The Bear Hug

My baby wears a leash.
Only, we call it the Bear Hug.
Don't judge.

I have raised three boys.  3.  I'm not new to this.  The first boy I resisted the urge to use the Bear Hug because I, like so many, had strong opinions about it.  I also had two free hands and only one boy.  So when he slipped away and ran into traffic it had my full attention.  By the time I had my second boy, I started to run short on hands and attention.  So we got the Bear Hug.  And we loved it!  Now we are on our third boy and our relationship had moved beyond love to utter appreciation.

The fourth of July was the first time we brought out the Bear Hug for our 3rd boy.  He was almost 2 years old at the time and we were attending a large festival in our city.  Anyone who has ever pushed a stroller is well aware that people in crowds DO NOT move out of the way of a stroller and make no consideration for families with strollers.  In a crowd it's just every man for himself.  So we chose to use the Bear Hug.

I wish you could have seen our little boy!  Oh the taste of freedom!  He just couldn't believe his luck!  He spent the day with a huge grin plastered across his face and running through the crowd with his arms out to the side like an airplane!  He was in heaven!

BUT- you should have seen people's reactions to my child and his leash.  You would have thought I had handed him a bottle of gin and a smoke and sent him into the crowd.  People literally pointed and stared.  Meanwhile, other people sat in the crowd on their blankets smoking within feet of other peoples' children and that was okay.  But me and my safety leash- oh nooooo!  The horror!

About half way through the day my leash was justified in the saddest way.  As my toddler ran and tugged and pulled me though the crowd, we passed a mother with four children (age baby to about 8) and she was talking to the police.  Her children were crying and she was visibly distressed.  She had lost her 5th child and was working with the police to find him or her.  I said a quick prayer for her.  I hope I never know that feeling.  But that moment solidified my love for the bear hug.

The same people that judge you for using the leash are the ones that will also judge you for "letting" your child get lost or hit by a car.  The reality is that some kids will stay by your side and never think about stepping away from you.  Good for those families.  The other reality is that some kids have a spirit that takes them beyond their parents reach- literally.  I've raised both kinds of children.

So I will strap my kid in and let him wear his Bear Hug all day long!  The freedom makes him happy and the safety makes me happy.  I know this is a hot topic for families (and even people without kids) but I think it really boils down to what a parent feels is right in order to keep their children safe.  And safety for my boys comes in the form of a Bear Hug!

Mommies Don't Poop

OOOOOOOOOOH the exhaustion of motherhood.  And we're all in the same boat.  You now it well.  Here is who you have become ladies.  Yes.  It's true.  According to our kids, the following no longer need to occur because we pushed a person out of our vaginas.





1) Mommy's don't poop. This has to be true because out kids certainly don't see the need for us to go to the bathroom anymore and when we do we clearly need their supervision.



2) Mommies don't stink. We are fresh and clean all day and no longer require a shower. If we dare to take one, the shower alarm goes off. It sounds oddly similar to our children screaming & fighting.



3) Mommies don't need dates. Mom and dad (or mom & mom or dad & dad or mom & boyfriend- you get my drift) love being at home covered in poop & boogers and staying home on a Saturday night. Why on Earth would we need to talk to other grown ups, dress up nice, eat foods that weren't coated in cheese or fried, or watch a movie without a "P" or "G" in the rating?



4) Mommies don't have sex. We enjoy being pent up. Oh- and babies come from the baby factory. Not from sex.



5) Mommies don't need sleep. Sleep is for babies! With enough Red Bull & Coffee mom will be fine.



6) Mommies don't need warm food, or food at all- Who's the last to the table? Mom. Who's barely getting a bite in their mouths between feeding baby, refilling drinks, cleaning up spills, & breaking up fights? Mom. If we get to clear our plates our food will be ice cold. We like it that way. Ask our kids.

The list is probably longer but I haven't had any sleep and I barely had breakfast so my brain is a little cloudy. But I'll be fine. Just ask my kids.

Relax. It's just parenting.

I used to be a helicopter.  I mean a full on hovering war craft looming over my kids and prepped for battle in the event that something were to happen or if they even started to make a bad decision.  I was going to swoop in guns a blazing and stop it from happening!  To some extent I still hang on to some of those helicopter mentalities.  But for the most part I now realize that being this type of parent doesn't benefit your kids.  It actually does more harm than good.  The change in me came with a series of classes I took at church.  It was "Parenting with Love & Logic".  I highly recommend the DVD, Books, or classes if you have the chance!  It changed who I was as a parent and the relationship I was on the verge of ruining with my (at the time) pre-teen.

The class taught me that my kids weren't the first kids ever.  Funny right?  But isn't that how we treat them?  Like kids have never been invented.  Like they've never survived without our constant watch for 18 years.  And one of the points that the instructor brought up was that we trust our dogs to learn our commands and use them more than we trust our kids.  Think about that one.  Mind.  Blown.  It also pointed out that I needed to get over myself because I was not the first parent ever.  I wasn't the one who discovered parenting and I will never be the best at it!  That's not an insult people.  It's a truth.

Parenting also is not a dictatorship.  It's a partnership with your children.  Specifically in the teen years.  If we hover over them and don't allow them to learn decision making they become failures in the real world.  It's best to allow them to make decisions and take responsibility for bad ones while they are still under our "direction" than when they are adults and there is no one (other than their parole officer) to guide them.  The class touched on lessons like not running lunch or homework to your child's class when they forget it.  In the real world if you forget, you deal with it until the next day, you learn from it and you don't do it again.  It taught bigger lessons like letting your child sit in a jail cell when they are teens and they get caught doing things like shop lifting or drinking.  The lessons have to hurt.  Sure it's hard for us too.  But better a hard lesson now than a permanent scar on their record later.

These classes changed who I was as a parent.  Which is good but also challenging.  It's good because my relationship with my teen is a good one.  He knows we will be there to talk his bad decisions out not hover over him yelling without giving him the chance to speak.  Think about it.  In the real world if you make a big mistake at work, do they bring you into a room, surround you by your bosses, scream at you, take away your computer, and tell you you're a bad person?  Hopefully not!  It's more likely that they'll bring you in a room, discuss the transgression, and either hold you accountable (via termination, write up, etc.,) or create a game plan to avoid the error in the future.  So which style of parenting prepares your teen for real world scenarios?  We have chosen discussion, action plans, & apologies.  Teaching our teen to talk things out and express their reasoning prepares them for the real world when they may have to do the same with a professor, employer, or cop.  This has reduced the amount of fights in our house but raised some eyebrows with people near us.  We get it.  People still like to scream at their kids.  They like to feel like they are in charge.  Great.  If that works for you, do it.  But this is our family and this is how we've chosen to do it.

For our younger children, many of the lessons are the same but the delivery and the scale is different.  Some of the examples in the class for younger kids include picking your battles.  Like if it's freezing out and your child is insistent on not wearing a coat (classic power struggle right?!) then simply say "Okay" and take it along in case they change their minds.  What are the chances that they will die of hypothermia that day? Slim to none.  But what are the chances that they will learn that a jacket is an excellent choice on a cold day and decide to wear one moving forward?  Sharing the decision making on small things reduces the amount of stress in your life and allows your child to learn how to care for themselves and make the right choices.  This is what our job is right?

Our house a co-op.  We all make choices and share decisions.  This has greatly reduced our need to fight.  We like it this way and we feel it's beneficial to our children.  We have the understanding that our kids are going to make bad decisions some times.  Our kids are going to say naughty things sometimes.  Our kids are going to get curious about boobs in their teen years.  Our kids may get caught cheating in class.   Our kids may be brought home by the police at some point in their adolescent life.  Our kids may bite another kid.  Our kids may break things.  Our kids may not always like us.  They aren't the first kids ever.  Kids have done this (and worse) for millions of years.  Does it still hurt us as parents when they make the wrong choice?  You bet!  There's no escaping that!  But we have to understand that it's a part of their process.  We did the same things or different things when we were kids.  And so it continues. 

This is what we signed up for parents.  There isn't a single parent in the world who hasn't had to face bad behavior.  This is literally the job folks.  And we need to be respectful about the job and humbled by the work.  Don't judge your fellow parents because they choose to lead their families differently.  Don't side eye that lady at Walmart (raises hand) giving her kids what for in the parking lot.  As long as we are guiding our children into the right decisions and holding them accountable for their actions that's what counts.  And if you haven't been there yet, hold your tongue.  Karma's a bitch.  Don't judge the struggles of teen parents if you haven't had a teen yet.  And don't tell a toddler mom she's doing it wrong when your baby is still in diapers.  You are not exempt.  It WILL happen to you!  Have respect for the work other parents are doing for their families.

Am we perfect parents?  HA!  Not close!  I'm the lady losing her cool some days in the Walmart parking lot.  I'm the lady letting my kids stay up past bed time simply because I missed them a little extra at work that day.  I'm the lady who has been known to drop an F bomb or two in front of the kids in traffic.  But I'm also the lady God chose to turn these boys into men.  Good men who make good choices.  my husband is the man that God chose to guide them and lead by his character.  God did this.  God knew what he was doing.  So even when it's hard, even when it's ugly, even when you're overwhelmed by this job, just remember: Relax.  It's just parenting.

Roll with it?

My baby is 4 months old. My baby is trying to roll over. My baby is eyeballing solid foods. My baby has found his toes. My baby is inching closer and closer to toddler hood, then little boyness, then teen years, then he'll be moving out!

This is my last baby. So every milestone marks the end of an era in me and my husband's life. So when my sweet little baby starts to roll over I have to seriously fight the urge to shove him back down and tell him that being a big boy is over rated! Which it totally is! I mean, come on. I think it's fair to say most men act like babies so let's just save this baby a ton of time encourage him to stay my sweet little baby forever! No? Damn.

I've never felt like this before. I have always marveled- and forced others to marvel- at how quick my boys have learned. How amazing they are to walk, talk, eat, coo, and all the other things our children do. I, like all other mothers, have been convinced that my son's ability to poop in the potty was a sign of genius. That the fact that he knows the alphabet will surely secure him his spot at Harvard.

So does it make me a bad mom that I want THIS baby to stay on the breast, never roll over, not learn to speak, FORGET growing any teeth! I just want to hold on to every baby moment. I want to snuggle him and love his little baby bum. I have 2 big boys. I can celebrate their growth and accomplishments! I can be a good mom to them!

Alas (Yes. I said Alas.) it can't be stopped. And in all reality I don't really want him to stay a baby. I just want it to go slower. The first year zips by so quickly. Then they're 5, then 15, then they are out on their own. But this is all an inevitable part of the job. I love my babies. All 3 of them. But part of me loving them is making sure they coo, roll over, poop, learn the alphabet.... and grow up. So while I can't stop it, I will cherish it. I will drink in every moment. And occasionally I may or may not push him back down when he tries to roll, crawl, or walk. But I'll be gentle.

Open post from my breasts

Dear makers of nursing bras- in all of your years making and selling nursing bras, have you ever consulted an actual mother? Let alone one with a cup size larger than an A? I am a naturally busty lady. I sport a D cup when I'm NOT breastfeeding. When you figure in breast milk and swollen glands, we're in the market for some serious support. By serious support I'm talkin' under wire and thick straps! Additionally, it needs to breathe. There's a lot going on in there. While you're at it we can add some sass to the bra too! Believe it or not, mommies like to feel a little sassy too and when we are wearing grandma style bras it socks our self esteem right in the gut!

I have gone shopping for nursing bras twice now since having my baby 2 months ago. The first trip I was so disgusted with the lack of style and support that I bought two sports bras that fastened in the front instead. These bras looked infinitely better, had support cups, and made me feel less like a milking cow and more like a hot mama! HOWEVER, they were racer back bras and the weight of my giant milk bags pulled the straps causing pain in my shoulders.

So back to the store I went! I finally found a bra in a DD size with under wire! But the fabric is so thin that my poor boobies look like they are melting. Boo. And the only color it came in was nude. A serious lack of sassiness. But it went home with me because I needed the under wire! I also grabbed 2 other bras in a DD that did not have under wire. WHY you would even MAKE DD bras without proper support I have no idea! They instantly age my breasts by about 30 years! And can I mention that I am actually an F but that the largest size I can find is a DD so everywhere I go I look like my breasts have breasts! I'm talking overflow ladies!

I am sure there are amazing DD and larger nursing bras out there. I am also sure that in order for me to own one I would have to search high and low and pay an exorbitant amount of money. Money that is better used on diapers right now.

Nursing bras are a necessary evil. They offer mommies ease in feeding, especially out in public. Because at home we can just let it all hang out! But for as much as we need them, we loathe them.

So I challenge you nursing bra makers of the world. Help a sista out. Talk to some actual moms. Design a beautiful, affordable bra that keeps the girls closer to their original location- above our belly buttons! With all the technology out there I'm sure we can make it happen. Until then, I'll be strapping my F boobs into my DD granny bra and waiting..... just waiting.