My Perfect Marraige

I was raised by a single mom.  A strong and amazing single mom.  I also was never that kid who sat around planning her wedding, perfect husband and how many kids she was going to have.  I had other plans.  So with these things said, I wasn't sure what I expected out of marriage.  I wasn't raised within the boundaries of one.  I didn't dream about what my someday marriage was going to be like.  I just really didn't give it a lot of thought.  All I really remember about my thoughts on marriage was that my mom always told me "When you settle, you get what you settle for".  Those words stuck with me.

So going by my mom's unintentional rule, when I got to the point in my life where I dated I knew that I was going to be me.  I was going to say what I felt and eat what I wanted.  None of this be who he wanted me to be and certainly none of this salad eating giggling girl shit.  I knew I wanted a guy who was excited to see me.  Who thought I was beautiful and let me know it on a daily basis.  I wanted a guy who was devoted to me.  And raising your voice to me was never going to be an option for my man.  Ever.  I wanted a partner.  Not a master.  Cheating would be a deal breaker.  Raising a hand to me would be a deal breaker (and a jaw breaker because I would fuck you up!).  And some day if we had kids, the duties would be 50/50.  No diaper dodging. 

So suffice it to say, prior to my husband, my relationships were short.  No longer than 9months to be exact.  I didn't see it as a failure on my part.  I saw it as a failure on their part.  Because I knew what I wanted and for some reason those particular relationships didn't fit.  No biggie.  I didn't see the purpose in prolonging things if they didn't fit.  Were there tears at the end sometimes?  Sure.  But in the long run there were far fewer than if we dragged it out for the sake of being in that relationship.

Enter my husband.  We met when I was 22 and he was days shy of 28.  I was a strong willed, mouthy single mother of a beautiful 2year old baby.  He was an independent bachelor.  Both of us were about a six pack away form being gay!  Neither of us was looking for someone.  We were on hiatus from love due to the exhaustion caused by previous dating endeavors.  My husband, in his years, had been better in relationships.  He had a couple long and meaningful ones.  Me?  Not so much.  See above.  But there was something there from the first day we met.

Things went slooooooooooow for us.  He slept on my couch for months.  We didn't day I love you for two years!  We dated for six years before getting married.  Much of our concern was for our son.  I remember when we first started dating he looked me square in the eye and told me "If you EVER put me before your son, I'll walk".  To which I let out a hearty guffaw and responded "You won't have to EVER worry about that!".  But that was one of many "Good man flags" he put up while we were dating.  He wanted to make sure that my son was the priority for both of us.

So apparently things went well because we have been together for 13 years and married for 7 of them.  Our friends always tell us how they admire our relationship.  And that goes for those who have lived with us. Day in and day out!  It's not just a show y'all!  So how do we stay so happy?  It's kinda easy.   Here's how I have the perfect marriage.

1) Accept that the perfect marriage doesn't exist- Wait.  What?  Have I read the title of my own blog?  Here's the deal.  Years ago I watched an Oprah show where some guy was talking about how Hollywood is ruining marriage.  He said that we watch these movies about these perfect happy endings to these perfect happy marriages and we assume that's what ours should be like.  So when we get in a lull or have a hard time we automatically think our marriages are broken and we file for divorce instead of accepting that it's a period in time that we will get through.

2) Sometimes you love them, and sometimes you like them- Marriage and relationships have ebbs and flows.  There are times that I look at my husband and I am so deeply and profoundly in love with that man that I could just explode!  Then there are times where I look at him and I just kinda like him like he's my best friend (which he is!).  I don't feel guilty when I'm not falling all over myself with love for him.  Have you ever dated someone who is like that all the time?  It gets old.  So be okay with the ebbs and flows.  It doesn't mean you don't love him just because you like him.

3) Be grateful- I'm so serious about this one.  Show gratitude to your spouse EVERY DAY.  It doesn't have to be a big show with cards and flowers.  I'm talking about a simple "Thanks for doing the dishes babe" or "I'm so glad you were able to take the kids to baseball practice".  The every day things are the foundation to romance.  Who gives a flying fuck about flowers and candy if your partner is only doing it to placate you because he/she doesn't do anything else to support your daily lives?  Take the expectations out of your marriage and insert gratitude.  It works wonders!

4) Let it all hang out!- My husband and I tell each other everything.  But that's not enough in a marriage. you have to be willing to hear everything and accept that you may have a different outlook on things.  Even though you are married, you are still two different people with different opinions.  If I am feeling like the balance in our home has shifted from 50/50 to 60/40 I will tell my husband that I feel this way and why.  Please note that it doesn't mean that it really IS 60/40 or that he let it become 60/40 on purpose.  It just means that's what I'm feeling and we need to fix it.  If I don't communicate about it it becomes a festering resentment inside me.  If I do something I'm not proud of I my husband.  If he has a naughty dream, he tells me.  It's all out there folks!  This is what makes me trust my husband completely and it allows me to admire him more for who he is.  This honesty extends to social media folks.  My husband has all my passwords and I have all his.  I read him my blogs and Tweets.  He knows alllllll about my Twitter life! And he loves me anyway.

5) Sometimes I'm easy & sometimes I'm not- SEX IS IMPORTANT IN MARRIAGE.  It's not just important to HAVE it, it's important to like it!  And once children enter the picture it certainly becomes more about quality than quantity!  My husband and I understand that as parents, our love life revolves around our children.  Sometimes they won't go to sleep.  Sometimes they knock on the door.  Sometimes we have just spent all of our energy chasing after them that we have nothing left to give each other at the end of the day!  So there are some months where we are lucky enough to enjoy each other frequently ans there are other months where we forget what we look like naked.  It's just part of the deal.  It doesn't mean we don't love each other and it doesn't mean we aren't interested in sex with each other.  It just means that for a season in our lives, we may have to sleep more than we fornicate.  But when we DO do the do, we make it count!  Know what your partner likes and be willing to do it (barring anything illegal or immoral.  If it ends up on Dateline you may want to skip it).  Also, since time is precious here folks, let them know what you like.  Take care of you!  And even when you aren't making magic, remember that the important thing to do is to still flirt.  All day long!  It's important to KNOW that even if you can't HAVE sex, that your spouse still WANTS to have sex!  And it's important for your kids to see you being flirtatious and affectionate.  When ever the kids act grossed out by our affection we always say "But your parents are in loooooooove!"

6) SAY "I LOVE YOU"- Never ever assume that your spouse knows this just because you put a ring on it.  I love you needs to be said numerous times a day and every time you leave or hang up the phone.  Your days are NOT guaranteed by any means.  Don't be the woman who says "If I had only told him I loved him".  My husband and I hold true to this- even when we are unhappy with each other.  An angry, pouty "I love you" is better than none at all and it reminds us that despite the disagreement you still love each other.  We don't go to sleep without an "I love you".  We "I love you" the heck out of each other daily, especially around the kids.  "I love you" is a security blanket for each other and your kids.  Make it a habit immediately.

7) Keep it pretty people- Remember when you were dating and you dressed up and made sure your breath was minty and you smelled good?  Well what part of the vows stated that you would only do this on special occasions after the wedding?  You still need to impress your spouse.  America's divorce rate is a testament to this.  We should strive to be the person our spouse wants to come home to.  Look.  I'm fat.  I just went through 23 weeks in bed while pregnant with a 10lb baby, a car accident, & gall bladder surgery all in a year's time.  Working out hasn't been an option (outside of physical therapy).  This takes a toll on your self esteem and make you want to throw your hands up and grab the closest pair of sweats!  But fight that urge!  Each day I shower, do full make up, hair, and perfume.  I may not be the 140lb 20 something he fell in love with but I'm the strong, beautiful, amazing woman he chose to spend forever with so I'm going to make sure I look my best for him!

8) Marry the right person- It goes back to the "When you settle, you get what you settle for" rule my mom instilled in me.  None of the above listed items matter much if you married someone just to marry them and you didn't make sure they are willing to truly share this journey with you.  How many times have you known a couple who didn't discuss whether they want children or not until after they are married?  And how many couples have you known that weren't on the same page sexually and it had negative effects on their marriage?  Did your spouse expect you to stop being who you were once you "settled down"?  These are good things to know prior to the wedding.  Don't marry just to be married!  Forever is a long ass time!  Be sure the person you walk down the aisle with is not the one you are settling for.

Now I know that some of you may read this and roll your eyes.  Maybe you are divorced and your marriage WAS happy for a really long time until some unforeseen shit hit the fan.  I'm not by any mean daring to presume that this is the secret marriage formula that has been missing for millions of years until my husband and I discovered it.  Not at all.  I'm stating that this is the formula that has worked for my husband and our family.  I love this man.  I admire this man.  I am grateful for him and I want to be better for him, myself, and our children as a result of our marriage.  To us our marriage is perfect.  This family is the love of my life and I will continue the work and do what it takes to protect it.  Who knows that the future holds.  Who knows how long we actually have.  But for now I am proud of what we have built and I thank God every day for it.

Relax. It's just parenting.

I used to be a helicopter.  I mean a full on hovering war craft looming over my kids and prepped for battle in the event that something were to happen or if they even started to make a bad decision.  I was going to swoop in guns a blazing and stop it from happening!  To some extent I still hang on to some of those helicopter mentalities.  But for the most part I now realize that being this type of parent doesn't benefit your kids.  It actually does more harm than good.  The change in me came with a series of classes I took at church.  It was "Parenting with Love & Logic".  I highly recommend the DVD, Books, or classes if you have the chance!  It changed who I was as a parent and the relationship I was on the verge of ruining with my (at the time) pre-teen.

The class taught me that my kids weren't the first kids ever.  Funny right?  But isn't that how we treat them?  Like kids have never been invented.  Like they've never survived without our constant watch for 18 years.  And one of the points that the instructor brought up was that we trust our dogs to learn our commands and use them more than we trust our kids.  Think about that one.  Mind.  Blown.  It also pointed out that I needed to get over myself because I was not the first parent ever.  I wasn't the one who discovered parenting and I will never be the best at it!  That's not an insult people.  It's a truth.

Parenting also is not a dictatorship.  It's a partnership with your children.  Specifically in the teen years.  If we hover over them and don't allow them to learn decision making they become failures in the real world.  It's best to allow them to make decisions and take responsibility for bad ones while they are still under our "direction" than when they are adults and there is no one (other than their parole officer) to guide them.  The class touched on lessons like not running lunch or homework to your child's class when they forget it.  In the real world if you forget, you deal with it until the next day, you learn from it and you don't do it again.  It taught bigger lessons like letting your child sit in a jail cell when they are teens and they get caught doing things like shop lifting or drinking.  The lessons have to hurt.  Sure it's hard for us too.  But better a hard lesson now than a permanent scar on their record later.

These classes changed who I was as a parent.  Which is good but also challenging.  It's good because my relationship with my teen is a good one.  He knows we will be there to talk his bad decisions out not hover over him yelling without giving him the chance to speak.  Think about it.  In the real world if you make a big mistake at work, do they bring you into a room, surround you by your bosses, scream at you, take away your computer, and tell you you're a bad person?  Hopefully not!  It's more likely that they'll bring you in a room, discuss the transgression, and either hold you accountable (via termination, write up, etc.,) or create a game plan to avoid the error in the future.  So which style of parenting prepares your teen for real world scenarios?  We have chosen discussion, action plans, & apologies.  Teaching our teen to talk things out and express their reasoning prepares them for the real world when they may have to do the same with a professor, employer, or cop.  This has reduced the amount of fights in our house but raised some eyebrows with people near us.  We get it.  People still like to scream at their kids.  They like to feel like they are in charge.  Great.  If that works for you, do it.  But this is our family and this is how we've chosen to do it.

For our younger children, many of the lessons are the same but the delivery and the scale is different.  Some of the examples in the class for younger kids include picking your battles.  Like if it's freezing out and your child is insistent on not wearing a coat (classic power struggle right?!) then simply say "Okay" and take it along in case they change their minds.  What are the chances that they will die of hypothermia that day? Slim to none.  But what are the chances that they will learn that a jacket is an excellent choice on a cold day and decide to wear one moving forward?  Sharing the decision making on small things reduces the amount of stress in your life and allows your child to learn how to care for themselves and make the right choices.  This is what our job is right?

Our house a co-op.  We all make choices and share decisions.  This has greatly reduced our need to fight.  We like it this way and we feel it's beneficial to our children.  We have the understanding that our kids are going to make bad decisions some times.  Our kids are going to say naughty things sometimes.  Our kids are going to get curious about boobs in their teen years.  Our kids may get caught cheating in class.   Our kids may be brought home by the police at some point in their adolescent life.  Our kids may bite another kid.  Our kids may break things.  Our kids may not always like us.  They aren't the first kids ever.  Kids have done this (and worse) for millions of years.  Does it still hurt us as parents when they make the wrong choice?  You bet!  There's no escaping that!  But we have to understand that it's a part of their process.  We did the same things or different things when we were kids.  And so it continues. 

This is what we signed up for parents.  There isn't a single parent in the world who hasn't had to face bad behavior.  This is literally the job folks.  And we need to be respectful about the job and humbled by the work.  Don't judge your fellow parents because they choose to lead their families differently.  Don't side eye that lady at Walmart (raises hand) giving her kids what for in the parking lot.  As long as we are guiding our children into the right decisions and holding them accountable for their actions that's what counts.  And if you haven't been there yet, hold your tongue.  Karma's a bitch.  Don't judge the struggles of teen parents if you haven't had a teen yet.  And don't tell a toddler mom she's doing it wrong when your baby is still in diapers.  You are not exempt.  It WILL happen to you!  Have respect for the work other parents are doing for their families.

Am we perfect parents?  HA!  Not close!  I'm the lady losing her cool some days in the Walmart parking lot.  I'm the lady letting my kids stay up past bed time simply because I missed them a little extra at work that day.  I'm the lady who has been known to drop an F bomb or two in front of the kids in traffic.  But I'm also the lady God chose to turn these boys into men.  Good men who make good choices.  my husband is the man that God chose to guide them and lead by his character.  God did this.  God knew what he was doing.  So even when it's hard, even when it's ugly, even when you're overwhelmed by this job, just remember: Relax.  It's just parenting.

Coming back from the other side

I know it's been a while since I've posted. I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. As of May 26th my FMLA expired and my employer could no longer hold the job I have been at for 8 years because I am still on bed rest. Since God decided to hijack my life this year and teach me LOTS of lessons, I have never felt so out of control. Control is what I do. I had my first child at 19 and had to grow up and be in control since then. And I've done it well I must say. But I think God saw me doing it a little too well. I don't think I was giving Him the control He needs to properly direct me. But I didn't realize it. I thought we had always had a great balance.

But then March 2nd happened and the rug was pulled out from under me. Everything that was typically within my control, right down to carrying my baby, was now a giant question mark. This uncertainty made me question everything and sent me spiraling into a depression the likes of which I have never experienced. Although I would laugh when friends came over and enjoy their company, the joy that I have always felt inside was gone. There was too much bad happening. I couldn't control if my baby lived or died. I couldn't be a mother to my 2 beautiful boys who were already here. I couldn't provide for my family by working as I always had. I didn't know if we would have money for our mortgage, health insurance, or food in our pantry. I couldn't do the basics like cook dinner, clean the house, grocery shop, or even change a diaper. I couldn't even let myself get closely attached to my unborn baby for fear that he too would be taken away from me. I was stripped of the things that made me- me. I would just cry in bed. Especially the first month, I was only allowed out of bed to shower or use the restroom. If I wanted a glass of water I had to rely on my husband to get it. If I needed my knitting from the bin on the side of my bed, once again I had to call someone in to get it. When I was say I was stripped- I was stripped!

But as time has gone on and I have allowed the Lord to take over the things I wasn't able to control, we have acclimated. We have begun to check things off the list and adjust to our new "normal". But the thought of being unemployed still loomed over me. I mean, let's be real. In this economy unemployed isn't exactly a dream. I don't qualify for unemployment as I am not physically able to work. I don't qualify for disability as you need to be disabled for a year or more and by the time I am able to return to work I will be just a few months shy of that goal. And We don't qualify for state income help because my husband makes $100.00 too much. But in light of all this, God is taking care of us in amazing ways.

Yet despite this, I was full of anxiety as May 26th approached. Our OB appointment that would determine my fate was literally May 26th as well! Talk about cutting it close! And it was determined that I would stay on bed rest due to the Placenta Previa. So I contacted my employer and just like that, I was unemployed. I held my breath waiting for the overwhelming depression to kick in. And I held it, and held it, and held it. And as I waited for the other shoe to drop, for the depression to take over.... the funniest thing happened. I started to feel the joy again. I started to feel HAPPY again. I think that having this big "maybe" hanging over my head was just another source of anxiety and depression and that once it was lifted, once the question was answered, it allowed me to be me again. We knew what direction our lives would take for the first time in 3 months. Not that it's the one we would have preferred but the uncertainty was crushing to me.

And as Little Baby Simon grows each week and we get closer to the goal of a healthy baby (our goal is 36 weeks- reg pregnancy is 40 weeks) the more I can let myself love him and be excited for his arrival. I love watching him move around in my belly and I can daydream about what he will look like and how great it will be to finally hold him. In many ways at this point, he feels like he's already here. Our lives have revolved around him for the last 3.5 months and will continue to do so until he is healthy and home. My bed rest has been lightened in the sense that I can alternate bed and sofa, get up and get myself a cup of tea, and Josh and I even cook together 1-2 times a week. He pulls a chair into the kitchen and we work together. We are finding ways to enjoy our new normal. Even the kids are adjusting. Tieren has stepped up and is learning to be a more active participant in the day to day chores around the house which means I don't always need "sitters" to help me with the kids when Josh is at work. And Kaiden and I are finding things we can safely do together. Lots of art projects and recently we found that balloons make a great way for me to play catch with him in the house from bed or the sofa! I can be more of a mom! And that has given pieces of me back to myself!

I feel like I am coming back from the other side. I still worry about post pardum depression. I really want to enjoy little man when he comes home. But I am learning that I can't control that and we will just cross that bridge when we get to it. For now I need to focus on keeping this baby for the next 13.5 weeks. I would really like to be pregnant at my baby shower! Tieren was so early he came to his shower and I don't want a repeat! I am learning to let go and let God. There is a purpose for this little surprise baby and that purpose must be great!