Mommies Don't Poop

OOOOOOOOOOH the exhaustion of motherhood.  And we're all in the same boat.  You now it well.  Here is who you have become ladies.  Yes.  It's true.  According to our kids, the following no longer need to occur because we pushed a person out of our vaginas.





1) Mommy's don't poop. This has to be true because out kids certainly don't see the need for us to go to the bathroom anymore and when we do we clearly need their supervision.



2) Mommies don't stink. We are fresh and clean all day and no longer require a shower. If we dare to take one, the shower alarm goes off. It sounds oddly similar to our children screaming & fighting.



3) Mommies don't need dates. Mom and dad (or mom & mom or dad & dad or mom & boyfriend- you get my drift) love being at home covered in poop & boogers and staying home on a Saturday night. Why on Earth would we need to talk to other grown ups, dress up nice, eat foods that weren't coated in cheese or fried, or watch a movie without a "P" or "G" in the rating?



4) Mommies don't have sex. We enjoy being pent up. Oh- and babies come from the baby factory. Not from sex.



5) Mommies don't need sleep. Sleep is for babies! With enough Red Bull & Coffee mom will be fine.



6) Mommies don't need warm food, or food at all- Who's the last to the table? Mom. Who's barely getting a bite in their mouths between feeding baby, refilling drinks, cleaning up spills, & breaking up fights? Mom. If we get to clear our plates our food will be ice cold. We like it that way. Ask our kids.

The list is probably longer but I haven't had any sleep and I barely had breakfast so my brain is a little cloudy. But I'll be fine. Just ask my kids.

The dirty panty pizza sex penis blog. Otherwise know as "The Best Blog in History"

If you have found this blog by using a search engine and typing in key words of a certain nature, prepare to be grossly disappointed!  This is soooooo not that blog!  But it always amazes me how many people find my blog by typing in such seriously disturbing things!  You are some sick puppies!

If you look at my top 10 blogs, there are some amazing pieces of literary art there.  However, I'm willing to bet that they aren't all there based on their amazing literary content.  Rather, they are at the top of the list because of sickos searching for naughty things that raised the click count.  Some of these include:

My Big Girl Panties A story about being a strong woman.  NOT a story about women's panties and if you mom, brother, sister, or room mate is currently wearing them.

Naughty Stories This is a blog about cherishing all the naughty things your children do because they make the best stories to tell down the line.  NOT a story about naughty nurses, grandmas, girl scouts, or the like.  You sick bastards.

And so it continues.  Some of my favorite (I guess) search terms that have been used to find my blog include these classics:

"person with 2 penises"
"big lady knickers"
"Should I wear my sister's panties"
"naughty knickers"

But it's not just me that's a pervo magnet!  It's my fellow bloggers as well!  I asked my Tweeps to provide the funniest search terms used to find their blogs.  Here's' what we got!

My homie Princess Amy at Not a Real Princess (Except to my boys) Has found "MILFs in thongs and Pooped my pants" in her stats.  Awesome.

Then my girl Alisha at Blahyaya has gazed upon the words "True story mom and aunt fucked me".  WTF?!

Lidia at Lidia-anain gets the extra special pleasure of having creepy stalker style search terms! "Lidia Anain lives, Lidia Anain age, & Lidia Anain pictures"

Over at Fairy Tale Forgotten my friend gets things like "Naked fairy tales". Huh?

Then there's the sad ones like my friend Michele at Professional Gremlin Wrangler who got this gem "I'm 16 pregnant and addicted to cocaine".  How that lead anyone to her parenting blog is a mystery.

And finally my very favorite collection of search terms was provided by my Twitter Twin John over at Daddy Runs A Lot who checks his stats to see things like  "bin Laden boobs," "midget porn," "how to maintain celibacy".  Well some guys just get all the luck!

So no doubt that with all these search terms actually IN my blog, this will become my most popular post in all of history.  Sad for the sickos who were expecting to see two kittens nursing on a naughty nurse while she defecates on a piano.  But great for my stats!  Thanks you sick fucks!