letters to 20 of my 31 people on my list. And the craziest thing has been happening. Although i didn't follow my original schedule for this project, it turns out that the people who have received the letters got them right when they needed them! I swear that each person called me or wrote me after getting their letter and thanked me and said they REALLY needed that right now. I feel like God guided me to who and when the letters needed to go to. So my challenge didn't go according to my plan but I feel like it went according to God's and it's been a blessing to the people who have blessed me. I know I had several people who said they were doing the challenge too. I'd love to hear the stories when you get a chance!

Like I said, I have many blogs I owe you guys. And I will try to make them happen soon! Complete with Maui pics! Smooches to all!

35

2011-05-05T16:52:00.000-07:00

How old does this chick look? Does she look as old as she feels?

Tomorrow I turn 35. Ick. 35.

I have always welcomed birthdays. But this birthday feels different. It feels....old.

I had a friend in my 20's who dreaded her 25th birthday. She said it made her feel old because it meant she was half way through her 20's and almost to the dreaded 30. I laughed. How ridiculous is that?! I breezed through 25. Hell, I celebrated 30! Literally! My husband knew I was super excited about my 30th birthday and planned an elaborate surprise party with 18 of our closest friends at the Space Needle. Our friend is the Executive Chef there so he took extra special care of us. It was amazing! What made it better was that my mom was there and the day before she took me and my cousin to an all day spa day. They kept force feeding me water all day and hence I peed- a lot. They were convinced I was pregnant but after 2 years of trying and several miscarriages I kept telling them I don't GET pregnant. They insisted on a test and that night, the night before my 30th birthday, we found out we were expecting our 2nd son. Great birthday!

But here I am on the eve of 35 and I feel like that friend I had in my 20's. I feel like I'm half way to 40. I feel like I'm OLD. My body is weak and flabby (thank you bed rest & car accident), I have a kid in high school, I have no job, and I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. My sister asked me how I want to celebrate and I told her it's just another day. Celebrate? 35? Ugh.

I guess I feel like the clock is ticking and I'm at a standstill. I'm so grateful for where I am at but I have no idea where I need to be heading. Shouldn't I know that by now? I keep telling God to lead me where I need to go. But that guy has His own sense of timing and it's just not happening fast enough for me. Doesn't He know I'm running out of time? I'm almost 35 for heaven's sake!

I also feel like I'm still a kid in so many ways. I see pictures of celebrities that are "my age" and I feel like THEY are grownups. Me? I'm still a kid trapped in an ever decaying body. For the record, I like holding onto a bit of my inner child. Makes life more fun. But no matter how hard I hold onto it, the reality is that May 6th I will be 35.

So where do I go from here? How do I ring in this new year of my life properly and without distain? I'm sending out a birthday S.O.S.

Lost In Paradise. A Mommy Story.

2011-04-28T16:35:00.000-07:00

So as many of you know from reading my blog, my father in law took his life a little over a year ago. I was unable to attend his funeral or the memorial and spreading of his ashes as I was on bed rest for most of my pregnancy. But we have been blessed as my father in law's wife has taken us all on an amazing trip to Maui to celebrate my father in law's one year angel birthday. What a true blessing and a much needed break for my husband and me. With me still being unemployed this was something we could never do for ourselves. Additionally I needed this as I haven't seen our family since my father in law died. My father in law always talked about and planned in his head all these amazing trips that we were all going to take some day. Unfortunately, we never got some day with him. So we are carrying on with each other and I know he's here with us.

That being said, the trip is important. The trip is needed. And even as I sit next to the pool with palm trees swaying over head and an amazing sweeping view of the ocean before me, I miss my babies and I feel guilty for having this experience without them. They are in great hands. My sister is looking after them so I know they are loved up and well fed. But it's still hard.

The week before we left I was so anxious. I made lists, lined up rides, and planned as best I could so that I could still feel somewhat in control even though my babies weren't with me. Then came the morning of our flight. I woke up, showered, and sat in the living room to put on my makeup. I look over at my father in law's picture and start to cry. Then my babies woke up and I start to cry. Then I had to take them over and drop them off with my sister- and I start to cry. Why is this so hard?! I'M GOING TO MAUI! But my heart was overwhelmed with so many emotions. The last time my husband and I both left any of the kids was when we only had one- and it was our honey moon! Since then, our kids are always with us or one of us is at home with the kids while the other travels.

The thought of leaving my babies was literally ripping my heart out. I cried all the way to the airport. As a matter of fact I cried all the way on to the plane! I didn't stop until I got seated and took my Xanax (I'm not a good flyer). I had to fight the temptation to run up to other peoples' children and hug them! My kids are my everything. They are the reason I wake up in the morning. They are my laughter and my tears. They are what makes my heart beat. And after the year we had last year, I feel even more grateful for them and more connected to them than ever. So it hurt to leave them behind.

Sure I was going to a place that I consider my second home. I LOVE Maui! And I was going to see family that I hadn't seen since before my father in law passed. And my mother in law had so many amazing things planned for us (that'll be a different blog). But it has been bitter sweet. I don't know how to NOT be a mom. Even for a week. It is who I am. It's everything inside me. It's what I was made to be. So how do you take that hat off and hang it up for a week?

As moms we dream every day about just getting a freaking moment to ourselves but when we finally get that moment it hurts and we don't know what to do with it! I remember when my first son was about 6. My mother flew in from California and took him on an amazing train ride back down to California for a week. Then they rode the train back home. It was an amazing adventure for my son and I was excited to get a week to myself. The funny thing was that once he was gone and I was sitting in my house, I had no idea what to do with myself. There was no one to cook for. No reason to clean or cook. I literally didn't have to vacuum for a week! And although it was what I dreamed about every day, it turned out that it wasn't what I really wanted. I felt lost without my son and the structure that our life provided for me. I felt empty without my mom hat. And I couldn't wait until he got home and I could cook and clean for him!

So here I am once more, but this time in paradise. It's me, my husband, his two brothers and their wives, and my mother in law. But I still don't have any one to cook for (MIL had a chef come in to cook and lined up reservations for many amazing meals) and no one to clean up after (The cleaning crew arrived today. Boo.). I'm literally lost in paradise! My husband has to look at me and remind me that the kids are okay and we are blessed to have this time with each other. I should know this without him telling me.

Will this ever change? Will I ever know how to NOT be a mom? Even for a week? Who knows. Luckily the baby is only 7 months old so I have another 18 years until I find out for sure! Until then I will need to take a deep breath and remember that these moments are special. They are important. They are necessary. And that I am still a mom- even in paradise.

Vapid Waitress- An Unemployment Story

2011-04-14T16:30:00.000-07:00

Today we splurged a little and took the kids to lunch. Our 4 year old had been super well behaved during a 2 and a half hour insurance appointment in the morning so we decided he deserved a treat. We went to one of those sushi on a conveyor belt places. It tickles our 4 year old to hunt his food and catch it! Anyhoo, we walked in the door and a young pretty girl greeted us. We'll call her Spacey. Here's the conversation that commenced:

Spacey: How Many? (I'm gonna let that one go as I understand that this is a question she most likely has to ask.)
Me: 2 adults 2 children so 4 altogether (NO. I'm not a smart ass)
Spacey: 3 then? (WTF?!)
Me: Well, 4.
Spacey: **Blink. Blink** Okay. Do you wanna booth?
Me: If you have a booth on the conveyor belt because my son likes to watch the food go by.
Spacey: **Blink. Blink. Blank Stare.**
Me: Ooooooooor we could sit on the regular chairs on the belt line.
Spacey: Okay. (The look on her face was utter confusion)

Spacey then led us over to some chairs on the belt line.

Spacey: Is this gonna be okay?
Me: This is perfect. Thank you. Can I get a high chair for the baby please? (Shut up. I really DO use manners)
Spacey: Do you wanna booster seat?
Me: **Blink. Blink.** (Now I'm doing it) Ummmm, no. I need a high chair for the baaaaaybeeee.
Spacey: Oh.

So here's the deal folks. I really hate bad customer service. I have spent years in customer service fields and have trained classes on customer service. But it doesn't even take all that to know how to treat people when they are your customers. Therefore I get really annoyed when people in customer service fields are complete jack holes or don't understand how important their jobs are to the customers they are serving.

This was also my stance on the situation long before I was unemployed. But with the economy being the mess that it is and so many Americans out looking for a job each day (raises hand) it is even more inexcusable to me that anyone would be less than 100% at their jobs. Specifically when your job is to seat people and get them drinks. They get their own food that this place! So literally the job is smile, count the bodies, move them to a location that fits them, and get them a drink. Dunzo.

Before I lost my job due to bed rest I would constantly remind my employees that when we have bad days at work, we should be grateful for them because it meant we had a job. This recession has been televised. It's been talked about. It's hit people all around us. Not a single person should just be hearing about it. So while I'm sure this girl got the job greatly in part due to her ability to check the "cute" box on the application, I expect more. I expect you to respect not only your customers but the fact that YOU HAVE A JOB. It is a gift. Show up for it and be your best at it. Period.

The One About My Grandpa

2011-04-13T10:35:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about my grandpa a lot lately. My grandpa passed away last year. In the midst of all the craziness that was going on in our lives. It was one more thing to bottle and stuff down deep inside. But now we are dealing with all the things that happened last year and thus my grandpa has been on my mind.

My grandpa wasn't one of those sweet grandpas who swooped you up on his lap and read you books when you came to visit. He was a big old tough as nails tower of a man. He was stern and old fashioned. He was a "you better say yes sir and yes ma'am" type of guy. He expected us to behave properly and give respect. I remember a specific instance when I didn't call my Aunt Jennifer "AUNT" Jennifer. Aunt Jen was 6 years older than me so she didn't seem like an aunt. She was like one of the cousins. So the slip was natural. But my grandpa towered over me and game me what for. From there on it was AUNT Jennifer. I think as he got older his demeanor changed and he softened up. My younger cousins got a different grandpa that we older cousins got. But we moved away when I was 11 so I didn't get much of an opportunity to know that sweet grandpa.

In 2009 my grandpa was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Directly after his first chemo treatment (He was determined to fight since my Aunt Jennifer fought her cancer so hard before succumbing to it in 2008) he ended up in the ICU. My grandma was told to gather family and that he wouldn't make it. We all hopped on overnight flights from all over the country to come say our good byes. It was hard to see my big strong tower of a grandpa in such a frail state where he couldn't even speak. But we all did our best to say goodbye properly. Then my grandma allowed them to take him off the machines and meds. And that's when grandpa proved just how strong he is and how this whole death thing was going to be on HIS terms. He somehow got better. They had to move him out of ICU (as there was no treatment for him) & into a regular room. Where he continued to improve. Talk. Stand up. Crack his smart ass jokes. It was confusing. Then they released him home to hospice. Where he hung on. For almost a year! Have you ever heard the term "Heaven won't have me and hell's afraid I'll take over"? Yes. My grandpa was tough as nails and he was going to do it HIS way.

So like I said, I've been thinking about him. I have two memories of my grandfather that I will always hold dear. The first was when I went to visit Ohio for my cousin's wedding. I ended up getting really bad food poisoning & my grandma was gone for the night. It was just me and grandpa. I was soooooo ill. And I have never seen my grandpa so concerned. He took such amazing care of me that night. He was soft and caring and worried. It is one of my fondest memories of him. The second was when he was on his "death bed". Once he was released to hospice at his house we all sat and waited. His pastor came over one afternoon and we gathered around his bed and held hands and I got to pray with my grandparents and my mother and a few other family members. It was one of the most special moments of my life.

Yeah, my grandpa was a tough as nails kind of guy. But he was an amazingly strong man who did it his way up until the end. The end HE chose. Not the doctors. I miss him. And I'm grateful for these two special memories I have of him. I know he's up in heaven in the softest recliner ever watching boxing and holding hands with my Aunt Jennifer.

Dentists Are the Devil.

2011-04-07T10:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, so the title of this may or may not be 100% true for all dentists. But for me, in my heart of hearts, this is the truth! You see, I have a phobia of the dentist. Not a "I'd rather not go" or a "The dentist really sucks" kinda fear. No. It's more like a screaming, cussing, biting, heart palpitating, God honest fear. I have actually been clinically diagnosed with dentophobia. Yeah. It's real.

As with most good stories, it all began when I was a little girl. My mom happened upon a shit dentist. I had an abscessed molar that had to be pulled. This evil devil of a man gave me, a sweet unassuming angel of a child, ONE- count it ONE- shot of Novocain and yanked that sucker out of my head! I naturally cried. That shit hurt! And this douche nozzle dentist told me to shut up or he'd send me home like that. And let the phobia begin!

Let me please clarify that my mama didn't just let him yank teeth out of our heads like that. She went in and gave him what for. She also did her best to ensure that we had better dental experiences moving forward. I remember having to have a crown put in after that and the dentist could clearly see how upset I was. They asked what smell I liked- strawberry or orange. To which I said neither because it was clearly some evil trick. I soon found out, that it was no trick. It was goo goo gas goodness! I remember getting giggly while Wham's "Wake me up before you go-go" echoed in the back ground. My mom even found us a fun dentist who had a Frogger table video game in his waiting room and would come out and play Frogger with us. So, they weren't all bad. Just the one. But isn't one all it takes?

As I got older, my phobia only increased despite my mother's best efforts. Once I became an adult, I certainly wasn't subjecting myself to the cruelty of these people unless I needed to! It was so bad that my oldest son didn’t go to the dentist for the first time until he was...well, let's just say "older". He did fine. He's a dental trooper! Me? I’m a spastic nervous wreck who can't even take my kid to the dentist without a panic attack. So my husband mans all child dental appointments.

My point here is that my fear is bad. Real bad. I cry on the phone when making appointments. I only go in when something falls out. I carry a small dental arsenal with me everywhere (dental pics, Whisps, etc.) in an attempt to keep my teeth is tip top shape so I can minimize dental visits. And when I go in I cry, cuss (involuntarily), and I bite. Yes. I have bit dentists.

But a few years ago I discovered something beautiful. I happened upon a dentist who gets it. I went in for my first visit. They always require that you come in and show a "valid" fear before prescribing laughing gas and/or valium for a visit. Like crying on the phone isn't enough. Anyway, I'm sitting in the chair shaking and crying. There are dental techs and hygienists gathered around staring like something from their text books just walked in the door. The dentist finally came in, looked at me, tilted his head and turned back around and left the room. When he came back in he held 2 little blue pills. No words. Just understanding that this was going to take more than laughing gas and Frogger. This dentist wasn't all butt hurt because I didn't like him or his field. He just got it. So this is where I've gone ever since.

The people at this dental office all get it. They are kind on the phone. They take excellent care of me. And most importantly- they knock me the F out! I haven't even SEEN my dentist in years. See, my dentist is a sedation dentist. I take 3 sleeping pills (sedative hypnotics) an hour before the visit and another once I get there. Though I never remember taking the 4th. These little blue magic bullets allow me to get there and home with the help of my hubby and I don't have to recall anything about my visit. This is how it should always be done. It's a shame that not all insurances acknowledge this as vital therapy. I have paid thousands out of pocket to go to this dentist because insurance companies won't cover it or only cover a small portion because it's "unnecessary treatment". That's why I had to get clinically diagnosed. It's a shame.

All I know is that I have a real phobia. I am comfortable with it and I have found a solution. I know some people don't get it. Phobias are unique to that person. I personally LOVE snakes! I love holding them, kissing them, I love how they look and feel. But there are people out there who have genuine fears of them. Therefore I wouldn't force them to hold a snake. I wouldn't ever tell them to get over it and let it go. But when it comes to a fear of the dentist people write it off like you should just get over it. I won't. I just don't plan to. I have found a solution. It may cost me lots. But this is what it is. You can't change this in me.

Dentists are the devil. I'm good with that.

My Big Girl Panties

2011-03-26T15:00:00.000-07:00

I come from strong stock. Both the women on my mother's side and my father's side are tough, strong, and mouthy. Being that my mother is from a family of 7- 6 of which are women- when they all get in the same room you better bring a hat and hold the f@$k onto it! Because it's gonna get loud and it's gonna get intense! Yes, the women in my family don't do shy and bashful. And we certainly aren't dainty.

When you are raised to wear your big girl panties every day, you have to be mindful to use your powers for good instead of evil. Some people just don't know how to deal with strong women. And as far as we are into the new millennium the fact is that most people still view strong women as "bitches". I will admit that it can be a fine line to travel for some. But my mama raised me to assert my strength in a graceful manner. It's a balance y'all.

And I will say that it takes a special kind of man to marry one of us. A saintly man. A man who is strong himself but wouldn't dream of stifling our strength. And if the men we meet can't hang? PEACE OUT! Because we can and will down it ourselves. It can be hard for men to understand a strong woman. Most men want to be providers and be the ones to "fix" things in their lady's life. But I'm gonna tell you this; my husband is my partner- not my care taker. I feel that our relationship is better for that. He knows that I am here out of choice- not necessity.

My mother did such an amazing job of raising us after she and my father divorced that I never felt as though I "needed" a man in my life. She stressed that I should WANT a man, not NEED one. My mother raised all 3 of us girls by herself, worked full time, put herself through school, and none of us ended up in jail (despite my efforts!). I'm not putting my father down as he's a great dad. He just lived in another state so my mom was our main parent. And she wore her big girl panties daily! I'm sure there were days, weeks, and the teen years where she wished she could retire those bad boys! But on they stayed. It's how we roll.

I wear my big girl panties daily as well. When I am at home alone with all 3 boys and I am wondering how I'm gonna get laundry done, food made, things cleaned, blogs written, and take a shower I give myself the talk. "There are thousands of women out there doing this every day. Some with more children than you. Some with husbands who have passed, are military overseas, or have just taken off altogether. Suck it up sister and get 'er done!"

Our brains are literally the only things that keep us from our capabilities. This is true not just at home but at work, school, in relationships, etc. We are the ONLY ones that control if we believe in ourselves enough to tackle the task at our feet. I often say that confidence is the difference between being good and being great. This thought has carried me for years in many situations. I've shared this belief of mine with friends and employees- whoever will listen. It's as true as true gets ladies.

I am proud of my big girl panties. I wear them with pride. When it boils down to it, I have to be proud of who I am at the end of the day. I have to reconcile the decisions I have made. I have to be the parent I want my children to become. No one else can do these things for me. So strap on your big girl panties ladies and show them off with pride!

My Baby's World

2011-03-20T15:52:00.000-07:00

Today my baby did the sweetest thing. My amazing 4 year old drew his world for me. My heart could just explode and I'm holding back tears. This is one of the dearest things he's ever done. And he doesn't even understand how profound a thing he did.

The center of the picture is the Earth. There are several lines leading from the earth to smaller circles. These are the places he loves the most. They are our house, my mom & sister's house, my other sister's house, my dad's house, my mother in law's house, my father in law & his wife's house, his school and his church. HIS CHURCH!

Think about this. He is only 4 years old but he already has a better understanding of what the important things are. More so than most adults. I think we lose sight of our lines and circles over the years. We start tying our lines to things. Our house, our cars, our jobs, etc. but in the end the only things that really matters are God and our family. At 4 years old he gets this.

The Bible says we should believe with a child like heart. I find truth in this today. Maybe it's a little something we all need to do. Take the time to draw the lines and the circles back to what our world really should be.

Lost in a Sea of Bloggers

2011-03-16T17:08:00.000-07:00

I love my blog. I am proud of my blog. And I thought I had a little something special here. Some little piece of the world that was mine. I kind of floated along like that for almost a year. I didn't promote my blog. It was just there. Occasionally I would post a link for my family & friends on Facebook so they knew what was going on with my pregnancy. But I didn't spend too much time turning my blog into anything other than an oline journal that a few people could read. I form of catharsis during a really crazy time in my life.

Then I dove in.

I started networking and meeting other bloggers. I added blogs to my reading list (yes it took almost a year!) and even listed my blog on sites like Top Mommy Blogs, Picket Fence Blogs, and Bloggy Moms. It's through sites like these that I found a vast array of bloggers. Amazing writers who had been at this for a long time and really knew what they were doing. These writers chronicle all of the things that they are passionate about. Be that crafting, cooking, motherhood, child loss, illness, etc.

I changed my blog design to be more user friendly and added things like buttons, advertising, and a list of my top blogs. I created an identity for my blog and mirrored it on my Twitter site (where I meet so many amazing bloggers!). Slowly my readership increased. I like knowing that there are people out there- complete strangers- who identify with what I have to say. I like reading other blogs and knowing I'm not alone in my feelings about this that or the other. The blog world has been an amazing place for me and I'm proud of my contribution.

But on the same note, it is a BIG world. And where I once felt unique, I now feel like I sometimes get lost in a sea of other bloggers. There are so many amazing writers out there and I am trying to keep on top of reading all of these amazing stories but most days there are just too many! The funny part is that before I started my blog I had never read a single blog in my life (ironic right?) and now I have too many favorites to keep up with!

The blog world is a special place that mommies need. I wish I had started years ago. But I'm here now. I swim in a sea of endless blog moms who finally have a voice in their own lives. We have the right to bitch when we need to. We have a platform to boast when we want to. And we have a place to reach out to other moms, the likes of whom we may have never met otherwise, and let them know they aren't alone.

So I am still proud of my blog. I am proud of what I write. I guess I just realize that I'm not as special as I thought I was. But it's not a bad thing. It's comforting. These blog moms are my people. Maybe I'm not lost is a sea of bloggers. Maybe I swim with them.

I'm A Skinny Brain Surgeon

2011-03-12T09:38:00.000-08:00

I am a skinny brain surgeon. This must be true because I said it. Don't believe me? Here, let me repeat it until it becomes true.

I'm a skinny brain surgeon.
I'm a skinny brain surgeon.
I'm a skinny brain surgeon.
I'm a skinny brain surgeon.
I'm a skinny brain surgeon.

Still not convinced? Hmmmmm. It seems to work for my 4 year old. See, my 4 year old is entering this glorious stage where he believes that if he repeats something enough, it will make it true. This is especially ~~annoying~~ endearing when we are attempting to assert our athority as parents. It goes a little something like this:

Me: "It's time to go to bed honey"
4: "I'm not going to be. I'm watching Sprout."
Me: "No. I'm sorry but it's bed time."
4: "Nope. I'm watching Sprout."
I now turn TV off.
Me: "This is not a question and I am not offering you an option here."
4: "Okay mom. I understand. But I'm gonna watch Sprout."

What in their little brains makes them think that we're going to just shake our heads and say "I'm sorry sweetie! I didn't realize you were watching Sprout until you repeated it 15 times. We old folks sometimes need to have things repeated for us. Forget that whole bed time thing. It was a silly idea!"

I know this is them learning their independance, blah, blah, blah. I also know that children learn by repitition. And although I have already been through it once before with my oldest, it still gets me. I think it would be awesomesauce if the kidlets had thought bubbles.

Sometimes I just stare at them as they make absolutely no sense but continue to defend their statements and I wonder how it's all working out in their heads. Is it: "Geez lady! I'm saying it over and over! What don't you get?"
Or does it go more like: "This old lady's hearing it SHOT!"
Or maybe something like: "Please be true! Please be true! Please be true!"

One thing's for sure, if I applied this type of thinking in my adult world, things wouldn't go so well.
Officer: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Me: "No sir."
Officer: "You were going 45 in a 25"
Me: "No. I was going 25"
Officer: "No ma'am. You were going 45"
Me: "Nope. It was 25"
Officer: "My radar gun was just calibrated and we have video footage ma'am"
Me: "I'm still gonna go with 25"
Officer: "This isn't a debate. You were really going 45"
Me: "AAAAAAAAND again, I was going 25"
Officer: "Step out of the car ma'am"

How Today Feels

2011-03-02T10:43:00.000-08:00

This is the face that almost wasn't.

One year ago today I had no idea what was coming.

One year ago today I found out that I needed this baby.

One year ago today I could have lost this baby and my family could have lost me.

One year ago today God was working overtime changing things in our lives.

All week my brain has been trying to figure out what today would be like. Would I be moody? Would I be super happy because being here would mean we made it? Would it end up being just another day to me?

So here I am. I started off the day re-reading the blog I wrote about that day and crying. Why am I crying?! I don't cry! But I guess that's one of the many things that has changed in me this last year. My brain is a mixture of emotions today. They're swirling around trying to find some order.

I'm just so thankful for where we are at. Yeah some bad things happened over the course of the past year. But things could have been so different without God's grace and the support of our friends and family. Therefore I find myself being truly grateful for the happenings of this past year. There is a quote that I love that embodies how I feel about it:

"Sometimes amazing gifts come in surprising packages. Sometimes they are wrapped in heart break."

How true that is.

Through this turbulent year I have found a great community of people online who's support has been invaluable. I have rediscovered how amazing the people around me are. I learned to rely on other people and stop being as stubborn. I saw strength in my children that I didn't know was there. And I fell in love with my husband over and over and over again.

So while I'm sorting through a variety of emotions today, overall gratitude is what I feel. Things could have been very different. Things could have been worse. But in the end, things are exactly as they should be. They are just as God planned and for that I am forever changed and forever grateful.

When I Grow Up To Be Big Me

2011-02-28T17:14:00.000-08:00

I have been a mom for the past 15 years. I have been a working mom for the past 15 years. I have always enjoyed the balance of working and being a mom. I was raised by a strong single mom. So to me, this is how it works. This balance is not only attainable, but it's preferable as her example to me was that moms can juggle it all and do it all well.

At first I worked out of necessity. I was 20 years old and needed to support myself and my son. Once I was married, it wasn't a necessity but rather a preference. I loved the feeling of holding my own and coming home and keeping things running there too. And my favorite part of any day was that moment when mom walks through the door and the kids faces light up! Awe- some.

It was never my intention to be a stay at home mom for any length of time or for any reason. Not on my radar at all. So when I was put on bed rest last year and subsequently lost the job I had had for almost a decade, I panicked. My balance was gone. I was losing a big part of what made me...ME! But there wasn't much I could do about it. And to be quite frank, I had to pray on it to really feel at peace with what was happening. I feel that God is taking my life in a different direction because I was too afraid to do it myself.

So here we are almost a full year later. I am still not sure what I want to be when I grow up. I know I don't want to go back to what I was doing. Despite the fact that I was damn good at it. I want to find something that makes me truly happy. I mean, after being with my kids every day, whatever I end up doing will have to compete with them.

So right now I am trying to figure out what I will be when I grow up to be big me. I LOVE writing! But my blogs aren't pulling in the hard hitting cash needed to kiss my unemployment check bye bye. I know I have a lot to offer any employer. I am a hard worker and I LOVE challenges. But I can’t figure out what I want to apply that to. I look back into my childhood and I think about the only things I ever really wanted to be.

1) Mermaid- Off the list for obvious reasons
2) Miss Piggy- Ummm...half way there
3) Writer- I'm writing, but can I find a way to do it AND pay the mortgage?
4) Modeling- Hmmmm...maybe? But we can scratch SUPER model off the list (see #2)
5) Acting- Can this really be a safe option for a 35 year old house wife?
6) Ballet Dancer- This dream was abandoned years ago and is the ONLY regret I have in my life. I've thought about classes for fun but my broken body wouldn't make it.

So as I search Craigslist, & Monster.com, each week I wonder which career will be the one I will love. What will allow me to be happy while being a super stellar wife, mom, & employee? What will I be happy doing for the rest of my life. Life should not be spent in a job you don't love right?

Am I TOO good of a mother?

2011-02-24T11:45:00.000-08:00

I have always been proud of who I was as a mother. Part if this comes from the fact that my husband and I have a plan in place. It's to teach our children to be adults. Our plan is that they would be confident and prepared by the time they move out at 18. Therefore our 14yr old already knows how to cook, clean (this one is questionable), sew, do his own laundry, and has his own bank account. For the most part I have been pleased with his progress. Just last night he was researching the cost of car insurance and planning out how many hours after school he would have to work in order to be able to pay for good coverage. I was patting myself on the back!

Then this morning happened. I made breakfast for the family and after my 14yr old had cleaned his plate he decided he wanted two more hash browns. I told him to go ahead and make himself a few more which he successfully did. Then it happened. He brought his plate over to me and asked for me to put the ketchup and hot sauce on because he didn't want to put too much on. Okay. So I start pouring. But as I did, I began to think.

"Why does he need me to do it?"
"What would he have done if I weren't here?"
"Does he lack the self confidence needed to pour his own condiments?"
"HOW WILL HE SURVIVE ON HIS OWN IF I'M NOT THERE TO POUR THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF HOT SAUCE?!?!?!?"

Does this mean that I am a good mother or am I not good enough? Have I not provided him the right amount of guidance and encouragement to make these minor decisions? Or do I take such amazing care of him that no hash brown would be as good unless mom flavored it herself?

AND WHY DO WE MOMS EVEN THINK THESE THINGS?

So now I'm at a cross roads. Now that I've recognized a problem, what do I do moving forward? What do I say the next time he wants me to pour his hot sauce?

No one ever said parenting would be easy. But no one ever warned me about the hot sauce either.

The Gratitude Challenge

2011-02-22T16:59:00.000-08:00

Last year was a really hard year for our family and many, many bad things happened to us. Sometimes it seemed like more bad than good. But we just weren't looking close enough. There were amazing things happening all around us. So many amazing things came out of our bad year. And now in hindsight I am grateful for all the things we went through and I wouldn't change any of them. The exception to that being the death of my father in law.

So since things have calmed down my mind has been processing all the amazing things and the gratitude that I feel is overwhelming. I have been trying to think of the right ways to let all the people around me know just how much they have meant to me but nothing seemed big enough.

Today I figured it out.

I think that as people we are guilty of recognizing the crap in our lives and dwelling there. It's cozy. I think that for some reason it's harder to say "Thank you" than it is to say "That sucks". So I figured out a way to flip it all around and change that for myself. I am challenging myself to identify just who I am grateful for and to let them know just how much they have meant to me. And I want to see how many of you will take this change with me.

Here's the idea. I will pick one person (or place such as my church)each day in March and I will send them a hand written note (preferable) or email detailing why I am grateful for them, how they have been a blessing to me, and offering to return the favor to them if they ever need me. I'm going to start my list and letters now so that I am more likely to meet my goal of one a day. I will not let anyone know that I am doing this outside of my readers as I want these people to know this is sincere. I don't want them thinking they are just another name to put on the list as my intentions are true here.

My hope is that by the end of March I will have let 31 people know how special they are. I want to put good out into the world like these people did for me. Then in April I'll let you all know what an impact it had on them and me.

Who is willing to commit to take this challenge with me?

Grandma Has Taken My Body Hostage

2011-02-21T17:00:00.000-08:00

So..... this should be me in about 50 years. However, this is how I feel now. Like a sassy young woman locked in an old lady's body. Although, it looks like she's in better shape than me.

It all started when I was 25. I used to exercise, do kick boxing, and go running. Around this time I woke up one morning in the most pain I had ever known. By back hurt so bad I literally had to call a friend to help me get out of bed! And much to my chagrin (proof of premature aging is the use of the word "chagrin") she also had to help me get dressed- underwear included. It was hell getting to the car and even worse riding in it. The doctor looked me over, asked what I had been doing lately and came to the determination that I had an inflammation of the joint that connects my hip to my spine. Pain killers, muscle relaxers & rest.

Over the next few years this would happen from time to time and the same routine would take place. Then my exercise program was in high gear in preparation for my wedding. By the time I hit my 3rd flare up in 6 months my Dr sent me in for an MRI. Turns out it was herniated disks. Awesome.

So over the course of the next few years I drastically limited my activity and revised my bucket list (No sky diving, no horseback riding, no bungee jumping, etc.). This all helped to tame the flare ups. But I put on 25lbs the first year from the change in activity level. Boo.

I got tired of just sitting. So in 2008 after my aunt dies of breast cancer at the age of 38 & my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer the next day, I decided I needed to get back out there and LIVE! Back problems be damned! The next 2 years I bowled, played laser tag, rock climbed (okay- it was a wall at the mall but it counts!, surfed, zip lined, snorkeled, kayaked and much more! It was amazeballs! It took some concentration to avoid flare ups but I had finally figured out how to ride the line between the young me and the old me!

Then in 2010 I was forced into bed rest for 23 weeks. Then I delivered, which was hard on my body due to the bed rest. Then I got hit by a drunk driver. Then I had surgery to remove my gall bladder a few weeks after the accident. 2010 left me feeling like my body doesn't belong to me. I don't feel strong. I don't feel like I'm where I want to be.

I've been in physical therapy, chiropractic & massage since the accident as they are trying to fix the neck issues I obtained from it and keep my spine in place to avoid a flare up in my lower back. But I woke up Saturday morning and when I went to get out of bed, my legs collapsed on me. Uh oh. I know this. My back is out. WHY? Why do I have to do this again?! I got to the chiropractor as soon as they opened, crying and cussing like a sailor the whole time. My body is twisted & crooked like an old lady. I FEEL like an old lady.

So as soon as this flare up is done it will be my goal to get my body back. I'm not talking about being skinny. 3 kids and a hubby who likey the curves have sealed that deal. I'm talking about being strong. To feel my age if not younger. I'm no old lady so I will get past this.

Who got an award? This girl!

2011-02-17T18:57:00.000-08:00

I want to give a big thank you to The Belly Questions Blog for giving me this award! So sweet and thoughtful. There are rules that go along with receiving the award (because we have to share the love in the blog world!):

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.*

4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!

* I just wanna say that it's awesome to get this award and I was excited to turn around and give it back to other mommy bloggers with awesome sites! I have started following so many amazing blogs this past week that it was hard to JUST award the 15! I love you all mommy bloggers!

Seven things about me

1. I have an amazing hubby & 3 beautiful boys! Boring because you already knew that!

2. I have monkey toes. Really. I can actually pick things up with them- which came in handy when I was pregnant!

3. I'm obsessed with blog stats. I can't stop checking them!

4. I have an allergy to water where if I wash my hands too much I get small blisters on the skin between my fingers. Therefore I am a hand sinitizer freak!

5. I have one or two (wink!) OCD tendancies. But I'm comfortable with them. They are cute on me ;0)

6. I am a control freak and have a steady stream of anxiety about things that could go wrong.

7. I believe humor is usually the best way to communicate.

The bloggers I nominate

1) Dysfunctional SuperMom Because her blogs keep me smiling and laughing!
2) Love Heals Gage because she is one of the the strongest women I know and I am grateful that she has chosen to share her son's life and his journey with us.
3) Better Husbands & Fathers because there is a NEED in this world for husbands and fathers to step up and do it right! Eric is helping that call!
4) Sawyer's Heart because this lady took a heart breaking moment in her life and is using it to bring love and inspiration to others.
5) Chasing A Miracle because we were preggo together and her blogs are sweet, inspirational, and funny!
6) The Cre8tive Mom because I think she sneaks into my room at night and sucks the thoughts out of my brain and blogs them! She is hilarious!
7) Muddled Mother because she is real. She's Muddled. She's a mom. She's funny as heck! YES! HECK!
8) Real Houswives in Blogland is the funniest group of moms on the interwebs!
9) Trying Our Best because it's an interactive blog. She likes to ask questions & interact with readers. She's a funny tweeter too!
10)Fond of the Silliness because I likes the silly! I like blogs that make me giggle!
11) EC Writes because she's on a mission to essentially embarass herself for a year through her blogs! I'm all about it!
12) Surviving Motherhood because she's smart enough to have figured out that when your kids do naughty things (see my blog "Naughty Stories") that you take pictures and tell the story!
13) Domestic But Not Martha because she's got a lot goin on! Crafts, give aways, and her own brand of sunshine!
14) Because I Don't Scrapbook because she has cute kids and her button rocks hard.
15) The Girl In The Zebra Pumps because I can't get enough of her son & she gives good button love.

Thanks again!

I'm Melting

2011-02-16T20:53:00.000-08:00

I had my baby 5 months ago. So I'm hitting a stage in my post pregnancy life that I had blocked out after my last two babies. It's the stage where your body fat starts to go away (YIPPEE!). But you still have all that pregnancy skin left (BOOOOOOO!). This combination creates the appearance you are melting.

Oh you know what I'm talking about. Let's start up top. My chins. My face was round and adorable pregnant. Now, it's all slid off my face and is precariously dangling off my neck below my chin. Awesome.

Heading a bit south we reach the breasts. I'm still breast feeding so it's not as bad as it's gonna get. But I like to describe post breast feeding boobs as "An egg in a sock". You know, when you bend over after the shower to dry your legs and your boobs just dangle there....like an egg in a sock.

Now head around back. Because we have another set of boobs making an appearance below your shoulder blades. That’s right! It's our old friend back fat! Once again, what was taut in pregnancy must now sag.

Back around front ladies we will find every new mom's arch nemesis. You know it. I know it. It's the post baby belly. This lovely piece of real estate can only be compared to a large deflated balloon. I just sit and poke mine. I dig my fingers in trying to find any sign of abdominal muscle. Nope. Not a sign.

Finally we move back around once more to take a look at what used to be your bum. I have a saying that wraps up my post pregnancy bum. "My J-Lo booty has turned into a Jell-O booty". Awe. Some.

This is not my first rodeo so I am aware that things will start to move closer to their original location in time. But it's this phase that I loathe. Where it looks like parts of my body are melting off and into a puddle on the floor around me. Here’s the part where I coo “But it was all worth it and I’d do it again!”. Um. No. I’m almost 35. This will never happen again.

Now where’d I put that Shake Weight?

Have you seen my snark?

2011-02-15T23:53:00.000-08:00

I used to be funny. I mean, really funny. I'm kinda sad for you that you don't really know just how funny I was. I was your go to girl for a good laugh. I could find a joke in anything. But then 2010 came. And that bitch stole my snark. It crushed my soul and ripped out my funny bone. It laughed at me and mocked my loss. I hate 2010.

But now it's a new year. I am beginning to get back to me. I am starting to feel more like me. But I'm still missing much of the humor that made me who I was. I find myself to be more introspective now. I think about things more than I used to. Thinking things over will crush the onset of snark. Being snarky requires a quick wit. There's no time to think. Thinking ruins it. But here I am.

I think (there I go) that being bed ridden for much of 2010 gave me too much time to learn to think. Ugh. No wonder I avoided it for so long! I sat. I thought. I stewed things over. I processed that my life as well as my baby's life could have been lost. That I could have missed my boys' lives. That I may have missed the chance to get old with my husband. That we might not have ever met this beautiful baby that has brought us so much joy. Yes. I thought and thought. And now I can't stop.

To make matters worse, I am coming across all these amazing blogs full of snarky moms! They write hilarious stories about their kids or their husbands that have me in stitches. My kids do funny stuff. My husband is one of the funniest guys I know. So what's wrong here? What's wrong is that now instead of wanting to turn these funny bits of my life into a snarky blog for all of you to read and love, I stare in awe of my family. I listen to my 4yr old add "with a booty" to the end of every sentance and I melt with grattitude that I am alive and present to hear it. My husband will make some dirty inapropriate joke at just the right time and I just stare at him like I'm the luckiest girl in the world. My 14yr old....well, that's enough fodder to keep me up to my eyeballs in snarky anti-teen blogs for years. But I am just so glad he's my good boy. And the baby. OH THE BABY! He'll take a 12 wiper (parents know what I'm talking about) and I will praise him and thank him. THANK HIM! FOR POOP! But once you've almost lost a baby it's hard not to be grateful- even for poop.

Little by little the snark will return. I promise you, my dear readers, that the Queen will return to her snarky throne. I just need some time to sit and admire my subjects for a while.

My Funny Valentines

2011-02-14T16:15:00.000-08:00

I remember when I was growing up and in school, Valentine’s Day was this holiday that girls looked forward to each year. This was your boyfriend's big chance to declare his undying love (or like) for you in front of everyone. Surely he would have roses delivered and balloons on hand so you could walk around being the envy of all of the other girls. This was more of a competition than a show of actual romance.

I don't quite remember if I fell prey to this whole charade. To my memory I think that I only ever had one boyfriend who did the whole balloon & flower things at school. I think I was more into getting my girlfriends flowers and gifts to show my appreciation for their day to day support and friendship. Remember the student body rose sales where you could have a rose delivered to your friend or lover's classroom? Anyhew, that was more my style.

So it may not be surprising to hear that I'm not the kind of wife that expects elaborate shows of affection on Valentine's Day. I don't want jewelry, or flowers, or balloons. I'm more of a big dinner WITH the kids type of girl.

To me, the best thing my husband can do for me on Valentine's Day is to celebrate our love as a family. These three little boys we made are the best gift we could ever give each other. They are hands down the funniest, sweetest, most incredible things to ever walk into our lives. So I can't imagine getting a sitter and leaving the loves of our lives at home while we go out and have a dinner with each other where we would just end up talking about the kids anyway!

No, for us staying at home and doing a cute family oriented dinner and card exchange is gold! My husband is my soul mate and therefore I am looking forward to having the rest of my life to make goo goo eyes at him across the table at some dark and crowded restaurant. But there are just a handful of precious years where our boys will openly accept our invitation to be our Valentines.

And I am especially in love with this family after the year we had last year. These boys were the reason I stayed strong. They kept me company, loved me, cared for me, cooked for me, made me laugh, put up with me (let's be honest!), and gave me a reason to wake up each day. I appreciate them more than ever for it.

So these boys, these funny little boys and my amazing husband are all the Valentine I need. They are the loves of my life. They are my roses. My balloons. And they are the best gifts I could receive any day of the year!

Dear Morning, I Hate You.

2011-02-12T18:26:00.000-08:00

Dear morning, I hate you. I don't mean this in a funny ha ha way. I mean this in a very literal every sense of the word way.

When morning comes and it's time to wake up, I loathe it. I milk every last minute in bed. I hit snooze over and over doing the math in me head the whole time. You know the math. What time will it be if I snooze again? If I hit snooze again I can skip the shower and just wash my hair. If I hit it one more time I can skip breakfast and just make a cup of coffee. If I hit it once more, I won't get dressed and I'll just wear my pajamas to work- they look like clothes right? Don't laugh. This is literally what I do.

The sad part is that I don't even work right now. I sleep until 9:00am because the one thing my kids listen to me about is sleeping in! Yet I still can't seem to pop out of bed in a good mood. I draaaaaaaaaag myself to the kitchen to make the one cup of coffee a day I can have. It's agony. Thank the Lord Sweet Baby Jesus my husband has come to terms with who I am and he gets up early to take our oldest to school in the morning. The man is a saint. Or he values his life.

Here's the funny thing. I actually like the morning part of the day. The clean still air and the birds chirping. It's a very quiet and calm part of the day. I just hate the 5 minutes where you actually HAVE to drag it out of bed and make the day start.

When you mix this loathing of mornings with my penchant for bouts of insomnia it's just a battle I've come to terms with. I'm never going to like mornings. I'm never going to be a "morning person". And I'm never going to not need coffee to make me pleasant to the world. I've come to terms with it. My husband has come to terms with it. And by the grace of God my children have come to terms with it too. Just thought you should know.

Pizza Cupcakes

2011-02-08T23:52:00.000-08:00

A week or two ago my 4yr odl and I were playing restaurant where he was serving me up all kinds of yummy treats. Pickle burger, chocolate chip cookie milkshakes, and pizza cupcakes. When he served me the imaginary pizza cupcakes a lightbulb went on. And the next night that's exactly what we had for dinner! They were amazing so I'm sharing with you!

Ingredients:

Jiffy Mix Pizza Dough (Great because it's about fifty cents!)
Mozzarella cheese
Pizza sauce
Toppings of your choice
Cooking spray

First you will need to make your dough. If using the Jiffy dough, you will add water, mix, cover & set aside to rise.

Next chop up any ingredients you choose. We made supreme with onions, olives, green pepper, mushroom, tomatoe, & pepperoni.

Prep your cupcake pan by spraying it with cooking spray. I use Pam Baking spray. I am not sure what would happen if you got all crazy & busted out some cupcake wrappers. But baking the pizza in the pan makes it quick & easy to eat.

Now make small dough balls and press & stretch them into the cupcake pan. The dough can get pretty sticky so you may need to spray your hands with the cooking spray between making each dough ball.

Once you have filled your cupcake pan, place in a pre-heated oven (at 425 degrees) for 3 minutes. Note that during this time the dough will become puffy. Once you remove it from the oven you will need to use a teaspoon to press the center in and create a pocket for the toppings.

Now comes the fun! This is a great chance for the kids to get in on the action and create their own personal pizza cupcakes!

First sprinkle just a touch of cheese in each of the cupcakes. Next come the toppings. Now cover the toppings with sauce (as it bakes it will sink and cover the toppings. Finally, add a mound of cheese as the icing! We even used mini pepperoni rounds to top our cup cakes like cherries!

Now your cupcakes are ready to go in the oven! They will cook for about 12-15 minutes as they are smaller than a regular pizza. Once they are finished just let them cool on top of the over a bit and then pop them out for a fun hand held dinner!

I. Am. Minivan.

2011-02-03T13:59:00.000-08:00

I'm gangsta. I think that's something you should know about me. I roll out- and I roll hard. I drive an Escalade. But I live in the ~~suburbs~~
ghetto so I need a high tech anti-theft system on my ride so I don't get jacked. That's why I have the MomVan2000 Escalade Protection System. It makes your dope ride look like a minivan. So far so good cuz homies don't trip off my shiznit.

Does anyone need that translated?

Here's the deal yo, I am a mom. I have 3 kids & 3 dogs. I've come to terms with what this means in my life. It means that the skirts are longer, the shirts aren't as low cut, the language is a bit more PG, AAAAAAAAAAAND that a minivan makes sense. Is it my dream car? Yeah, not so much. But it means that when I pull up to my kid's school it doesn't look like the clown car at a circus!

A long, long, time ago in a land not so far away my husband needed a ~~used~~ new car. We only had 1 child at the time so he had his eye on a 2 door Acura sports car.

Me: "Really honey? We do plan on making more baby people some day. You know how hard it's gonna be for your 6'2" self to load and unload baby seats from that thing?"
Him: "Me man! Me smart! Sports car good for family! Minivan baaaaaad! Makes balls shrivel up." (Disclaimer: I may or may not have exaggerated some or all of my husband’s quote)

Skip to present with 2 more babies in car seats.

Husband: "I think I need a bigger car honey. It's hard to get the kids in mine. Can I borrow the van?"
Me: "Excellent idea honey. I'm so lucky to have a smart husband! Swoon!"

It's not just men. I have several mom friends who don't "see themselves" in a minivan. Why? They are practical and useful. And another upside is that the kids will, no doubt, ruin it by dumping juice and crackers all over it, leaving crayons on the seat in the sun to melt all over the place, and somehow leaving shoe prints on the ceiling of it. So by the time they grow up and move out you can get that dream car you always wanted.

So surrender. Just let yourself feel the pull of the momvan. It's good. So good. And say it with me. "I. Am. Minivan."

Bed Rest- An Honest Opionion

2011-01-30T11:15:00.000-08:00

Look at this face. This is the face of my sweet baby who almost wasn't. I strongly feel that the only reason that he is still here with us is because my OB had placed me on bed rest starting at 13 weeks pregnant and ending at 36 weeks (when full lung development is achieved) after I hemorrhaged, had clots, blood pooling in the lining of my uterus and Placenta Previa.

I was recently interviewed for an article on bed rest that the Chicago Tribune was doing ( http://www.chicagotribune.com/health/ct-met-bed-rest-20110129,0,6131409.story). The reporter read my blog ("My Book's Cover") about the financial aftermath of bed rest and got in touch with me through a few of the amazing bed rest support sites that knew of me and my story(Keepemcookin.com & BetterBedRest.org).

I was excited because this could be my chance to help the bed rest community and spread some awareness about the trials of bed rest but also the rewards. Now, I'm not naive and I went into the interview knowing that they may just use one sentence of our interview. (Margaret says "Bed rest sucks". The end) But when I read the article I was really displeased. Despite the things we spoke about and despite the reporter interviewing the amazing people at KeepEmCookin.com & BetterBedRest.org, she chose to steer the article towards information she accumulated that stated that bed rest was an archaic practice and that it really doesn't help mothers stay pregnant.

I beg to differ. Do I believe it should be "systematically" prescribed as it alluded to in her article? No. But when needed, it is the difference between life and death for a child. In my case, several of the conditions I was dealing with could have proved fatal to my baby (and potentially me) had I not been in bed. Placenta Previa is where the placenta attaches on top of the cervix and can cause preterm delivery due to the pressure the baby puts on the placenta & cervix as it grows. The blood pooling in the lining of my uterus could have caused premature rupture of the membranes (water to break) before 24 weeks. This would have been a death sentence for my baby.

Bed rest was vital to my son's survival. Was it hard on me as a mother? Absolutely. It was, in fact, the worst time of my life. But as mothers it's the choice we make for our children and our families. I think the best thing we can do for bed rest mommies is put resources in their hands. There is support out there. My OB did an excellent job taking care of me and my baby through weekly visits and regular ultrasounds. But the one thing he could have done to make bed rest easier would have been to put resources in my hand. To tell me about support groups like KeepEmCookin.com & Sidelines. To get me in touch with BetterBedRest.org which helps women attain grants to help with bills & such while they are out of work. Having these resources right away would have saved me some tears!

Now, I understand that these articles are meant to stir up debate and reporters look for the controversy in each story. But my concern is that articles like this will discourage women from following their doctor's orders and will result in dire consequences for the pregnancy. It may also discourage moms from looking for these resources. The truth is that bed rest works. I and my son are proof as are thousands of women out there each year. And to even insinuate that bed rest is not needed is dangerous. Since prenatal medicine has evolved, and that includes the prescription of bed rest, the infant and mother mortality rates have dropped drastically. We know how to take care of expectant mothers and their children. And as a mother who had to make the choice to be on bed rest (And it is a choice. No one can force bed rest.) even though it meant that I would lose my job, not be able to care for my other children, and my overall health would be under scrutiny for the next 6-7 months- I can say that I wouldn't change it. The reporter asked me if I think that things would have turned out fine if I hadn't stayed on bed rest and I told her I don't even let my mind go there. In my time on bed rest I met many mothers who never met their babies or only got to hold them for a few hours or days. So I won't question it. Because my son is here. He is healthy and he is alive.

Ingredients For a Great Husband

2011-01-29T11:15:00.000-08:00

I was never that little girl who dreamed of her perfect husband, her perfect kids, and her dream wedding. Yet somehow I think I got all of them. Maybe it's not always perfect but I understand that the imperfections give you the chance to appriciate the true quality of the good stuff.

I met my husband in 1998. I wasn't looking for someone (isn't that always the story!) and he just kind of fell in my lap. I know it sounds cliche but I met him at work and went home that day and told my best friend that I had met my future husband. Here we are 12 years and 3 kids later.

My husband is my bestest friend. He is my soul mate in every dreamy and mushy sense of the word. Sometimes I forget that he is a whole separate person because he fits me so well that I forget he's not an actual piece of me! But let me please be clear that we don't have some annoying Hollywood romance where he is great because he brings me flowers, buys me jewelry, and wisks me off to exoctic locations. No, our romance is found in much more mundane but altogether more realistic ways.

So men- listen up! Here are the real ingredients to be a great husband:

1) He lets me sleep in.
2) He laughs at, with, & for me.
3) He truly thinks I'm awesome.
4) He supports everything I do- even the stupid stuff!
5) He thinks I'm perfect the way (and by way I mean size) I am.
6) He says he's wrong.
7) He yin's my yang.
8) He is ah-maz-zing with our children. HOT!
9) He doesn't ever yell at he because he knows I'd go OFF!
10) He calls me beautiful.
11) He is dedicated to our family.
12) He cleans up dog puke & poop.
13) He does the dishes. Super important since I am diametrically opposed to this chore.
14) He changes diapers.
15) He makes it effortless to love him.
16) He treats me like I am the sexiest thing on his radar- even if that waitress is clearly hotter than me.
17) He listens. I mean really listens.
18) He trusts me.
19) He doesn't go to bed, leave the house, or get off the phone without saying "I love you"
20) He takes care of me first in special husbandly ways ;0)

So gentlemen, you can see that it doesn't take a big bank roll or a PHD to be a quality husband. Just be a partner and best friend. Those are the ingredients.

Living In The Wake

2011-01-27T20:18:00.000-08:00

January 23, 2010.

This is the day we lost my father-in-law.

When I say that I mean that in two ways. It is the day he went missing. And it is the day that he took himself from us. His body wasn't found for 3 days. 3 days of misguided hope and worry.

I was at work when I got the phone call that they had found him. I was immediately angry. I hung up the phone and the first words out of my mouth were "What the fuck was he thinking?!". I went into protective mode and was just mad. Mad for my husband. For my children. For his sons. But mostly for his wife. Who he loved dearly and she loved him. He sent her one yellow rose every Monday for as long as they've been together. How could he leave her? How could he hurt my husband and his brothers like this? How do I explain it to my children?

I. WAS. MAD.

But even so, I miss him. I miss him so much and I want him to take it back. I want him to call my husband and talk for hours like he used to. I want him to meet my baby and watch my kids grow up. I want him to be there when my brother-in-law gets married and has kids. I want him to grow old with his wife like he promised her. But something was so heavy inside him that these moments didn't stop him.

Sometimes depression is a visable beast. And sometimes it's a sneaky bastard. In this case, it was the latter. We were shocked. It was like having the wind knocked out of you and not being able to catch your breath again for a very long time. Someone said that depression is like cancer or any other disease. If it goes undiagnosed or untreated, it can be fatal. If we look at it this way, it makes it easier in some ways. But still hard.

I have a hard time with the word "suicide". I feel like it's a snapshot. Like if you say this is how your loved one died, that's who they are. Period. That's the only picture anyone has of your loved one. But my father-in-law was so much more. He was an amazing man. An amazing father, grandfather, husband, pilot, vetran, brother, friend, and so much more. I honestly don't have a single bad thing to say about him other than that I don't like the way he chose to die.

It has been a long year since he died. With my bed rest, we had so many things going on that we didn't get to process what happened until recently. Now the waves of emotion hit suddenly and without warning. We are left with questions, what if's, guilt, and incredible sadness.

In one bad moment and with one action, a wake was created. It ripples through our days and leaves us grasping for land. For any of it to make sense. Suicide is one moment. But it leaves the people you love living in its wake forever.

The Last Straw

2011-01-20T18:46:00.000-08:00

I am a mommy. And this is the story of the day I became infected with cooties.

I have always been a very affectionate mommy with all my boys. We cuddle. We kiss. We say I love you everyday, several times a day, and for no reason. I have always been proud that my boys show no fear when it comes to loving on me in public or in front of their friends.

And up until the other day I was proud that even my 14 year old still submitted to our family PDA. I love that he still curls up on my lap to cuddle with me when we watch TV and that he says "I love you bye" when we get off the phone- even in front of his friends! But then it happened. I apparently, and without notice, contracted parent cooties. The part that caught me off guard was that we weren't in front of anybody. And my apparent cooties were diagnosed suddenly and in a manner in which I would have never seen coming!

I picked my 14yr old up from high school and we decided to stop and get one of those slushy drinks from a gas station to share. He ran in to the store for me so I wouldn't have to get the baby out of the car. I even admired him as he waited and held the door open for a man and his little girl. Swoon. I raised a good kid. I love him. Then he came out of the gas station store and I saw it. Two straws. Hmmmm....let's see where this goes. He took the straws out of their packaging and placed them in the drink- then pointed them in different directions and made sure "mine" was taller than his so he wouldn't catch my COOTIES!

Me "Are you kidding?!"
Him "What?"
Me "You know what. Are you really making sure we don't drink off the same straw?"
Him "I don't want your lip gloss"

LIE! I have cooties! I just know it! My suspicions were confirmed when he accidentally lost track of whose straws were whose. You should have seen the look on his face! I thought he was gonna gag!

Me "It's fine. We've shared straws before and I give you kisses so it's the same thing"
Him "NO it's NOT!"

He then proceeded to hold the straws up to the light to see if he could determine whose was whose based on the lip gloss sparkling off the top.

There it was. The moment I had been waiting for since he was my baby. I have dreaded the moment when the kisses stop and the hugs only require a pat on the back and light chin on your shoulder. Where my "I love you"s are met with an "Uh huh" or an "Okay". I know this is how it goes and this part of my childrens' lives is inevitable. But it still sucks.

Luckily I still have 2 back up boys with another 14 or so years of love and straw sharing ahead!

My Book's Cover

2011-01-17T14:06:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna be honest. There have been times in my life where I held some pretty heavy opinions about things. Over the years God has taught me lessons about seeing both sides before making a judgement. I wrote a blog about it last November call "Never is a Four Letter Word".

One of the lessons I have learned over the last year is not to judge a book by it's cover.

My cover says I am doing well financially, have a beautiful family, iPhone, nice house, mini-van and not a care in the world! The book says that due to 23 weeks of pregnancy bed rest I lost my well paying job as well as my family's insurance. We had to struggle just to get state help. I fought to get pre-natal care through the state and insurance for my children. We were blessed with food stamps and W.I.C. (Women Infants & Chilren is a nutrition program that supplies families in need with nutricious foods). But also humbled by weekly trips to our church's food bank. Our friends and family paid our bills and cared for our children while we struggled to keep our house. I wish I had known about BetterBedRest.org while I was on bed rest. They help families stay afloat when bed rest occurs.

What many people don't understand is that bed rest moms are in a legal grey area. We don't qualify for unemployment becasue we are not physically able to work. We also don't qualify for state disability. And in our case, we didn't qualify for state financial help because my husband made $100 too much.

So what happens when the average America loses thier job- for whatever reason- and needs help?

We have been able to keep our house and I now qualify for unemployment while I look for a new job. But in the mean time our family still relies on food stamps & W.I.C. to help our household budget since my unemployment comes in about $12/hr less than what I was making. So yes. While I use to judge people who rolled up to the welfare office in their Lexus and collected their W.I.C. while dripping in gold, I now get it. I drive a mini-van, carry a Coach diaper bag (a gift from my father in law who passed last year), and schedule my next W.I.C. appointment in my iPhone. I also pay for my groceries with food stamps and W.I.C. vouchers. I know that people may be judging my book by its cover. That they may, just as I once had, figure I'm scamming the system. There are people who scam the system and that's sad. Because in this current recession I feel that I am not the exception but rather I am the rule.

So many Americans still have the "things" they had prior to losing their jobs, they just don't have the money to buy essentials or keep a roof over their heads and therefore they need help. I've sold many of our personal items over the past year to pay bills (Thanks goodness for ebay!). But there are a few things I haven't parted with yet. The Coach diaper bag has sentimental value. The iPhone I keep because I will need it when I get a job (and I WILL get a job!), and I need the nice van to haul my 3 children around safely.

So lesson #3,239,987 in my life is not to judge a book by its cover. You life as you know it isn't garunteed. It's not a given. And the people you pass judgement on may not be in control of their situation either.

Suck it.

2011-01-15T23:36:00.000-08:00

I am a breast feeding mom. I have something to say about it. If you don't like it- suck it.

I became a mother for the first time just shy of my 20th birthday. It would be understandable if I said that I had no idea what I was doing. But I did. I was raised by a mother who fed our nurture gene and I babysat constantly starting at age 13. I was surrounded by babies and children all the time. Caring for them was second nature. So it was never a question for me as to if I was going to breast feed or not.

I have to admit that the idea of a child suckling on what I identified as a sexual body part DID seem foreign and while I was pregnant I couldn't really wrap my head around it. But it was never a question for me. I was going to breast feed. This was what my body was made for. This is how God purposed it. This is how it has been done for as long as we have existed.

My son took to breast feeding really well and I was surprised at how natural it felt. Especially since I had somewhat of an aversion to the idea while I was pregnant. Once I delivered him and he took to it, it was second nature. I loved it. It was the one thing I could do for him that no one else could. And at the age of 20 I was fearless and fed him whenever and where ever he wanted. Even at church.

I now have 3 children and all of them have breast fed. I am currently breast feeding my youngest. Now, I should mention that my breasts struggle to produce and with my first two I had to supplement with formula and my breasts stopped producing altogether by 5 & 6 months. So I appreciate formula as well. I am currently taking lactation supplements to keep my supply up for my newest baby. It's a gift to do this for my children and I am trying to make it last as long as possible.

So in all the beauty that is breast feeding, why is there so much fuss about it? I am constantly amazed at the amount of negativity associated with it. The amount of debate. The amount of strife and argument. And how difficult it has become to be a breast feeding mother in today's society.

I am on Twitter. I have a friend on Twitter (@DJJansta) who is a bit of a breast feeding advocate. She challenges people's ideas on breastfeeding and shares the conversation with her followers. It is through her Tweets that I have seen some real ignorance in regard to breast feeding. I use the word "ignorance" on purpose. Just as it was a foreign idea for me to attach a beautiful small child to my breast, which society had sexualized and I had used as a source of sexual attention for years, I understand how it is hard for people to entertain the idea as well because they aren't educated about it or they haven't done it themselves. I don't, however, condone the horrible and hateful ways that people speak about breast feeding mothers. Calling them derogatory names because they are feeding their children in public as though it is an assault to the decency of America. As if. I have never really cared if people were offended by my breast feeding because my child means more to me than they do. Plain and simple.

As I stated before, I am fearless in public breast feeding. When my child needs to eat, he eats. I have fed them in churches, cars, malls, restaurants, air planes, hair salons, etc. I choose to cover up in public. But I personally don't mind if a mother chooses to let it all hang out. When I am in my home and my child needs to eat- you're gonna see some boob! And so far I haven't had anyone say anything to me about it. I would love it if they did.

People have the idea that moms shouldn't feed in public. So where should they feed their babies? It is rare to find a public facility that has a nursing room. And NO a bathroom is not the same thing. I will not sit on a toilette with my baby in a dirty stall to make YOU more comfortable while you eat your scone. Offended by a mom feeding her baby on a plane (which was a well publicized case several years ago)? Where should she feed her baby then? Or should she allow her baby to scream the whole flight out of hunger? Does that make you more comfortable? I really don't think people even stop to think before they form their opinions sometimes.
Breast feeding is natural, comforting for baby and mother, healthier for baby, and is freeeeeee!

So if you are one of those ignorant people who is disgusted by the sight of a breast feeding mother doing something that is 100% natural I have a challenge for you. It goes a little something like this: I am personally disgusted by walking into a public bathroom and smelling the aftermath of someone defecating in the toilette. It infringes on my right to use the bathroom. Sure it's natural and when it has to be done it simply can't wait. I also understand that public bathrooms have everything you need to perform this natural function. But I challenge you to just hold it until you get home where I feel it's okay for you to partake in this natural function. This will keep me from being uncomfortable. It may be a pain for you but won't you feel better knowing that I (a complete stranger to you and your bowels) wasn't subjected to you and your natural functions?

I hope that this post changes at least one mind about breast feeding. Maybe you never saw it that way. Tell you what, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt if you do the same for me. Perhaps I know what's healthy and best for my baby. Perhaps I am doing this because it's natural and not because I want to visually assault you. Perhaps I am a person doing what people have done for millions of years. And perhaps when you finally have a child some day you will change your mind about breast feeding. This is my hope.

Roll with it?

2011-01-10T22:46:00.000-08:00

My baby is 4 months old. My baby is trying to roll over. My baby is eyeballing solid foods. My baby has found his toes. My baby is inching closer and closer to toddler hood, then little boyness, then teen years, then he'll be moving out!

This is my last baby. So every milestone marks the end of an era in me and my husband's life. So when my sweet little baby starts to roll over I have to seriously fight the urge to shove him back down and tell him that being a big boy is over rated! Which it totally is! I mean, come on. I think it's fair to say most men act like babies so let's just save this baby a ton of time encourage him to stay my sweet little baby forever! No? Damn.

I've never felt like this before. I have always marveled- and forced others to marvel- at how quick my boys have learned. How amazing they are to walk, talk, eat, coo, and all the other things our children do. I, like all other mothers, have been convinced that my son's ability to poop in the potty was a sign of genius. That the fact that he knows the alphabet will surely secure him his spot at Harvard.

So does it make me a bad mom that I want THIS baby to stay on the breast, never roll over, not learn to speak, FORGET growing any teeth! I just want to hold on to every baby moment. I want to snuggle him and love his little baby bum. I have 2 big boys. I can celebrate their growth and accomplishments! I can be a good mom to them!

Alas (Yes. I said Alas.) it can't be stopped. And in all reality I don't really want him to stay a baby. I just want it to go slower. The first year zips by so quickly. Then they're 5, then 15, then they are out on their own. But this is all an inevitable part of the job. I love my babies. All 3 of them. But part of me loving them is making sure they coo, roll over, poop, learn the alphabet.... and grow up. So while I can't stop it, I will cherish it. I will drink in every moment. And occasionally I may or may not push him back down when he tries to roll, crawl, or walk. But I'll be gentle.

My Modern Family

2011-01-09T14:26:00.000-08:00

I was looking at family photos the other day and it occurred to me that my oldest son was black. I know it sounds like an odd thing to say. But it really just doesn't occur to me. He's just my child. My husband has been raising him since he was in diapers so I rarely even think about the fact that my husband is not his biological father. We are just a family. They are just my children.

So much so that when I delivered my second baby I was in shock when they handed him to me. Because he was blonde haired blue eyed. See, I never stop and think about the fact that my oldest son is mixed. I don't introduce him as my mixed kid. Therefore I just kind of, on a subconscious level, assumed that all my kids would look like him. Even after I married my husband and carried his baby for 9 months. I just never considered that my newest addition would look any different than the one we'd raised together for 11 years. So when they handed me this little blonde haired, blue eyed baby I was in a bit of shock.

We have never raised our children to see skin color as something that makes you any more different than the color of your hair or the color of your eyeballs. Our oldest obviously lives the reality that others may see him as different. But he understands that that is their issue and not his. Who people are consists of who they choose to be and the character they carry and deliver into this world.

It is because of this belief that I feel people see us as just a regular modern family. In all of our years as a family I have only ever had one person ask if my son was adopted. He didn't even have kids at school ask questions until his dad started volunteering in the classroom. But he is secure and happy with the family he has so it has never been a source of confusion for him.

The truth is that families come in all colors, shades, mixed religions, 1 parent, 2 parents, grandparents, adopted, straight or gay. The make up isn't as important as the quality. If children are loved and cared for by whomever is in charge of them then they will feel secure.

I was raised by my mother. My father lived several states away with his family. But I don't think I ever wanted for a daddy per se. (Let's forget the teen years where I threatened to move in with my dad!) My mother filled that "void" perfectly. We got her father's day gifts and cards and she loved us enough for 2 people. This was just our family make up. I always say that I have the 2 best parents in the world. They are perfect- just as long as they are apart. They didn't work well together but they each loved us enough for that not to matter.

I guess my kids are lucky to grow up in this new millennium where the face of the modern family doesn't have to be mom+dad+1 boy+ 1 girl+ 1 dog, blah, blah, blah. It's not perfection but it's progress. For me and my family we will continue to love each other for who we are and will be. We will see each other as people and not as colors. And we will continue to foster this in as many other people as possible.

Why Twitter will make you a better mom

2010-12-27T11:55:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, I am an avid Tweeter. I Tweet about big things like my bed rest adventure and even the birth of my baby to little things like when the baby finally pooped after days of constipation. And I have to confess that Twitter has become one giant source of mommy support for me. I have a fantastic circle of real life friends that offer all kinds of support but during bed rest having moms on Twitter who were or had been on bed rest was invaluable. And after I had the baby I had several mommies with newborns who would all Tweet during midnight feedings and such and it made me feel better knowing I wasn't the only one awake at butt thirty in the morning!

But I think the thing I love most about Twitter is that it allows mommies to vent and be heard at any time of day. There are so many social expectations of mothers and sometimes a girl can feel a bit suffocated. I think that for the most part mommies still feel censored, like we don't have a voice. Like we still need to keep a smile and put on a brave face. Heaven forbid mom have a bad day and flip her shit when the kids are at each others throats (again!) or when the hubby makes her angry. Even though women have clearly advanced since busting out of their aprons in the 50's, there is still this Madonna (the virgin- not the "Like a virgin") imagery society has in regard to mothers. We can't lose our tempers. We can't admit that it's overwhelming some days. We can't call our kids brats or say our husbands are jerks- even if we only mean it until the mood passes. We can't drink, smoke, or pop a Xanax from time to time. We can't wear clothes that make us feel sexy (yes moms still like to feel sexy!). And Lord help us if we have tattoos!

The truth is that motherhood is a blessing but there are other moments where it feels like a curse! I love my kids unconditionally (obligatory disclaimer) and nothing they do on any day will ever change that. So what's the problem with having days where you want to lock yourself in the bathroom with a bottle (or two) of wine and turn your iPod up until you can't hear the screams, whines, and nagging? Well while we can't (legally) do that, we can now instantly connect to a plethora of amazing mommies who know exactly what that feels like and can cheer us on and talk us down. Twitter is a place we can scream (IN ALL CAPS) or cuss (so little ears don't hear) the minute we get upset. This form of venting can be super cathartic and allow moms to move on from the moment quicker. No more shutting your mouth and bottling your feelings behind a smile until one day you explode and go on a wine drinking brownie eating credit card burning rampage. Yes kids- Twitter makes me a better mom!

The Holidays really sealed the deal on this theory for me. I can't even tell you how many Tweets I read about crazy in laws, stupid husbands, and ungrateful kids. These were moments in the lives of my Twitter moms that needed their own voice so these mommies could move past it and enjoy their Holiday. It's like our internal dialogues finally have an external outlet! Sometimes they sound like sheer frustration. Sometimes they sound like snarky sarcasm. Sometimes they are straight up anger. But if it keeps a smile on mommy's face while still giving her a voice, then you go girls! Twitter seems to have become a place for moms to get a little piece of themselves back. So keep Twweting ladies! You need it and believe it or not- your family needs it too!

Drama-It's a choice

2010-12-26T15:52:00.000-08:00

I had a dramatic upbringing. Drama flowed freely in our house of women- 3 of us teens at the same time. Poor mom. Much of this drama was courtesy of yours truly. But thanks to my mother's patience, a few visits from the Oakland Police Department, & a heavy dose of professional counseling for me we all made it out alive! And, I made a decision to have as little drama in my adult life as possible.

This wasn't an immediate change. It's taken years of self evaluation, deep breathes, and tongue biting to get to a point where I understand the difference between crappy things happening to you and drama. Hard times in your life are unavoidable. They're going to happen. But it's how you respond to them that dictates if they will be dramatic or not. This year our lives were turned upside down with more bad news than we ever expected. But we kept our heads up and handled ourselves with as much dignity as possible. This wasn't just important for us. It was also extremely important for our children. I believe that once God has placed children in your care it is your job to eliminate drama and set an example for them. You need to be a shelter for your children. And choosing drama and involving your children doesn't do any good.

Every time horrible circumstances come across my path I remind myself that it will pass and that far worse things are happening to other people every day. I think that, for myself, the realization that I may not be unique in my circumstance but that I most certainly can be unique in my response to it has been the life changer for me. Example: Some people spin out of control because of divorce. That could pertain to spouses or children. So before indulging your urge to be self indulgent and then blame everyone but yourself remember that it may be a low point for you right now, but that people do it and do it well every day without submitting to the drama. I know for me, my first 8 weeks on bed rest found me in self pity, chaos, & fear. Until I joined a forum of bed rest mommies and realized this happens every day and that other moms have it worse. So even though I had another 15 weeks of bed rest, it was full of love and not drama. It was a choice.

So if I have been able to make this choice then I also expect the same from those I choose to be around me and my children. I can't and won't deal with lies, exaggerations, bad choices in the name of hard times, and the like. We are all adults and as adults we must be who we want our children to become. If you want your children to grow up unable to cope when life throws curveballs at them then continue with the drama. But if you want them to be successful adults, employees, spouses, and event parents, then make your choices.

Pajama Christmas

2010-12-16T18:44:00.000-08:00

In a year where chaos has been the theme an nothing familiar has taken place, I am 100% giddy like a child for Christmas! Each year our family does Pajama Christmas. We completely skip all the traditional Christmas Day festivities and opt for a day of leisure. And I couldn't be more excited this year! We don't completely deny Christmas it's traditions. We just do them a day early. On Christmas Eve we do the big dinner with friends and we allow the kids to open one gift. But on Christmas Day when everyone else is up early baking, cooking, cleaning, and even showering- we are cozied around our tree doing none f it.

Our Christmas morning starts with a tradition that began when I was a child. My grandparents owned a general store. And each year on Christmas Eve we'd head over to their house and have the big dinner then stay up until midnight to open gifts. That's not the tradition I am talking about though. The best part of Christmas with our grandparents was that they would wrap and gift each of the grand kids a box or two of Pop Tarts. Then on Christmas Morning we already had breakfast while we opened our gifts from Santa!

So as soon as the kids wake us, we all pour out into the living room and begin. We eat Pop Tarts and open presents. We are sure to get games and movies each year for the kids because the remainder of the day is 100% lazy family day. We play games, watch movies, and never get out of our jammies! It's magnificent! And there is NO cooking! A day or two before I will buy sub sandwiches, etc. so that our lazy day isn't bothered by trivial things like cooking.

This is my favorite day of the year because I know that I will have the whole day with my family. Free of disruptions and responsibilities. It's a day when all of us are happy to be at home with each other. We have no where to go and nothing to do other than enjoy each other.

This year, this tradition means even more to me. I have really learned to refocus and appreciate every day with my husband an children. Each day is not promised to us but is gifted to us. And the greatest gift each year isn't under my tree. It's sitting in its jammies eating Pop Tarts with me.

Happy Winterhanakwanzamas!

2010-12-09T15:02:00.000-08:00

We are killing Christmas.

Before you get your stocking in a bunch hear me out. You may be thinking that Christmas is alive and well! Why, we even start celebrating it in October now! The stores are adorned with lit up trees and jack-o-lanterns. This year one of the houses we trick-or-treated at already had their Christmas lights up. I was actually disappointed when they didn't hand out candy canes. Then we graze over Thanksgiving really quick so we can get to Black Friday and start threatening each others lives for a great deal on an iPod at 4:00am. Finally December arrives and houses are in fierce competition to have the best lights. It's neighbor against neighbor block after block! And don't forget the trip to see a grumpy Santa after an hour wait in line. Be sure to pay $20 for ONE picture of your child screaming while drunk Santa wrestles him into his lap for that perfect shot.

Speaking of Santa, how much longer do you think this beloved childhood memory will last? I think that when I was growing up it was easier to keep that belief going and keep it magical. But with TV, Internet and social media everywhere our children turn, the secret may be out sooner and sooner. When we were kids we saw one Santa at the mall. If we saw him on TV at all it most certainly wasn't HD so he could easily pass for mall Santa. Now there's Santas at each mall, pet stores, libraries, on the Internet, and in HD on your TV! Kids can tell that these are not the same guy! Bad news for mom and dad!

Yes! Aren't the Holidays grand?! Wait- that brings me to the next knife in the back of Christmas. It's Christmas people. The birth of Christ and all. How would you like it if on your birthday everyone had to say Happy Birthday to everyone else just to be fair? I'm not saying that we should ignore Solstice, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or any of the like. I am saying that if your celebrate Christmas, you should be able to say "Merry Christmas" to whoever you like. Just as if some says "Happy Kwanzaa" to you, you wouldn't tell them they should say "Happy Holidays".

I worked in real estate property management for years and in accordance with Fair Housing we couldn't acknowledge ANY specific holiday. So I invented Winterhanakwanzamas. It's all your Holiday needs rolled into one. And it's a bit of a tongue in cheek salute to the absurdity of how P.C. we have become. Feel free to use it. I'm done with it. I'm not working this year so I'm gonna Merry Christmas the CRAP out of people!

There was a time when Christmas was about Jesus, friends, family, food and grattitude. But somewhere we lost it and it became about consumerism, competition, and it certainly has nothing to do with Jesus. I think this needs to change. So go out and let your Merry Christmas shine! Let's bring Christmas back to life!

Hitting the bottle

2010-12-01T22:02:00.000-08:00

This has been a year. For any of you that have been following my blog you know what I'm talking about. We started the year finding out we were expecting our third child (surprise!) and then 8 days later we lost my father in law suddenly and tragically. Just weeks after that we began our 23 week bed rest journey with a trip to the ER when I hemorrhaged and we thought I had lost the baby. After losing his father just weeks before my husband had to hear that he could lose me and/or the baby. Thankfully this was not the case. But that trip to the ER set off a series of events that kept us busy trying to keep our baby, our home, any form of insurance, and any last bit of sanity we had. You'd think that once our son was born the weight would be lifted but the hits kept coming when the baby & I were involved in a car accident caused by an under aged drunk driver. A few weeks after that I had surgery to have my gall bladder removed. Busy, Busy, Busy.

I'm, surprisingly, not complaining about any of this. I am grateful for each of these things as God has provided grace in each of these circumstances. My Pastor recently said that God does not give us our circumstances but rather He gives us the means to overcome them. A message I needed to hear this year and the truth in that statement is abundant. Now that we are past each of these circumstances I can see the lesson I learned in each. The strength we have gathered and the love that was provided to us by those around us so that we can survive it.

There is one exception. My father in law's death. Each of our other circumstances had an expiration date. Pregnancy ends with healthy baby. I'll find another job. Physical therapy heals the wounds from the accident. And surgery takes care of the bad gall bladder. But the sudden and extremely unexpected death of someone you love dearly is something that doesn't have an expiration date. It's something that we now have to learn to walk with. It will be with us forever. Especially my husband. His father was his best friend. They talked several times a week from across the country. We video chatted, emailed, texted, and visited regularly. My father in law was so excited about the new baby. He loved us and we loved him.

My husband was able to head to Tennessee right after it happened to help arrange the funeral and help settle affairs. And I am so grateful for that. But the issues with our pregnancy started so soon after that my husband refocused his energy and emotions. He was not going to lose me and the baby too. He spent the whole pregnancy tenderly caring for me and our other two boys. He cooked, cleaned, drove, attended appointments, disciplined, and held me when I cried. He was my hero. All of this kept his brain busy and he took all of the mourning for his father and stuck it in the bottle. Then after the baby was born healthy and strong, we got hit by a drunk driver and his focus stayed on us. More went into the bottle. Just as things were settling down I went in for surgery and my husband was left caring for me again. The bottle is getting pretty full.

Finally I recovered and I am able to help take care of our family and lighten my dear husband's load. But there's a few more things lurking around the corner. They say that the first year after a loved one dies, the survivors experience "The year of firsts". Between October 12 and Jan 23 my husband will have endured his 40th birthday, Veterans Day (his father was air force), Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, our son's 4th birthday, and finally the anniversary of his father's death. These will all be the first time my husband has faced these occasions without a phone call from his father. POP! The top is off the bottle!

So how do we navigate this? How do I ensure that I am the wife he needs me to be? How does he say goodbye to his father without feeling like he's letting him go? I feel as though each of our vows has been tested this year. But we will prevail. My husband was an amazing example of love and husbandry this year for me. So I will support him, cry with him, talk with him, listen to him, pray for and with him, and love him with everything in me. We will learn to walk with this. We will learn to live despite this. We will always love his father and each other. God is good and He will provide.

Open post from my breasts

2010-11-22T22:31:00.000-08:00

Dear makers of nursing bras- in all of your years making and selling nursing bras, have you ever consulted an actual mother? Let alone one with a cup size larger than an A? I am a naturally busty lady. I sport a D cup when I'm NOT breastfeeding. When you figure in breast milk and swollen glands, we're in the market for some serious support. By serious support I'm talkin' under wire and thick straps! Additionally, it needs to breathe. There's a lot going on in there. While you're at it we can add some sass to the bra too! Believe it or not, mommies like to feel a little sassy too and when we are wearing grandma style bras it socks our self esteem right in the gut!

I have gone shopping for nursing bras twice now since having my baby 2 months ago. The first trip I was so disgusted with the lack of style and support that I bought two sports bras that fastened in the front instead. These bras looked infinitely better, had support cups, and made me feel less like a milking cow and more like a hot mama! HOWEVER, they were racer back bras and the weight of my giant milk bags pulled the straps causing pain in my shoulders.

So back to the store I went! I finally found a bra in a DD size with under wire! But the fabric is so thin that my poor boobies look like they are melting. Boo. And the only color it came in was nude. A serious lack of sassiness. But it went home with me because I needed the under wire! I also grabbed 2 other bras in a DD that did not have under wire. WHY you would even MAKE DD bras without proper support I have no idea! They instantly age my breasts by about 30 years! And can I mention that I am actually an F but that the largest size I can find is a DD so everywhere I go I look like my breasts have breasts! I'm talking overflow ladies!

I am sure there are amazing DD and larger nursing bras out there. I am also sure that in order for me to own one I would have to search high and low and pay an exorbitant amount of money. Money that is better used on diapers right now.

Nursing bras are a necessary evil. They offer mommies ease in feeding, especially out in public. Because at home we can just let it all hang out! But for as much as we need them, we loathe them.

So I challenge you nursing bra makers of the world. Help a sista out. Talk to some actual moms. Design a beautiful, affordable bra that keeps the girls closer to their original location- above our belly buttons! With all the technology out there I'm sure we can make it happen. Until then, I'll be strapping my F boobs into my DD granny bra and waiting..... just waiting.

Never is a four letter word

2010-11-10T23:48:00.000-08:00

Have you ever heard the term "Don't write checks with your mouth that your ass can't cash"? I learned a while ago that when you use the word "never" it's like asking the universe to book mark that idea, judgement, or opinion so you can circle back to it yourself at another point.

This can be any number of things. I'll give you an example. In my early twenties I had a smokin' hot body. When I met my husband he was impressed with my ability to eat anything. I wasn't the typical salad eater when we went out. I'd strap on the old feed bag with the rest of the guys. Foolishly I thought I'd keep this virile young metabolism forever! I also thought people "let" themselves get fat or out of shape. Like it was a choice for everyone. I would NEVER let myself get like THAT! Check written. At the age of 25 I started having these terrible back issues. My doctor thought it was a result of my jogging on cement and said it was a joint issue. I'd have the back pain every once and while. Then when I was 28 I was working out much more in preparation for my wedding. I had 3 flare ups in 6 months. So my doctor sent me in for an MRI where we discovered that I had 2 herniated disks in my lower back that aggravated my sciatic nerve. Awesome. My lifestyle was forever changed with that diagnosis. I put on 25 lbs the first year. Check Cashed.

Over the course of the years I've seen this happen time and time again in my own life. I've tried so hard to stop using the word "never". It's a four letter word! It's a dare to the universe! I have this image of God sitting up in heaven with his "lesson board". When you say things like "We'll NEVER break up!" or "When I have kids I'll NEVER yell at them!" or "I've NEVER lost my job because I'm a good employee". These are all lessons to be learned. You will break up because he or she turns out to be someone different than you fell in love with. You will yell at your kids because it is normal and unavoidable. And you will lose your job because your company goes under and the fact that you're a good employee can't save you.
It may not happen right away. It could be years down the road. But chances are that at some point you will experience the flip side of those statements. The universe is listening.

I figured this one out years ago. But there are still checks out there floating around. I still have outstanding "never's" that have their lesson attached to them. And try as I may to avoid the cashing process, it always catches up to me! But the bright side to all of these check cashings is that we grow and become empathetic to the people around us. We slowly learn that we are not the exception. That we are just like the people we judge. We become more capable of compassion and understanding. So keep an eye out for when your never checks head back to be cashed.

Babies SMILE

2010-11-09T22:08:00.000-08:00

It's been a debate for years. But I don't know why. What is there to debate? Babies smile. Really. They do. It drives me absolutely insane when someone tells you that it's "just gas". If it IS gas, has it ever crossed any one's minds that maybe that fart or burp felt awesome and made the baby SMILE? How many times have you witnessed the relief and happiness any given adult experiences after a good gas letting followed up by a smile? Hmmmmmmm?

My babies have each came out the womb smiling. They smile at me. They smile in their sleep. They smile at nothing. But they smile. If babies can find it in themselves to be responsible for feelings of unhappiness as early as the moment they are born, then why is it so far fetched to believe that they can also understand happiness?

Babies are pure emotion as they feel their way through this new world. They are emotion and subsequent reaction to that emotion. If they are tired they sleep. If their tummy hurts they fuss. If they are upset they cry. And if they are happy they smile. Big beautiful baby smiles!

If you still don't think that babies smile, keep it to yourself. Because parents love their baby smiles. They light up our days! They are what we live for! They make the sleepless nights, the dirty diapers, and the post baby body all worth it. Baby smiles are why we try for months to conceive, suffer IVF, bed rest, and a whole other flurry of hardships in our attempts to be parents. It's all for that beautiful baby smile! It's pure, it's real, and it's all for us!

The Green Pumpkin

2010-10-22T22:30:00.000-07:00

This year has been different in so many ways. One of those ways is that I was not able to be an active mother for the 23 weeks I was on bed rest. This was so hard on many levels. I think that my 14yr old adjusted better to this as he had a better understanding of the situation but I worried about our 3yr old and how this would affect our relationship. I tried to maintain my mommy-ness through reading in bed to my 3yr old, watching movies with him, doing arts and crafts, and playing catch with balloons but he needed so much more. So with a heavy heart I watched as my 3yr old grew closer and closer to his father. Now, he has always been a daddy's boy but he and I still had our special relationship. So as he became increasingly aware that my parental role was far less active than daddy's, he naturally gravitated to dad for anything he needed. And who was I to argue since I literally could not care for my kids. I could only care for the one growing inside of me.

So since we've had the baby, I have been able to step back into the role of full fledged mommy to all of my children! To my teenager I am sure his opinion about my reemergence changes depending on the day and how much trouble he is in. I think overall he is glad I'm back to normal and able to be mom again. But much to my delight, our 3yr old has become a bona-fied mommy's boy! It's like he's rediscovering me all over again! What's great is that even though my time is more divided with a new baby, compared to the months preceding the baby's birth our 3yr old feels like he has more mommy time than ever! He wants mommy to read to him at night. He wants mommy to buckle him in the car seat. He wants to sit next to me and cuddle with me. His favorite thing is that when he gets done with his bath mommy can pick him up an wrap him in a towel to make a "baby burrito". He waited so patiently when I was on bed rest for these moments. And I eat them up! Each one is special and makes my heart happy!

Last Friday our 3yr old's daycare class had a trip to the pumpkin patch. I really wanted to go with them but due to my car accident I was scheduled for physical therapy that day. I was pretty upset about this. So my husband and I waited at the daycare until they were ready to load onto the bus and I gave our son extra kisses and told him to have a fun time on his adventure (even if it was without me). When we went to pick him up from daycare later that day he was so excited to see us and told me to cover my eyes because he had a surprise for me. I promptly obeyed. Once he was ready he instructed me to open my eyes. When I did, my little boy was standing proudly before me with his arms stretched out and in his hands was a small green pumpkin. He was beaming and told me it was a surprise for me and that he picked it himself. He also said he picked the green once because green is my favorite. Heart. Melting. Now.

In a patch of pretty and traditionally orange pumpkins he saw this little green pumpkin and chose it just for me. His mommy. While all of his friends undoubtedly picked pretty orange pumpkins, he chose that green one. He didn't pick a pumpkin for him. He picked it for me. His mommy. And I wish you could see how proud he was of this little green pumpkin. He knew how special what he did was. And still, days later, if you come to our house he will pull that pumpkin down from its prime spot on display in the living room and show you the pumpkin he picked for mommy.

This is what I missed. While I sat in bed for 23 weeks wondering if I was a good enough mommy to my family, this little boy never gave up on me. He just waited patiently until I made my come back. I have always appreciated my children and the gift they are to me. But this year has emphasized that for me. I appreciate them 100% more! I love each and every one of them and I love that I get to be their mommy every day!

Where does the luck fall?

2010-10-11T20:04:00.000-07:00

The other night while driving home from dinner at a friend's house, our car was struck by a drunk driver. It was my sister, my best friend, my newborn, my 1yr old niece and I in the car. We didn't see it coming as we were coming up over a small hill. I just remember seeing lights and then instantly being hit. I can still hear the sound of the metal crunching and scraping. The driver struck us, we bounced off the curb and then I believe we struck him again before he hit the Hummer behind us head on. The drunk driver and the Hummer ended up on the sidewalk. My best friend did an excellent job of correcting our car and bringing us to our final stopping place in the center turn lane.

Whenever I am in an emergency situation I get this serene sense of calm and clarity. This night was no exception. My best friend had been screaming and I remember telling her it's okay repeatedly. My sister had been sleeping in the back when the car struck her door. Her head hit the side of the car and then she instinctively wrapped herself around my baby's car seat. Once we came to a stop, I called my husband right away as we were just blocks from our home. My mission now became getting the babies from the car, out of the rain, and safely home. My sister and my best friend couldn't get out of their side of the car as that's where the impact was. I grabbed my baby & his car seat from the car and then got my niece out of the car with my other free hand. It's that super human mommy strength you get when your babies need you! I then headed to the side of the road where we would be safe. My sister and best friend could now climb out of the car. Everything after that is flashing lights, police, rain, and fire trucks. My focus the whole time was getting those babies back to the house. It was all I could think about. I just kept thinking that I had worked too hard to bring my baby into this world and he could have been taken from me. So I wanted him home.

We all walked away from the accident that night. We have injuries and are sore. We will spend the next few weeks in physical therapy. But we walked away. God was with us. God was with that drunk driver believe it or not. So many things could have gone differently. If one of the babies had been on the side of the car where the impact was- this would be different. If there wasn't a center turn lane the driver would have hit us head on- this would have been different. If we had taken a smaller car- this would have been different. Different for us and different for that driver.

So who was the lucky one? I can say without a doubt that myself and my family are lucky. God had angels wrap their arms around us and keep us all safe. Especially those babies. But I hope this young man realizes that he is lucky too. I hope he sees this for the lesson that it is. I hope he NEVER makes that decision again. A few beers with buddies can change your life forever. It can change the lives of people you don't even know forever. So many drunk drivers continue to drive drunk, tipsy, etc. because they haven't had a night like this YET. I hope that not only does this young man choose to never drive after drinking again but I hope he can be a living witness to the people around him. I hope he speaks of his luck and understands that God graced him with a second chance that night.

In total he hit 8 people in 2 cars that night. Two families were effected by his actions. But again, by the grace of God, 8 people went home and slept in their beds that night. 8 people are alive and breathing still today. And 8 people will spread this story. Hopefully this night will keep others from drinking and driving. Because I don't know how luck is determined and where the luck falls. But that night it fell on all of us.

Lie to me..... how to care for a new mom.

2010-10-02T14:15:00.000-07:00

The following blog is a how to guide on how to care for a new mommy. Understand a few things about a new mommy and her fragile ego. So many things are going on in her head in regard to how she views herself. Part of her is feeling thinner than she has in months! On the flip side, her old clothes still aren't quite fitting. Her skin is finally clearing up from acne, red spots, and a variety of other afflictions. She is getting less and less sleep which leaves her a little more emotional as well. Not to mention that her hormones are trying to get back to their normal state. She is also so in love with her new baby! And this is an extreme love on an emotional level you may not understand if you don't have children. This may leave her more focused on her baby than herself most days. All these things leave our new mommy unsure of how she looks and feels about herself. And please understand that by the time she is seeing you she has had to struggle all morning just to get a shower in, make up on, and find clothes that fit and don't have spit up or breast milk on them. Sure, she may not be the super model she was before she got pregnant. But she is beautiful now for many other reasons.

So what can YOU do for her you ask? It's really quite simple. Just tell her she looks great. Tell her you can't believe she just had a baby. Tell her you are amazed by how how she is juggling it all. I don't care if you really even mean it. This is what EVERY new mommy needs and deserves to hear. This simple act of kindness will be like a shot of energy and encouragement for any new mom! And it's so easy for you to do! I had my third baby just 3 weeks ago and the other day while visiting my old office, someone told me that I didn't even look like I'd had a baby! I hugged her. It was just what I needed to hear! Look, I'm well aware that 3 weeks after baby my body still has a ways to go. But that didn't matter at that moment. Someone else thought I looked good! I don't even care if she meant it. Lie to me. Just keep the compliments comin'!

And if you are a husband or partner of a new mommy, listen to me carefully..... you need to do this daily- starting directly after birth! Mommy needs to hear how great she looks TO YOU. She needs to know that you still find her attractive and that you respect the work she just did to give you this beautiful child. Now that her special place has been stretched and ripped in unnatural ways and her breasts are now milk machines (which she fears may never return to their former glory), it is super important that you calm her fears that she isn't your sexy wife anymore. After experiencing these things, some new mommies start viewing their bodies as functional. You need to assure her that you still see her and her body as attractive. This will not only keep her spirits up but it will nurture your relationship so that when you are able to be intimate again, she won't feel as self conscious. Again, she may not be the sexy vixen she was before baby right away. But she'll never get there without your encouragement and support. A dash of sugar is far more effective than a pile of salt any day. So sprinkle her with sugar daily and watch her spirits sweeten! My husband has been a shining example of how effective this method is. He tells me how great I look before we even leave the hospital and keeps it going every day. This encourages me to make sure that I am showering each day and looking good for myself and for him. I am so grateful to know that he still finds me attractive even though my body isn't the toned 22 yr old body he met 12 years and 2 babies ago!

This next piece of advice will require an open ear. But let me tell you the joy it will bring! There is no story more amazing to any mom than the story of the delivery of her child! This is the day she met the love of her life. This is the day she became a warrior. This is the day she put a person on the planet! It may not seem like these things to you, but to every new mom this is the most important, scary, amazing, painful, joyous, challenging, happy, and miraculous day of her life. Hands down! So it only takes a few words. Repeat after me- "How was your labor?". And then listen. Whether the labor was amazing or scary, let her talk about it. In her mind, nothing you've done recently can compare to this miracle day. So let her tell you about it. Listen to her and tell her how amazing she is for making it through.

Finally, tell her how beautiful her child is. If you don't believe it- lie. Or use a word like amazing or fabulous. This baby doesn't have to be the cutest thing you have ever seen. But you need to understand that to this mommy, she has never seen anything so perfect and beautiful in her life. After I had my first baby I remember saying to my mother "You'd tell me if he was ugly right? Because if he is I can't see it!". That baby could have come out with a foot on his head and I would have thought it was the cutest foot I had ever seen! This is honestly how mommies see their babies! Pure perfection! So validate that and let her know that she has done good work.

If you have never had a child you may not fully understand what I am asking you to do and why it's so important. If you have had a child then you totally get it. And while I am telling you to "lie to me" really what I am saying is to recognize the work I have done, the work I do daily as a new mom, and that while it may not seem like it, I am more beautiful now than I was before- just in a different way. And I need to hear it. All moms need to hear it. So take care of the new mommy in your life. She'll thank you for it!

Milk Machine

2010-09-28T14:50:00.001-07:00

I love, love, love breast feeding! I recommend it to anyone who is expecting. It's an amazing bonding experience for you and baby plus it's the healthiest option for your little one. It's the easiest way to feed at 2:00am and you certainly can't beat the price! The biggest draw for me is that you can't duplicate with a bottle the way that your baby looks at you while he or she is on the breast and their eyes meet yours and he grabs your finger. Love. It's the sweetest! Formula feeding is not bad for baby. Let me just clarify that before anyone jumps all over me. The strides that have been made in recent years to ensure that formula feeding is as equal to breast as possible are awesome! And for many mothers formula feeding isn't even an option. They have to due to an array of issues. I personally don't produce milk very long myself. I made it to 5 months with my first baby and 6 months with the last. Then my supply dried up. So I had to formula feed. My boys are healthy and strong! And I'm hoping to make it to 7moths with this baby!

So with that said, I'm gonna get to the flip side of breast feeding. When moms talk about breast feeding it's all unicorns and rainbows flying around while mommy and baby bond and share that magical moment. Seldom do they talk about the cracked nipples, the pain while baby is learning to latch on, the leaking, the engorgement, or the inability to plan your life past 2 hour increments because you will need to find a spot to sit and feed your baby!

I am a mother of 3 breast fed babies. My first was by far the easiest. He latched on like a pro right out of the womb! No pain, engorgement, or cracked anything. It was an adjustment for me, at the age of 20, to get used to the new found functionality of what had previously been fun. Fun to dress, fun to play with, fun to use as a supreme source of power over the opposite sex! Yes, they were no longer these things. They were now milk machines. Then my next 2 babies came out tongue tied. Meaning that the tendon that holds your tongue in their mouths extends all the way to the tip of their tongues and makes learning to latch on quite a trick to learn! Here's where we got to the pain, cracked nipples, and engorgement! But in time- and with enough breast feeding paraphernalia- they both got the hang of it. But I tell you, while they are learning those first few sucks on each breast felt like they were trying to extract my spine through my nipples!

Yes. There is a side of breast feeding that isn't so glamorous. And there are times where you will love it and times where you won't. Then there will just be days where you feel like a dairy cow! But overall its an amazing experience that I wouldn't trade for the world!

3 Miracles

2010-09-21T10:19:00.000-07:00

When my husband and I found out that we were pregnant in January it was a surprise. There wasn't any work that went into it. It just happened. And I remember telling him I was a little sad because this baby happened so effortlessly that he wouldn't have a miracle story. You see, I had felt that my other two boys each had a miracle story. That they were on purpose. So why did this one just fall in our laps. Lesson #1 for the year, don't speak too soon.

Miracle #1~ I was 19 when I conceived my first son. No one would have pegged me as the perfect candidate for motherhood at that time. I was living it up in the San Fransisco Bay Area and having a great time. I often say that there was a lot of trouble to get into in the Bay Area and I tried to get into all of it. I was at dance clubs and raves regularly and hanging with people who were not child friendly. I was horrified when I found out I was expecting. This didn't fit into my life! But the night I found out I was pregnant I was at a friend's house and her father, who was a former pastor, was there. I was crying and lamenting over what I should do. I told him that I had promised God I wouldn't have an abortion if I got pregnant but that now I just don't know. I will never forget what he told me. He said that If I break my promise to God, he will forgive me. But that if I delivered on that promise (which was honestly more scary at this point!) He would lead me down the right path and take care of us. And that He has. My oldest son is a miracle because from the moment that I decided he would be mine, he saved me from myself. I lived for him and stopped being a "kid" and started being a mom. To this day I refer to him as m Angel. When you are young, single, & pregnant people feel free to ask you if it was an "accident". This was insulting to me. My son was on purpose. So my response was always that "Cars get in accidents. My son was a surprise." My son has taken equal care of me. He is the reason that I fell in love with my husband. We met when my son was 2yrs old and seeing my husband care for him and love him painted a picture for me of this man's character. I remember when we first started dating he said to me "If you ever put me before your child, I will walk". After a hearty laugh I told him it will never happen. But it was a sign that this man understood and respected who my son was to me and to us. My son is a miracle!

Miracle #2~ My husband and I dated for 6 years before getting married. We had been successfully (depending on the day!) raising our first son and were excited about the prospect of getting pregnant right after our wedding! Literally- I planned to get pregnant that night! But it didn't quite happen that way. So we kept at it with the light hearted outlook that at least trying was fun. But anyone who has suffered with trying to conceive will tell you that after a while, even the trying becomes work. Over the course of the next 2 years we tracked ovulation, suffered miscarriages, I was tested for a myriad of things, blood was drawn and Josh even went in for testing. After 2 years we were on the verge of IVF when we found out that we were pregnant again. My miscarriages were all early on so we rushed to the OB when we tested positive and he put me on Progesterone supplements 3 times a day in an effort to keep this baby in. I was told to rest often. My husband was told to do everything so that I could stay off my feet. And we made it through the first trimester & started enjoying what was coming! Then our little impatient baby dropped at 34 weeks and I was placed on modified bed rest in an effort to keep him in until lung development at 36 weeks. He was born at 37.5 weeks perfectly healthy! He was also a miracle! When I look back on the 2 years of trying and the miscarriages, I can now See that the timing wasn't right. But with this pregnancy the timing was perfect! He was on purpose! And he was perfect!

Miracle #3~ So skip to this pregnancy. If you don't know the story you have some catching up to do on my blog! Needless to say that my theory of this baby not having a miracle story was short lived. He has been a fighter from the beginning. He has turned our lives upside down. And we wanted him even when we didn't know it! He IS on purpose and he IS a miracle!

I know that every mom believes that their children are miracles. But each of my children have a story to back it up. They are the greatest of all miracles to us. God has strategically placed each of them in our lives. They are all on purpose. I am amazed to see them and kiss them every day. There literally isn't a day that goes by that my children don't hear "I love you" several times a day. Love is like food to children and mine are well fed!

Delivery Day!

2010-09-20T16:01:00.001-07:00

After a looooong and suspenseful pregnancy, our sweet baby boy was safely delivered September 7th at 11:01pm! And boy was he ready! Our sweet baby boy arrived at a hearty weight of 9lbs 14oz and stretched out at an amazing 22" long! I guess I am just TOO good at bed rest!

I was scheduled to be induced at 39 weeks and 3 days on Tuesday the 7th. My contractions started on their own the Friday before. They were strong and pretty regular. I almost went in for a labor check by Sunday night but decided to wait and see if my water broke. I mean, it was only a few days until induction. And with my last pregnancy I had the same contractions 3 minutes apart from December 26th until January 3rd when our now 3yr old was born. I went into the hospital 3 times with our 2nd and all 3 times they confirmed I was in labor and sent me home since my water hadn't broken. Therefore when the contractions started this time we decided to wait it out.

The night before I was induced I took a sleeping pill (standard issue by my OB to ensure that mommy & baby are ready for the big day) and hit the sheets. We had to be up at 5:30 to get ready for our 7:30am check in time. But at 4:00am I was awakened by extremely strong back labor. By 4:30am it was time for my hubby to wake up and rub my back! No sleep for mom- no sleep for hubby! But even that didn't help. Induction or not, this baby was coming today! So we got up and started getting ready. We dropped off kids at school & daycare and headed to the hospital.

We checked into St. Francis at 7:30am and got settled in. Our friends arrived and once school was out the children also arrived. In all there were a total of 10 people who joined my husband and I at the hospital just waiting for this baby to make his appearance! Six of those were children ages 1yr to 14yrs and they did an amazing job waiting!

We have an amazing hospital and that extends to the two amazing L&D nurses that joined us that day for our delivery. Yvonne & Evelyn were just amazing and I think we were just as much of a gift to them as they were to us! As I am not a screamer or yeller when I am in labor, we were all able to enjoy the day. We joked, laughed and even watched "Swamp People" while I was pushing! The nurses had a fun day and so did we! The nurses took such amazing care of me while I was in labor and even took care of all of our visitors. At one point one of them delivered Popsicles and Graham crackers to all of the children waiting so patiently in the waiting room!

When it came time to push our 14yr old decided to stay in the room for the delivery which I was so excited about! He was there for the birth of our other boy so it felt complete to me to have them there again. And while I was on bed rest I spent a lot of time prepping our 3yr old for what would take place during delivery as it was my hope that he would also be in the room. We talked about how the baby comes out and even discussed C-sections in case that happened. While he wasn't in the room at the moment that the baby arrived, he did spend a good amount of time in the room while I was pushing. And while my 14yr old chose to stay safely at the headboard of my bed to avoid further mental scarring, our 3yr old bravely chose to be at the business end so he could see what was taking place! At one point I was mid push and I heard my 3yr old say, "I gotta get out of here". I lost it and we all started laughing!

So after an hour of pushing our baby's head emerged! Whew! Hard part's over- right? Nope. Someone has daddy's shoulders. One of his shoulders got stuck and the doctor had to twist and pull and prod to get him free. Finally I looked down and saw this massive hand sticking up. Our baby was here- and he was BIG! When they placed him on my chest I was in a bit of shock. I was amazingly relieved. But I later told my husband that it was like we were on that show "I didn't know I was pregnant"! We spent so many months keeping mental distance from this day just in case it turned out badly. So to be at this moment... to have him in my arms... so see him healthy and big and strong... I can't even explain it. It was surreal. But I couldn't exhale just yet. My husband and I had dreaded a part of delivery. We were scared that when it was time to deliver the placenta, the very thing that was the source of all of our issues, that I would hemorrhage again. So I couldn't totally relax until I knew it was out. Usually new mom's miss that whole part of the delivery because they are so infatuated with their new baby. But I was waiting. And when I felt it pass I asked the doctor if it was out and if I was okay. He confirmed both. At that point I relaxed. Were we really done? Was it really time to be happy?

It's been almost 2 weeks since he arrived and I can't stop looking at him, kissing him, telling him I love him, and thanking God that he is here! He truly is a surprise we never knew we needed! My family is complete. I have 3 healthy boys, an amazing husband and I have made it out healthy and able to enjoy them all.

The Last Day

2010-09-06T11:33:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow is a day we didn't plan for. Since March 2nd we have had only one plan for our baby's birth- keep him in as long as possible! And now we have reached as long as possible! We will be induced tomorrow! Baby will FINALLY be coming home! It's weird to plan his birth and know what will be happening for the first time this whole pregnancy.

The plan today is to enjoy our last day at home as a family of 4. If all goes according to plan (wouldn't that be Divine!) we will have today to do last touches and baby preparation, pack the kids bags for their night at Tauntie's while we are in the hospital, as well as getting the guest bedroom set up for my mother who will be here the first full week home (YEAH!!!!!). Then we can have a great dinner, maybe watch a movie, and mommy has a special treat of an Ambien so I am rested before our labor day! Then tomorrow at 6:00am we call to get our induction time!

It's surreal now to look around the house and picture our baby taking up these empty spaces. The bassinet next to our bed will have him sleeping soundly in it soon. The swing in the living room will keep him happy while I make dinner. The Boppy Pillow will help hold him while he nurses. And then there's all of our arms. They have been empty in anticipation of this little boy for so long. I can't wait for them to be full of this little boy!

Yes. It's surreal after so long to know that he will be home soon. There is still a part of me that is worried something will happen during delivery so I keep praying- hard. I won't fully let myself embrace my excitement until he is home safe with us. Until I can hold him and smell him and kiss his little (or big!) head. Until I know he is real and ours. So please keep us all in prayer. We are at the end of an incredibly long and turbulent journey. It's the last day.

Cry Baby

2010-08-30T14:58:00.000-07:00

So as of today I am 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant. A full week more pregnant than I have ever been. I have always loved being pregnant and have sung the praises of pregnancy to anyone who would listen! However, I have always inserted the disclaimer that much of that opinion can be attributed to the fact that I have never made it to the last few weeks of pregnancy. The really uncomfortable part. Well wasn't I lucky to insert that disclaimer into my exhalations of pregnancies!? Otherwise I'd be hearing a lot of "I told you so's" right about now!

I am sore. My hips feel like they are splintering, my herniated disks are being challenged daily, and I continually feel like someone has taken a baseball bat to my pubic bone. Awesome. I am not sure how much of this is attributed to the last few weeks of pregnancy or if it is a direct result of not really carrying the baby for 36 weeks since I was on bed rest. And I am EXHAUSTED! I sleep in 30-90 minute increments each night. So after a busy day it is of no relief to crawl into bed at night. And I cry. Yes. I cry. I am not sure if this is hormones or exhaustion. Probably a decent mix of both. And since being switch to modified bed rest at 32 weeks, I have had daily contractions. They are not painful but they are exhausting none the less. I am a hot mess all around. It's glamorous to say the least.

And it doesn't physically help that the baby is a linebacker. At our OB appointment last week we had an ultrasound to determine his size (since I have been measuring a few weeks ahead) and we found out that our little man isn't so little. My back, hips, and pubic bones have all been crying and suffering due to an 8lb 8 oz baby hanging out in my pelvis! That explains so much! but I have to say that his cute little chubby cheeks on the ultrasound made me want to meet him even more!

I also struggle with the mind games that still being pregnant has presented me. I know I should be so super grateful that he is still growing and getting healthier every day but the selfish, tired, uncomfortable part of me wants him out NOW! I feel guilt for still being pregnant when I know so many women (personally or through the bed rest forum I am on) who didn't make it this long. Why do I still get to be pregnant? It's just been a lot to deal with that I didn't expect. The whole time I was on bed rest I dreamed of making it to 36 weeks and being overjoyed with the success and the freedom. I wasn't prepared for the guilt and confusion that being full term would present. I feel like a cry baby but I can't control it. I will be better once he comes and is home. I know this.

But we have an end in sight. If he hasn't come naturally by September 7th, we will be induced. Again, due to his size, this will help increase my chances of delivering him vaginally. I just want my little man home, my body back, my sanity in tact (well- as much as it ever has been!) and a little bit of predictability in my life. Then I will stop being a cry baby.

I. Am. Ready.

2010-08-22T10:38:00.001-07:00

So here I am at 37 weeks. Today I am 37 weeks and 3 days. I am just about as pregnant as I have ever been since my 1st baby was born at 37 weeks and my 2nd was born at 37 1/2 weeks. And I feel it! I know I've been absent from my posts but I have been out and a about and enjoying life outside my house for the first time in months! I have been soaking in the compliments and comments about my belly. Answering the question "When are you due?" and waddling to as many places as my body will allow me. Additionally, my sister and her family moved around the corner from us just as I hit 36 weeks and came off full bed rest! So for the first time in months my days have been full, busy, and wonderful!

I have to admit that for the last 2 weeks (since 35 1/2 weeks which is when full lung development starts to occur) I have had mixed emotions about belly baby arriving. There is obvious relief that for the first time since finding out we were pregnant he is safe and can come when he chooses. But then after so many months of bed rest and trying to keep him in until he is safe, you kinda don't want him to come out yet. You kinda need him to stay in so you can enjoy being pregnant the way you are supposed to. It's a tough gear to shift to.

But I do have to say that after 2 weeks of relief and being able to get up and move about for the first time..... I AM READY NOW! There is a gradual physical adjustment to your pregnancy that you experience while pregnant over the course of 40 weeks. This is an adjustment I didn't get to experience since I was sitting or laying down for the bulk of my pregnancy. Therefore as I move about and do all the things I dreamed of for months, there is an incredible amount of discomfort which is only amplified at night when I am forced to sleep on my side. My hip joints feel like they are splintering into a million pieces. Sometimes when I get up to pee I can barely walk. This is all new to me! I didn't have this issue with my last two. And while at first I simply wrote it off and told my husband I can't complain because we are so lucky that we are still pregnant, I no longer feel that gracious! I'm tired and want sleep! Even if it's an hour or two between feedings! And since coming off of strict bed rest I have had contractions every day as my body adjusts to carrying this heavy load. It's exhausting! I keep telling my husband that I feel like I'm balancing a boulder on 2 sticks! And because he is a big baby when he stretches and moves, it can be downright painful!

And this isn't all in my head either. This is a big baby. I make big babies. At my 30 week ultrasound he measured 1lb. 4oz. ahead of schedule. That was almost 2 full months ago. So if he was 4lbs. 4oz. almost 8 weeks ago he has to be a bruiser by now! And I can feel it! I have an OB appointment this week and we will do another ultrasound to try and determine his size. Once we know his size we will schedule me to be induced. If he grows too large then a C-Section will be required which is not what I want. It just seems crazy to me to plan his birth. For months we didn't know when he'd come. The goal was to NOT deliver him. And my last 2 pregnancies resulted in early delivery so I was still working up until the days I went into labor! I've never felt "ready". I've never had hospital bags packed. I've never sat and wished my water would just break so I can have this kid already! All new to me.

Here is the good thing about all the trouble with this pregnancy. My husband and I had determined that we were done having children before we got pregnant this time. But to me it didn't seem right and a piece of me mourned the fact that I would be closing the door on my child baring years. But this pregnancy has been just the closure I needed for that chapter of my life! I can safely say I am all done and I am satisfied with the the idea of never being pregnant again! I have always LOVED being pregnant and I still loved this pregnancy and feeling our little sweetie grow inside me. It's a miracle you can't explain to people. With that said... I am ready to be done. I am ready to raise our children and send them off into the world! Next stop- grandma! In about 10-20 years!

That Day

2010-08-10T11:00:00.000-07:00

I've been contemplating for a while over reliving the day our world changed. March 2, 2010 was when our bed rest roller coaster ride started. It was a horrifying day which resulted in a complete upheaval of our lives. I wasn't sure if I wanted to lay it all out in writing but after a lot of thought I came to the conclusion that it would be cathartic. Additionally, I felt I needed to do this before our baby was born. Any mom knows that once that baby is in your arms, any pain of pregnancy or delivery is greatly minimized if not entirely erased. What happened that day may be considered a little graphic to some. Fair warning.

To say this all began on March 2nd wouldn't be fair. It all actually started in December. My husband and I had always dreamed of having 4 children. But after having our 2nd child our minds changed. Our oldest hit his 13th year the same year that our youngest hit his 2nd year. Tough years for both and a tough year for mom and dad. We had several discussions and came to the conclusion that we were happy with the 2 boys we had. We wanted to raise them well and see them off then enjoy our remaining years staring at each other lovingly. Yes. This plan sounded divine to us!

But at the dinner table one night I opened a door. I said to my husband, "Honey, I really don't want any more kids."
He says, "I know. Me neither."
"But it doesn't seem right to me to stop at 2 when our plan was to have 4".
"Did you want to try for more?!"
"NO! But.... it just doesn't feel like we're finished."
Picture husband's confused face here. We discussed for a while and talked to the kids about how they felt about another baby. They were fine with it but my husband and I still weren't 100% on board. So by the end of the conversation we agreed to leave it in God's hands. After all, when we tried to conceive our youngest we tried for over 2 years, endured multiple tests, suffered a few miscarriages, were on the verge of IVF when we conceived, and then I had to take progesterone supplements 3 times a day for the first trimester just to keep him in. It's not like it was going to be easy so why not leave it up to God? Famous last words. Sometime in the next 1-2 weeks I was pregnant.

So off to the OB we went where I was, again, put on the Progesterone supplements to keep baby in. It was all so hard to process as it happened so quickly. Since we had a history of miscarriage we decided to hide the pregnancy from everyone for the first trimester. No easy feat since I show very early. But thankfully God whispered in our ear and advised us to inform our immediate family. They were all ecstatic. it was great to hear the excitement in their voices! I found out I was pregnant January 16, 2010 and on January 23rd, my husband's father died tragically and unexpectedly.

Our lives started spinning while we grasped everything that was happening. And to be honest, between my father in law's death and the fact that we didn't really plan to get pregnant, I hadn't bonded with the fact that I was even carrying our baby. There were days I would forget. I would still take my Progesterone out of habit but mentally I wasn't connected. Every once and a while I would get a reminder that I was pregnant as my little bulging belly would bump into something. And I felt bad about it. I felt like a bad mommy. But our lives were so full of funerals and mourning. I had been sick with a terrible cold for over a month and I was also under an immense amount of pressure at work. My mind just wouldn't go there.

So the morning of March 2nd I went into work as usual. I had just stopped taking my Progesterone supplements as I was now 2 days into my second trimester. I had also just told my employees about my pregnancy the week before as I was having a hard time hiding it and I felt we were in a safe place. That morning at work was like any other. I felt fine and went about my business as usual. At one point I stood up from my desk and felt the urge to go pee so I headed down to the bathroom. When I sat on the toilette I felt this large gush and heard a lot of plopping. I looked down and saw blood and clots falling out of me. Oddly, the first thing I thought of was my sister. Our family suffers what I refer to as "Teflon uteruses" and while I had always been lucky to suffer miscarriages very early, she had them later on (as did my mother as well) and they were much more traumatic. So when I saw all this blood the first thing I thought was that this is what it was like for her and that I, too, was losing my baby. I panicked and reached into the toilette thinking my baby was in there. There was so much blood and muck that I couldn't find anything. So I cleaned up, washed my hands and headed upstairs.

I told my leasing associate that I think I was having a miscarriage and that I needed her to call my husband to take me to the ER and to call my supervisor to let her know why I was leaving. I sat at my desk breathing in and out and trying to remain calm. I kept thinking that whenever you watch TV and some pregnant lady is possibly losing her baby, the doctors always tell her to remain calm because that's what's best for the baby. So I sat and breathed but I could still feel the gushing. My husband arrived quickly and we headed to the ER.

We went to admitting and the 20 something nurse behind the desk took all my information while talking hospital office politics with an orderly. I was 13 weeks so she also assumed I was "just" miscarrying. She told me that if I am miscarrying that there's really nothing they can do but make me comfortable. She asked if I needed a pad to which I replied "Yes! I am gushing blood!". At this point my husband was called away to hand over the kids to our friends who had just showed up at the ER to watch them. Nurse No-sense wheeled me over to a bathroom in the hall and handed me a few pads and wipes to get cleaned up. When I came out of the bathroom she was no where to be found. She left me in a hallway with my wheelchair hemorrhaging. Did I mention that the wheelchair wasn't the kind you can wheel yourself? After waiting a few minutes my husband found me and wheeled me back over to the desk. Nurse No-Sense was still chatting up the same orderly and informed me that we'd have to sit in the waiting room. So that we did. For 2 hours. I cried the whole time. I was still hemorrhaging and I could feel each gush. I sat and questioned everything I had done the last 13 weeks and how this could be my fault. Was it the medication they gave me for my cold? Or the medicine I was prescribed for my migraines? Was it the stress from work and losing my father in law? Or was it simply because I wasn't connected to the baby and was somehow deemed ungrateful and unworthy. So many things went through my mind and my husband tried to calm my fears but in that moment the guilt was immense. At one point another family saw my belly (I told you I show early) and wished me luck with my baby. I feel bad now but my response to them was "There probably won't be one!" and I broke down again.

Finally at the 2 hour mark I told my husband to tell the front desk that we are going home because I'd rather loose my baby at home in my bed than in the ER waiting room. When he told them this, they suddenly had an open bed. They took me and my husband back and put me in a hallway bed while they looked for a room. Once we were back our new nurse was very sweet and sympathetic. She got me a warm blanket as I had lost a lot of blood and offered me more clean pads as I was still bleeding and passing clots. She also offered me pain meds to make it easier and I declined. Thankfully. An ultrasound was ordered so they could see what was happening and much to my dismay my husband was not allowed to accompany me. I understood the policy but it was hard to leave him. This man just lost his father and now he's possibly losing his child. I didn't want him to be alone.

When I got to the ultrasound room the tech offered me a gown and told me to strip down. It was at this point that I noticed my underwear were completely soaked all the way up to the waist band. She offered me a bag to take them home and I told her I don't want them. It was just so much blood. I got on the table and she began the ultrasound. It was complete silence as she didn't turn the sound on on her machine. Understandable in situations like this. I laid on the table as she moved the wand all over my belly. I stared at the ceiling tile and prayed. I prayed to God and to my husband's dad. I wanted this baby that I didn't know I wanted. Then she apologized for taking so long and stated that the baby was just so small and she's trying to get a good heartbeat. Shock! I thought she wasn't finding anything! Tears welled up. "He's still in there?!" YES! I started bawling and telling her she was my favorite person of the day and that I loved her! I wanted my husband there. I wanted him to know his baby was okay.

She stated she had to leave me for a bit to show the images to the doctor. She said it looked like I had several blood clots. I laid on the table for what seemed like forever! I thanked God and thanked my father in law who I was now designating official angel for my baby! She returned shortly and stated that the doctor saw something else and wanted me to do a trans vaginal ultrasound to get a better look. Upon doing the second ultrasound they discovered that I also had Placenta Previa. Instead of the baby attaching to the side or top of the uterus, it had attached on top of the cervix. Not good.

They finally put me in a wheel chair and headed me back to my husband. I was so excited to tell him we hadn't lost our baby! As they wheeled me to our room, he was heading to the bathroom. I smiled so big with tears in my eyes and told him the baby was okay! But his face was blank and he said "Okay" and that he was headed to the bathroom. Not what I was expecting. When he got back to the room you could see the change. In the 45 minutes that they had me in ultrasound, my husband had shut down. He was on emotional overload between his father's death and this. The ER Doctor didn't comfort him much either when he arrived. The doctor was great and my spirits were much higher. But the doctor informed us that I had a subchrionic hemorrhage which lead to the clots and bleeding and that I do have Placenta Previa. He stated that the hemorrhaging was serious and that if it continued or happened again it could be fatal for the baby, myself, or both of us. He stated there was nothing we could do but strict bed rest, monitor the bleeding and wait while my body tried to heal. While I heard good news (my baby was alive no matter what was happening to me)my husband heard only that he could lose his wife and baby. It was agonizing to see his face as all this information struggled to implant itself in his head. We tried to decide what was going to be best for our family. We had 2 beautiful boys that needed their mommy. Do we keep the baby and trust in God or do we take our family's fate into our own hands to ensure our children have a mother. These are agonizing conversations to have as a husband and wife. It was all too much and we decided to make that decision later. We were drained. After several hours we were released home to strict bed rest (laying down with feet up. NO getting up unless I needed to use the bathroom) and advised to follow up with our OB the next day.

That night was restless. Each time I changed position in bed my husband would jump up and ask if I was okay. The bleeeding slowly tapered off and the next day we headed to our OB. More bed rest was prescribed. Over the next week or so we decided to let it ride and trust God with the baby. For the next few months everything was week to week with us. OB appointments weekly, high tech ultrasounds with the perinatologist to monitor everything internally, and the agonizing isolation of bed rest. Our diagnosis changed almost every time we went in for an ultrasound. More issues such as blood pooling in the lining of my uterus which can cause your water to break prematurely. Bed rest was literally all I could do about any of it. I fought the bed rest mentally. I had lost all control of my life. Nothing was in my hands. My job was on the line, I couldn't be a mother to my children or a wife to my husband. I was immensely depressed and cried almost daily. Finally it hit me that God can handle it if I can't. It's the old saying that God won't bring you to it if he can't bring you through it. Once I released my fate to God things got better. I found a online forum for moms on bed rest (www.keepemcookin.com) which has been a life saver! Our friends and family gathered around us in amazing ways! Our church supplied meals and prayer. While I lost my job, the Lord continued to provide. My husband became the most amazing man on the planet to me! I have loved him for 12 years and just when you think you can't love someone more, they amaze you!

This has been what I call a "God year". I can't control everything or anything in my life this year. That was all changed on March 2nd. But by allowing God to take over and redirect our lives I am learning so many lessons- from bed none the less! And despite the agony, drama, pain, and fear that March 2nd threw at us, we are now 35 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Our baby will be born healthy and any day! I suffer a little guilt for ever questioning if he should be here. But he is on purpose. He is supposed to join our family. He is our pot of gold at the end of the storm!

And Mommy is BACK!

2010-08-08T22:35:00.000-07:00

Okay, so you've read all I've written about bed rest and so many of the emotions it stirs. One that I don't think I really elaborated on was jealousy. I'll admit it. I was just plain jealous. Of who? My own husband. I wasn't jealous that he had to do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, fetching, shopping, worrying, bread winning, etc.(okay... maybe a little- I AM a control freak after all!). No, no. I was jealous that all of the sudden, he was the best thing in the world to our 3yr old and I simply had nothing to offer that kid!

Our 3yr old was patient at first with the situation. He'd sit in bed with me and watch movies and we found little creative ways to play. But he slowly learned that mom was out of the equation when it came to anything he needed. So dad fast became his favorite. Dad read books. Dad took him to the park. Dad read to him at bedtime and got him to brush. Dad made him dinner and put on his favorite movie. Dad. DAD. DAD! The term "No! Dad do it!" was a regular occurrence in our house for months. And he began to utilize my bed rest to his advantage. I'd ask him to do something and he'd yell "NO!" and run down the hall because he was aware I could not chase him. Damn.

But then I was released to modified bed rest a few weeks ago. That meant that a few times a week I can leave the house for a "sit down" trip. Like a movie, dinner out, the park, etc. I can stand for a short period of time and can do minimal walking. The rest of the time I am sitting with my feet up still. But things could be a little more normal. This little bit of freedom did wonders for my attitude and well being. That much was to be expected. But what I didn't expect was how much of a relief these little freedoms would mean to my 3yr old!

I remember the first time we left the house together to go somewhere. As we drove past a local strip mall, my little boy pointed out each store to see if I remembered it. "Mom! That's the store with the Thomas the Tank Engine! Mom! There's the pet store!". He was so excited to reintroduce me to the outside world! And then little by little he relied on me more. Ahhhh.. heart melting. But this past week or so has been the bees knees for mom! I am actually outranking dad! I get called in the middle of the night. I get to read his bedtime stories. I get to give him baths. And the other day he switched the seating arrangements at the dinner table so that he sits next to ME! Mommy is back!

I have tried not to gloat to my husband... but I'm really bad at it because the truth is that I am ecstatic! My 14yr old has a much better grasp of our situation so he resented my husband and I equally (LOL! But not really....). But the 3yr old was tough. So now it feels amazing to be mommy again and not that lump of baby maker stuck in bed all day! I'm back! I'm back! I'm back!

A Place We Never Thought We'd Be

2010-08-06T12:22:00.001-07:00

Today we reached a milestone we never thought we'd see. We turned 35 weeks pregnant! Additionally, last week the baby dropped. Therefore he is getting ready for delivery. One more week and this little baby, who has had to work so hard to be here, will have full lung development! That means that if he comes after 36 weeks, even though it would still be 4 weeks early, we would be able to bring him home. Home. I know I've tried to explain it but it's surreal to imagine this part of the process. The whole past week or two as we take the little steps to get ready for baby we have done so with such mixed emotions. As healthy as he becomes every day and as close as we are to the finish line, there is still hesitancy to let ourselves go and enjoy this. It's like my husband says, we spent so much time trying to keep baby in that now it's hard to plan for him to come out. It just seems like a foreign idea or that by getting ready we are jinxing it.

I'm having an easier time enjoying these last few weeks of pregnancy. I can feel his movements and can tell which is an elbow, foot, baby bum. I can feel that he's healthy and strong. And therefore I can let go a bit and enjoy being pregnant a bit more. My husband, on the other hand, carries more of the hesitancy and can't quite relax. Since the January death of his father and then our pregnancy roller coaster, loss has been the theme of his year. So he feels he can't really fully enjoy this until his little boy is home, healthy, and in his arms. It's so hard to see him blocked off like that. But it's probably been just as hard for him to see me go through everything I have endured to get this far. This is what marriage is about. the good and the bad. We will love each other through both.

The boys are ready for baby! Our 3yr old asks every day if the baby is moving and loves feeling him roll around. He's fascinated with boobies now as we have been attempting to prep him for mommy breastfeeding! And he wants to share room with the baby right away. Cute. He'll learn. Our 14yr old, on the other hand, is a little grossed out as the baby's movements get bigger but he's excited none the less! He still hasn't decided if he wants to be in the room when the baby is born this time. I think the last time was an eye opening experience ;0)

I have to say I am so grateful to everyone who prayed for us, brought meals, cleaned our house, visited, or just kept us in mind over the past months. We have really come to truly realize what an amazing group of people we have in our lives! This whole experience has been one of the hardest things I have ever endured but it has also been one of the greatest. I really believe that you find your strength in tough times. And we will come out of this stronger and with a beautiful new addition to our family. A reason to celebrate. Which we need this year as we process the loss of my husband's father and now the upcoming passing of my grandfather (who has been fighting cancer and other various issues for almost a year and is an amazing display of strength and stobbornness!). God works in mysterious ways. We don't always agree with His timing and reasons, but I am grateful for His guidance and love. He is the reason I know we will all be okay and the reason we have made it this far.

Naughty Stories

2010-08-02T17:28:00.000-07:00

Before I begin...let me clarify that I'm not talking about THOSE stories you dirty birdies! I'm talking about the collection of stories that every parent has. EVERY parent! Regardless of race, religion, marital status, gender, etc. each parent collects these amazing stories over the life of their child. Unavoidably and even unaware that what they are experiencing will someday turn into the best stories in memory!

I was talking to my best friend this morning. She was at her wits end. The kids (ages 3 & 4)had eaten dog & cat food, dumped water on the floor, smeared toothpaste into the carpet, and broken into the stash of goodies mommy keeps to reward them for being good (ironic right?). My friend had already taken all the toys out of each of their rooms (a tactic I have used several times with my oldest! Toys are priveleges not rights.) and both kids were on time out in their rooms- not that it mattered to them as they continued to run to and from each others rooms whenever mom wasn't watching. What's wrong with these kids? What's wrong with this mom? Nothing. Really, there isn't even anything unusual about this scenario. This is parenthood. These are the stories. Every parent has them and if you are a parent and reading this, there are most likely many flashbacks to your own children playing in your head!

It's hard for first time parents (and my best friend's children are 17 months apart so they are double trouble!) to understand these things are normal. Parents are on a learning curve too. My oldest is 14 and the things we have gone through would make the hairs on your neck stand up- right before you laughed hysterically because after all, they didn't happen to you! I mean, I remember a specific instance where I sat on our bed crying and telling my husband we can't have any more children because we messed this one up so bad! But now that we have the 3yr old, I don't stress as much. I know we'll get through and he'll be fine. So I can collect the little stories and enjoy them.

When I talk about the stories here's what I mean. Have you ever heard a parent, whose child has grown up, say "I remember when she was little. Remember that day she did everything we told her to? It was so great!". Be real. IF someone said that you wouldn't believe it! Here's what real parents sound like, "UGH! When mine was that age she got into my make up and drew all over our freshly painted walls! The red lipstick would not come off the wall and we had to repaint all over again! I thought I was going to kill her!". And yet she still breathes. And that story will be told over and over again. Let's face it. We like to recount all the naughty little things our kids- and even our teens- do! Those stories are relatable and memorable!

The pictures above are the perfect example. This is our 3yr old (I think he was still 2 at the time) who thought it would be neat to get into his diaper powder.... in our bed. BUSTED! And you can tell by the look on his face! Here's the difference between child #1 and child #2. I don't have any pictures to accompany the stories with child #1 because every thing he did felt like the end of my parenting world! But by the time child #2 rolls around you can pause and preserve the memory. The kid will turn out fine. Even if he or she eats dog food! My husband and his borther were big fans of milk bones when they were little. They both made it out alive!

So to mommies and daddies the world over- and to my bestest friend who WILL survive this (the kids on the other hand....) I say take heart! You are in good company the world over for millions of years! You are good parents regardless of what your children do or say. Think of them as Ikea models. They don't come ready made, delivered to your door. Hell! They hardly come with directions at all and it seems like the ones they do have are in another language! You build them over the years and in the end, you sit back and enjoy your work. So collect those stories! And enjoy the fact that you have your sweet angel/demon babies to entertain you!

Excitement- a first in months!

2010-07-29T13:03:00.000-07:00

So last night was a horrible night of sleep. My hips were spreading (although if they spread any more the baby will just fall out!) and I had to pee constantly. But in the midst of all this waking up and falling asleep, I dreamed many dreams. And to my surprise and delight, each of them was about bringing our baby home! This is a welcome change from the standard dreams I have had that are full of fear of the baby coming before he's due and having health issues or not making it all.

The first was that I went into labor at home and it went so fast that the doctor had to deliver in our room! Each other dream was about bringing him home, how big he was, breast feeding, introducing him to our family & friends. All of it was really normal stuff. Normal. There's something we haven't experienced this whole pregnancy.

But as we get closer to the end (a place we didn't prepare for) I think my subconscious is allowing me to feel something I have been scared to feel up until now. Excitement. I literally woke up excited about our baby for the first time this morning! No hesitancy. Just pure excitement! Again, I know it sounds strange to most people that you wouldn't be excited or prepared for a baby until the last few weeks of your pregnancy but our situation didn't lend itself to a lot of joy these past 6 months or so. Fear was our driving factor. So now as we close in on the finish line and things are starting to feel normal we can begin to feel normal feelings associated with the birth of a child!

I feel August will be a great month. Our baby hits 36 weeks and achieves full lung development! Final goal achieved! Also, our 14 yr old, who has been all over the country this summer visiting family, returns to us so he can be here for the birth! And my sister and her family are moving to Washington just in time for baby! It will be the first time in 12 years that we have family living near us and the timing couldn't be better! PLUS when I go into labor my mommy will be flying up from California! She has never missed a single one of her grand children's births. I have missed my mommy this pregnancy. I can't tell you how many times I have just wanted my mommy during this dark and scary time. So it will be so great to finally have her by my side!

I feel that I am getting to a place to finally process everything that has happened to us over the last few months. I feel the need to post a blog about the day that I went to the ER and our lives changed forever. I feel it would be cathartic. I am getting closer to a place where I can put it all in words. This whole situation has been something that I never pictured for us. It was a nightmare that's hard to put into words. But I will try. Soon.

I praise God in all this for bringing us through a really difficult situation. I know He has a plan and we will follow. He has been an awesome provider for us when things have looked their bleakest. I know He gave us this baby to make some major changes in our life that needed to take place. To point us in new directions and refocus us on what is important in life. Our family and our faith.

Holy cow! We're having a baby!

2010-07-27T12:30:00.000-07:00

So obviously we all know I am pregnant. Our whole world has revolved around this pregnancy for the last 33 weeks. But up until now it's been very functional. We haven't been able to daydream, plan, set things up and bring things out of storage. We have been on a day to day and week to week basis just trying to reach one goal or another. All of the normal things that go along with expecting a new baby have been lost on us. It's not to say that I am not grateful. I am grateful and amazed beyond words to have each week. We never thought we'd even make it this far into the pregnancy. We didn't dream about bringing a baby home. We imagined how we would cope with visits to the NICU. And now as the weeks go by and we get closer we are able to breathe a bit. If our baby were to arrive right now it would be a matter of days that he would be in the NICU as opposed to weeks or months. While it's no parent's dream, it's a great relief!

So with so so much of the fear behind us, it's starting to hit me that I'm not just pregnant... I'm having a baby! I know to most people the two are the same. But to those of us who have had a traumatic pregnancy, the two are very separate. My husband and I haven't allowed ourselves to imagine what life will be like when we have our new baby home with us just in case that never happened. And even though I have felt him kick and move for months, it feels different now. I feel more connected to him. I can allow myself to enjoy the movements as opposed to simply feeling relief that he's still alive.

Last night my husband and I went shopping for the first time for the baby. It was surreal to pick out things we will need for him. There was still a hesitancy about it. A fear in the back of my mind that if we set things up and get ready that something will happen. But it felt good. It felt normal. This is what we should be doing! Today we will begin moving things around in our 3yr old's room to make room for his brother. I think that will really make it real for me. When we are creating a space in our home for our newest family member. There will be spaces reserved in drawers and on shelves for our little one as opposed to a pile of baby loot on the dining room table from the baby shower! He will have a room. A space that's his to share with his brother.

And while I know that we need to keep him in at LEAST until 36 weeks...and while I am so excited to finally meet this baby we have sacrificed so much for...I kinda don't want to have him just yet. I feel like I just now found out that I am having a baby and I need to enjoy my pregnancy for the first time! I can finally leave the house and I am enjoying having people ask when I'm due and what the baby's sex is. All the normal things that come along with having a baby. We went to dinner last night and when I slid into the booth I got stuck! My belly was too big! But the learning curve of adjusting to a belly was lost during this ordeal. None the less, it delighted me to not fit into that booth! These are the experiences I should be having. This will be our last baby (unless God creates a miracle that can reverse medical intervention!) so I NEED these last few weeks. To start to celebrate. To start to bond. And to live as though we are having a baby!