The Long and Broken Road

It's been two and a half years since we lost my father in law to suicide.  

That sentence kinda needs a moment to hang in the air.  Because that's where his death remains.  In the air.  It's always there.  Always in the room.  Since my husband has began to process his father's death, I refer to the suicide as the third person in our marriage.  Of all of the things my husband and I have navigated in our 14 years together, this is the hardest.  It's unfix-able.  There's no way to make it go away.  It's just here.  In the air.

Yet as present as it is, the void that my husband feels is vast.  It's so big that he doesn't know how to fill it.  And here I stand, as his wife, tasked for eternity with ridding him of what hurts him, and I can't.  I can't fix this.  I can't explain or kiss it away.  I can't find the way out and I don't have the answers.  That is a helpless feeling when it's my job to make this man happy and heal what hurts him.

Since we met there has been this balance in our relationship.  I am the mouthy, moody, spirited one and he is the mellow one who pats me on the head and brings me back to level.  But since my father in law's death, the balance has shifted.  My husband is now left on the other side of the scale with the mood swings and the short temper and I am clinging to his side of the scale trying to figure out how to keep things mellow and pat him on the head.  It's a shift in balance I'll accept because when we said our vows, I meant them.  For better and for worse.  But I'll admit I'm struggling.

I want to make this better.  I want to get my husband back and sometimes I'm scared that I'll never know that same man.  I know that over the course of our lives together we will inevitably change.  We evolve and we grow.  I understand this.  I was 22 when I met my husband so we obviously have changed with each other over the last 14 years.  But this is different.  This is beyond change.  This is a change in who he is in his spirit.  He is hurt and wounded and I worry that it will stay with him.  That the very spirit of who he is won't be able to find it's way back.  And part of me worries that this change in spirit will lead him down the same road as his father.

Irrational? Maybe.  My husband has promised repeatedly to never hurt us like that.  But what I have learned in the last two and a half years is that people who hurt like this don't always plan an end for years.  They try their absolute hardest to hang on.  They push it down and force their smiles and they love and nurture the hell out of the people around them because they have so much love for them.  But in the end, they can't reconcile that deep down pain and it overwhelms them.

The first year we didn't get to process my father in law's death because we were in survival mode when I had to be on bed rest from 13 weeks pregnant to delivery at 39 weeks.  Then once we had the baby and it looked like things were okay, the baby and I were hit by a drunk driver when he was 4 weeks old.  Four weeks after that I had surgery to have my gall bladder removed.  So for a year I was the reason that my husband couldn't grieve.  I hate that.  So I will do everything that I am able to do to help him now.  I listen when he needs to talk, I give him space when he needs it, I take him to Survivors of Suicide meetings, I have even taken him to a medium so he could speak with his dad.  All of these things have helped.  But none have been the fix.  I don't think there is one.  And that is hard.

I miss my father in law.  I am sad that he won't be physically here to know my children.  I am sad that he missed my brother in law's wedding to his amazing wife last year.  I am sad that he left his wife when she thought they had the rest of their lives together.  I miss his phone calls.  I miss the bond that he had with our oldest son.  I miss his photographs.  I miss his smile.  I miss his hugs.

I am sad that my husband lost his best friend.

I love my husband in ways I can't even put to words.  I am committed to this man for eternity.  He is my heart and soul.  I won't give up on him.  But this is a long and broken road that I don't know how to pave.  I also don't know where this road leads.  But all I can do is trust in God to keep us on the path He has chosen.  We will make our way together.

Coming back from the other side

I know it's been a while since I've posted. I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. As of May 26th my FMLA expired and my employer could no longer hold the job I have been at for 8 years because I am still on bed rest. Since God decided to hijack my life this year and teach me LOTS of lessons, I have never felt so out of control. Control is what I do. I had my first child at 19 and had to grow up and be in control since then. And I've done it well I must say. But I think God saw me doing it a little too well. I don't think I was giving Him the control He needs to properly direct me. But I didn't realize it. I thought we had always had a great balance.

But then March 2nd happened and the rug was pulled out from under me. Everything that was typically within my control, right down to carrying my baby, was now a giant question mark. This uncertainty made me question everything and sent me spiraling into a depression the likes of which I have never experienced. Although I would laugh when friends came over and enjoy their company, the joy that I have always felt inside was gone. There was too much bad happening. I couldn't control if my baby lived or died. I couldn't be a mother to my 2 beautiful boys who were already here. I couldn't provide for my family by working as I always had. I didn't know if we would have money for our mortgage, health insurance, or food in our pantry. I couldn't do the basics like cook dinner, clean the house, grocery shop, or even change a diaper. I couldn't even let myself get closely attached to my unborn baby for fear that he too would be taken away from me. I was stripped of the things that made me- me. I would just cry in bed. Especially the first month, I was only allowed out of bed to shower or use the restroom. If I wanted a glass of water I had to rely on my husband to get it. If I needed my knitting from the bin on the side of my bed, once again I had to call someone in to get it. When I was say I was stripped- I was stripped!

But as time has gone on and I have allowed the Lord to take over the things I wasn't able to control, we have acclimated. We have begun to check things off the list and adjust to our new "normal". But the thought of being unemployed still loomed over me. I mean, let's be real. In this economy unemployed isn't exactly a dream. I don't qualify for unemployment as I am not physically able to work. I don't qualify for disability as you need to be disabled for a year or more and by the time I am able to return to work I will be just a few months shy of that goal. And We don't qualify for state income help because my husband makes $100.00 too much. But in light of all this, God is taking care of us in amazing ways.

Yet despite this, I was full of anxiety as May 26th approached. Our OB appointment that would determine my fate was literally May 26th as well! Talk about cutting it close! And it was determined that I would stay on bed rest due to the Placenta Previa. So I contacted my employer and just like that, I was unemployed. I held my breath waiting for the overwhelming depression to kick in. And I held it, and held it, and held it. And as I waited for the other shoe to drop, for the depression to take over.... the funniest thing happened. I started to feel the joy again. I started to feel HAPPY again. I think that having this big "maybe" hanging over my head was just another source of anxiety and depression and that once it was lifted, once the question was answered, it allowed me to be me again. We knew what direction our lives would take for the first time in 3 months. Not that it's the one we would have preferred but the uncertainty was crushing to me.

And as Little Baby Simon grows each week and we get closer to the goal of a healthy baby (our goal is 36 weeks- reg pregnancy is 40 weeks) the more I can let myself love him and be excited for his arrival. I love watching him move around in my belly and I can daydream about what he will look like and how great it will be to finally hold him. In many ways at this point, he feels like he's already here. Our lives have revolved around him for the last 3.5 months and will continue to do so until he is healthy and home. My bed rest has been lightened in the sense that I can alternate bed and sofa, get up and get myself a cup of tea, and Josh and I even cook together 1-2 times a week. He pulls a chair into the kitchen and we work together. We are finding ways to enjoy our new normal. Even the kids are adjusting. Tieren has stepped up and is learning to be a more active participant in the day to day chores around the house which means I don't always need "sitters" to help me with the kids when Josh is at work. And Kaiden and I are finding things we can safely do together. Lots of art projects and recently we found that balloons make a great way for me to play catch with him in the house from bed or the sofa! I can be more of a mom! And that has given pieces of me back to myself!

I feel like I am coming back from the other side. I still worry about post pardum depression. I really want to enjoy little man when he comes home. But I am learning that I can't control that and we will just cross that bridge when we get to it. For now I need to focus on keeping this baby for the next 13.5 weeks. I would really like to be pregnant at my baby shower! Tieren was so early he came to his shower and I don't want a repeat! I am learning to let go and let God. There is a purpose for this little surprise baby and that purpose must be great!

Secret Baby

Sometimes I feel like I'm having a secret baby. For the first tri-mester we only told our absolute closest friends and immediate family. We felt the need to keep it a secret for the most part until we were out of the first tri-mester due to our history of miscarriage. I had only told my employees a week prior to my trip to the ER. When I did a post to our Facebook family the day after the trip to the ER asking for prayer, there was an outpouring of surprise. Of course we keep everyone updated now through this blog and Facebook so our out of state family can keep up with the growing belly. But when you only leave the house for the rare trip to the doctor, it feels like it's a big secret to the people you interact with on a daily basis. I feel like I'm just gonna pop back up at the store, church, etc. one day with a new baby and everyone will wonder where the heck that came from!

It's really rare to be on bedrest so early. From most books I have read and the fabulous, life saving forum I joined (KeepEmCookin.com) most women are placed on bed rest at the end of their pregnancy and there are quite a few that are placed on bedrest (mostly with cerclage) at about 22+ weeks. But I have been on since I was 13 weeks. If I carry to term (God willing!) I will have spent a total of 27 weeks in my house or almost 7 months! Ugh!

I have made it this far by trying to keep busy doing things from bed or the sofa. But there has been a lot of depression through this experience. Depression is something that runs in both my husband's as well as my family. So I have always successfully avoided depression by looking at the glass as half full (whether it be half full of champagne or sour milk!). But I can't avoid it in this situation. I am in constant fear, worry, and anxiety. My joy has left me even when I am happy. Does that make sense? I simply don't know what's going to happen to me and my baby and no matter how many people tell me I am doing the best I can for my baby and to hang in there because it's all for a good cause (which of course I know!) I just can't shake it. And please, please, please don't tell me how lucky I am to be on bedrest! It's hard watching your kids go to their baseball games, the park, movies, etc. without you. I feel like I am missing a piece of their life. It's hard watching my husband run and run to keep things going. The man never gets a moment to sit! It's hard knowing your friends are all going out but they'll be "thinking of you". There's no way to change any of these things as I know life goes on outside my door. But these are the things that keep mommies down.

And now on Wednesday I will find out if the job I have been at for the past 8 years is a thing of the past. We had our 24 week ultrasound that we had been waiting for to see if the blood pooling in the lining of my uterus had resolved itself and thankfully it had. Baby is healthy and growing ahead of schedule. BUT (at this point we expect the buts) the Placenta Previa that had moved 3 cm off my cervix is now an issue again. As the baby grows the placenta grows and as mine grew it grew, in part, back over a part of my cervix. So at my follow up OB appointment this Wednesday we will find out if I will remain on bedrest. With Placenta Previa still being present we pretty know what the answer will be.

It's devastating to be so far out of control of anything that is happening. But in all of this God has been good and provided in amazing ways. There has to be a plan for me and my secret little baby boy.