Your mama's no saint kid.

The other day I was yelling at the kids.  No really.  True story.  Take a journey with me if you will.  The 15 year old was fighting with the 4 year old- AGAIN.  This all started when I selfishly stepped into a shower. 

First rule of baby fight club: Always throw the smack down when mom is on the toilet or in the shower.  This makes for optimal fight response.

So I come out of the bathroom still dripping wet (trust me it's not as hot as you think) and mad as Hell.  "What are you fighting about NOW?!"
The answer was the usual "He never listens to me!"
"He was being mean!"
"He looked at me funny!"
"He hurt my feelings!"
Blah,blah,blah.
Followed by me begging them to explain what on Earth two kids 11 years apart in age can possibly have to fight about!  Why can't they just get along?  Do they like fighting?  Why can't they speak kindly to each other? Why?  WHY?  WHYYYYYYYYYY?????
In my defense, this was the morning after the baby's 1st birthday BBQ and I hadn't had coffee yet.  So I was begging.  BEGGING to know why this continued to happen every time I stepped into the shower.

Second rule of baby fight club: No one talks.  The less you say, the more that vein on mom's head throbs.

We're now at the point where neither kid will speak.  That's infuriating!  So I ask the oldest, as he glares at me, "Why are you so mad at him?  He's FOUR!"

Then the response comes.

"I'm not mad at him.  I'm mad at you"
WWWWWWWWTTTTTTTTTTTFFFFFFFFFFFFFF?!?!?!?!?!
"Mad at me?!  WHY?"
"Because you always yell."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

Third rule of baby fight club:  Deny.  Deny.  Deny.  It's NEVER your fault.  It's always the parents' fault.  This rule carries into the teen years.

I then launch into the old "I only yell because you don't listen" diatribe.  But later I sat and stewed on this moment.  What on Earth makes our children think that we are these mommy robots who will willingly accept the fight and let them have at it without repercussions because this is what we signed up for.  Are we not allowed to shower?  Are we not allowed to sit alone in a bathroom for 5 minutes to do our business.  Like the title "Mom" erased those rights for us?

Parents aren't perfect.  We don't enter into parenthood perfect and we certainly don't achieve any level of sainthood as we navigate our way through the child rearing process.  But our children are still thrown off when we have human moments like losing it when they fight. 

Moms and Dads make bad decisions, swear, yell, etc. every day.  Because we're people too.  We use the bathroom and we shower too.  So it's about time you get used to that!  We cut you slack all the time so try and give us a bit of slack from time to time too.  We aren't mommy & daddy robots.  We have a history and a story.  We fought with our siblings and made bad choices too.  So we know a thing or two about the business of childhood.

Final rule of baby fight club:  Never underestimate mom and dad.  They have a crazy look in their eye and something tells me they won't go down without a fight.

Relax. It's just parenting.

I used to be a helicopter.  I mean a full on hovering war craft looming over my kids and prepped for battle in the event that something were to happen or if they even started to make a bad decision.  I was going to swoop in guns a blazing and stop it from happening!  To some extent I still hang on to some of those helicopter mentalities.  But for the most part I now realize that being this type of parent doesn't benefit your kids.  It actually does more harm than good.  The change in me came with a series of classes I took at church.  It was "Parenting with Love & Logic".  I highly recommend the DVD, Books, or classes if you have the chance!  It changed who I was as a parent and the relationship I was on the verge of ruining with my (at the time) pre-teen.

The class taught me that my kids weren't the first kids ever.  Funny right?  But isn't that how we treat them?  Like kids have never been invented.  Like they've never survived without our constant watch for 18 years.  And one of the points that the instructor brought up was that we trust our dogs to learn our commands and use them more than we trust our kids.  Think about that one.  Mind.  Blown.  It also pointed out that I needed to get over myself because I was not the first parent ever.  I wasn't the one who discovered parenting and I will never be the best at it!  That's not an insult people.  It's a truth.

Parenting also is not a dictatorship.  It's a partnership with your children.  Specifically in the teen years.  If we hover over them and don't allow them to learn decision making they become failures in the real world.  It's best to allow them to make decisions and take responsibility for bad ones while they are still under our "direction" than when they are adults and there is no one (other than their parole officer) to guide them.  The class touched on lessons like not running lunch or homework to your child's class when they forget it.  In the real world if you forget, you deal with it until the next day, you learn from it and you don't do it again.  It taught bigger lessons like letting your child sit in a jail cell when they are teens and they get caught doing things like shop lifting or drinking.  The lessons have to hurt.  Sure it's hard for us too.  But better a hard lesson now than a permanent scar on their record later.

These classes changed who I was as a parent.  Which is good but also challenging.  It's good because my relationship with my teen is a good one.  He knows we will be there to talk his bad decisions out not hover over him yelling without giving him the chance to speak.  Think about it.  In the real world if you make a big mistake at work, do they bring you into a room, surround you by your bosses, scream at you, take away your computer, and tell you you're a bad person?  Hopefully not!  It's more likely that they'll bring you in a room, discuss the transgression, and either hold you accountable (via termination, write up, etc.,) or create a game plan to avoid the error in the future.  So which style of parenting prepares your teen for real world scenarios?  We have chosen discussion, action plans, & apologies.  Teaching our teen to talk things out and express their reasoning prepares them for the real world when they may have to do the same with a professor, employer, or cop.  This has reduced the amount of fights in our house but raised some eyebrows with people near us.  We get it.  People still like to scream at their kids.  They like to feel like they are in charge.  Great.  If that works for you, do it.  But this is our family and this is how we've chosen to do it.

For our younger children, many of the lessons are the same but the delivery and the scale is different.  Some of the examples in the class for younger kids include picking your battles.  Like if it's freezing out and your child is insistent on not wearing a coat (classic power struggle right?!) then simply say "Okay" and take it along in case they change their minds.  What are the chances that they will die of hypothermia that day? Slim to none.  But what are the chances that they will learn that a jacket is an excellent choice on a cold day and decide to wear one moving forward?  Sharing the decision making on small things reduces the amount of stress in your life and allows your child to learn how to care for themselves and make the right choices.  This is what our job is right?

Our house a co-op.  We all make choices and share decisions.  This has greatly reduced our need to fight.  We like it this way and we feel it's beneficial to our children.  We have the understanding that our kids are going to make bad decisions some times.  Our kids are going to say naughty things sometimes.  Our kids are going to get curious about boobs in their teen years.  Our kids may get caught cheating in class.   Our kids may be brought home by the police at some point in their adolescent life.  Our kids may bite another kid.  Our kids may break things.  Our kids may not always like us.  They aren't the first kids ever.  Kids have done this (and worse) for millions of years.  Does it still hurt us as parents when they make the wrong choice?  You bet!  There's no escaping that!  But we have to understand that it's a part of their process.  We did the same things or different things when we were kids.  And so it continues. 

This is what we signed up for parents.  There isn't a single parent in the world who hasn't had to face bad behavior.  This is literally the job folks.  And we need to be respectful about the job and humbled by the work.  Don't judge your fellow parents because they choose to lead their families differently.  Don't side eye that lady at Walmart (raises hand) giving her kids what for in the parking lot.  As long as we are guiding our children into the right decisions and holding them accountable for their actions that's what counts.  And if you haven't been there yet, hold your tongue.  Karma's a bitch.  Don't judge the struggles of teen parents if you haven't had a teen yet.  And don't tell a toddler mom she's doing it wrong when your baby is still in diapers.  You are not exempt.  It WILL happen to you!  Have respect for the work other parents are doing for their families.

Am we perfect parents?  HA!  Not close!  I'm the lady losing her cool some days in the Walmart parking lot.  I'm the lady letting my kids stay up past bed time simply because I missed them a little extra at work that day.  I'm the lady who has been known to drop an F bomb or two in front of the kids in traffic.  But I'm also the lady God chose to turn these boys into men.  Good men who make good choices.  my husband is the man that God chose to guide them and lead by his character.  God did this.  God knew what he was doing.  So even when it's hard, even when it's ugly, even when you're overwhelmed by this job, just remember: Relax.  It's just parenting.

Queen For A Day

Yesterday was Father's Day. My husband had to work so the kids and I spent the day cleaning, shopping, filling out cards, and wrapping the hand made gifts we had made for our hero- DAD! When my husband got home we presented his favorite meal, he opened cards & gifts, and we played baord games. It was a great Father's Day for my hubby!

But I couldn't help but think of that episode of The Middle where it shows the REAL difference between Mother's Day & Fathher's Day. On Mother's Day mom doesn't get to sleep in (the kids need her), breafast in bed is a sloppy mess (as is the kitchen but don't worry- mom will clean it), the kids still fight, the dog still barks, dad still watches the game. But there's cards and gifts and that makes it Mother's Day.

Father's Day on the other hand is usually a day of relaxation and adoration for the man who heads our house hold. Why does he get this peace & relaxation? Because mom is there to plan Father's Day!

Don't get me wrong. My husband is a shining example of husbandry and works diligently to ensure Mother's Day is better than the average day at our house. But there is a difference between the two days that is noticable. For sure.

Therefore today I told my husband I needed a break. And I took one. My husband always encourages me to take time to myself but I end up filling my days with kids, housework, and all the other things that "can't wait". So really It's my fault that I never get the time I desprately want. Isn't that what we do as moms? Come on. You know you're guilty too! We all talk about wanting a day- just one freakin' day- to ourselves. But do we even know what that day looks like? Here's a few things that would make a nice day for this mom if i were Queen For A Day:

1)I'd only say things once. All day. Not a single repeat.
2) I'd go to the bathroom without a single inturruption. With the door closed!
3) I'd be the first person to eat at dinner and my food would still be warm.
4) I'd go grocery shopping without the kids and it would take a mere fraction of the time!
5) No one would whine at me all day. Not a single teen, toddler, baby, husband or pet. ALL day.
6) I'd get a paycheck for the work I do as a stay at home mom. And it would have lots of zeros on it ;0)
7) I'd sleep a full 8 hours in a bed that is only occupied by myself and my husband and I'd wake up whenever my body felt like it.
8) I'd go to the gym without packing up 4 other people, checking them into child care, and then I'd work out as long as I want- not until my time limit was up in the day care. Then I'd sit in the steam room without looking at my watch.
9) The only crying that would take place would be me- crying as I watch a chick flick of my choice.
10) I'd take a nice walk with my family- and no one's leg would fall off, no one would die of exhaustion, and no one would need a drink of water.
11) The only ass I would be responsible for cleaning would be my own.
12) My teen would kiss me in public and declare his love for me (Okay. That one may just be a pipe dream).
13) I'd go on a date with my husband where we'd have energy to see the late showing of the movie and then still "stay up" when we got home.
14) My car would stay clean on the inside all day.
15) All 3 of the kids would take a two hour nap in the middle of the day so I could sit on the back deck and write.

These are the plain and simple ways this mom would be happy. There's nothing fancy like "Dwayne The Rock Johnson would apply my lotion after my shower" although I'm willing to re-work the list if you think we can work that in. The list is just simple little things I dream of each day. But alas, as a mom I have forfeited these items into the world of parenthood.

I love my life more than words can express. But the life of a mom is a different one. A complicated one. A selfless and exhasting one. And I wouldn't have it any other way. But a girl can dream right? So what's on your list if you were Queen For A Day?

My Funny Valentines

I remember when I was growing up and in school, Valentine’s Day was this holiday that girls looked forward to each year. This was your boyfriend's big chance to declare his undying love (or like) for you in front of everyone. Surely he would have roses delivered and balloons on hand so you could walk around being the envy of all of the other girls. This was more of a competition than a show of actual romance.

I don't quite remember if I fell prey to this whole charade. To my memory I think that I only ever had one boyfriend who did the whole balloon & flower things at school. I think I was more into getting my girlfriends flowers and gifts to show my appreciation for their day to day support and friendship. Remember the student body rose sales where you could have a rose delivered to your friend or lover's classroom? Anyhew, that was more my style.

So it may not be surprising to hear that I'm not the kind of wife that expects elaborate shows of affection on Valentine's Day. I don't want jewelry, or flowers, or balloons. I'm more of a big dinner WITH the kids type of girl.

To me, the best thing my husband can do for me on Valentine's Day is to celebrate our love as a family. These three little boys we made are the best gift we could ever give each other. They are hands down the funniest, sweetest, most incredible things to ever walk into our lives. So I can't imagine getting a sitter and leaving the loves of our lives at home while we go out and have a dinner with each other where we would just end up talking about the kids anyway!

No, for us staying at home and doing a cute family oriented dinner and card exchange is gold! My husband is my soul mate and therefore I am looking forward to having the rest of my life to make goo goo eyes at him across the table at some dark and crowded restaurant. But there are just a handful of precious years where our boys will openly accept our invitation to be our Valentines.

And I am especially in love with this family after the year we had last year. These boys were the reason I stayed strong. They kept me company, loved me, cared for me, cooked for me, made me laugh, put up with me (let's be honest!), and gave me a reason to wake up each day. I appreciate them more than ever for it.

So these boys, these funny little boys and my amazing husband are all the Valentine I need. They are the loves of my life. They are my roses. My balloons. And they are the best gifts I could receive any day of the year!

Naughty Stories

Before I begin...let me clarify that I'm not talking about THOSE stories you dirty birdies! I'm talking about the collection of stories that every parent has. EVERY parent! Regardless of race, religion, marital status, gender, etc. each parent collects these amazing stories over the life of their child. Unavoidably and even unaware that what they are experiencing will someday turn into the best stories in memory!

I was talking to my best friend this morning. She was at her wits end. The kids (ages 3 & 4)had eaten dog & cat food, dumped water on the floor, smeared toothpaste into the carpet, and broken into the stash of goodies mommy keeps to reward them for being good (ironic right?). My friend had already taken all the toys out of each of their rooms (a tactic I have used several times with my oldest! Toys are priveleges not rights.) and both kids were on time out in their rooms- not that it mattered to them as they continued to run to and from each others rooms whenever mom wasn't watching. What's wrong with these kids? What's wrong with this mom? Nothing. Really, there isn't even anything unusual about this scenario. This is parenthood. These are the stories. Every parent has them and if you are a parent and reading this, there are most likely many flashbacks to your own children playing in your head!

It's hard for first time parents (and my best friend's children are 17 months apart so they are double trouble!) to understand these things are normal. Parents are on a learning curve too. My oldest is 14 and the things we have gone through would make the hairs on your neck stand up- right before you laughed hysterically because after all, they didn't happen to you! I mean, I remember a specific instance where I sat on our bed crying and telling my husband we can't have any more children because we messed this one up so bad! But now that we have the 3yr old, I don't stress as much. I know we'll get through and he'll be fine. So I can collect the little stories and enjoy them.

When I talk about the stories here's what I mean. Have you ever heard a parent, whose child has grown up, say "I remember when she was little. Remember that day she did everything we told her to? It was so great!". Be real. IF someone said that you wouldn't believe it! Here's what real parents sound like, "UGH! When mine was that age she got into my make up and drew all over our freshly painted walls! The red lipstick would not come off the wall and we had to repaint all over again! I thought I was going to kill her!". And yet she still breathes. And that story will be told over and over again. Let's face it. We like to recount all the naughty little things our kids- and even our teens- do! Those stories are relatable and memorable!

The pictures above are the perfect example. This is our 3yr old (I think he was still 2 at the time) who thought it would be neat to get into his diaper powder.... in our bed. BUSTED! And you can tell by the look on his face! Here's the difference between child #1 and child #2. I don't have any pictures to accompany the stories with child #1 because every thing he did felt like the end of my parenting world! But by the time child #2 rolls around you can pause and preserve the memory. The kid will turn out fine. Even if he or she eats dog food! My husband and his borther were big fans of milk bones when they were little. They both made it out alive!

So to mommies and daddies the world over- and to my bestest friend who WILL survive this (the kids on the other hand....) I say take heart! You are in good company the world over for millions of years! You are good parents regardless of what your children do or say. Think of them as Ikea models. They don't come ready made, delivered to your door. Hell! They hardly come with directions at all and it seems like the ones they do have are in another language! You build them over the years and in the end, you sit back and enjoy your work. So collect those stories! And enjoy the fact that you have your sweet angel/demon babies to entertain you!