The Long and Broken Road

It's been two and a half years since we lost my father in law to suicide.  

That sentence kinda needs a moment to hang in the air.  Because that's where his death remains.  In the air.  It's always there.  Always in the room.  Since my husband has began to process his father's death, I refer to the suicide as the third person in our marriage.  Of all of the things my husband and I have navigated in our 14 years together, this is the hardest.  It's unfix-able.  There's no way to make it go away.  It's just here.  In the air.

Yet as present as it is, the void that my husband feels is vast.  It's so big that he doesn't know how to fill it.  And here I stand, as his wife, tasked for eternity with ridding him of what hurts him, and I can't.  I can't fix this.  I can't explain or kiss it away.  I can't find the way out and I don't have the answers.  That is a helpless feeling when it's my job to make this man happy and heal what hurts him.

Since we met there has been this balance in our relationship.  I am the mouthy, moody, spirited one and he is the mellow one who pats me on the head and brings me back to level.  But since my father in law's death, the balance has shifted.  My husband is now left on the other side of the scale with the mood swings and the short temper and I am clinging to his side of the scale trying to figure out how to keep things mellow and pat him on the head.  It's a shift in balance I'll accept because when we said our vows, I meant them.  For better and for worse.  But I'll admit I'm struggling.

I want to make this better.  I want to get my husband back and sometimes I'm scared that I'll never know that same man.  I know that over the course of our lives together we will inevitably change.  We evolve and we grow.  I understand this.  I was 22 when I met my husband so we obviously have changed with each other over the last 14 years.  But this is different.  This is beyond change.  This is a change in who he is in his spirit.  He is hurt and wounded and I worry that it will stay with him.  That the very spirit of who he is won't be able to find it's way back.  And part of me worries that this change in spirit will lead him down the same road as his father.

Irrational? Maybe.  My husband has promised repeatedly to never hurt us like that.  But what I have learned in the last two and a half years is that people who hurt like this don't always plan an end for years.  They try their absolute hardest to hang on.  They push it down and force their smiles and they love and nurture the hell out of the people around them because they have so much love for them.  But in the end, they can't reconcile that deep down pain and it overwhelms them.

The first year we didn't get to process my father in law's death because we were in survival mode when I had to be on bed rest from 13 weeks pregnant to delivery at 39 weeks.  Then once we had the baby and it looked like things were okay, the baby and I were hit by a drunk driver when he was 4 weeks old.  Four weeks after that I had surgery to have my gall bladder removed.  So for a year I was the reason that my husband couldn't grieve.  I hate that.  So I will do everything that I am able to do to help him now.  I listen when he needs to talk, I give him space when he needs it, I take him to Survivors of Suicide meetings, I have even taken him to a medium so he could speak with his dad.  All of these things have helped.  But none have been the fix.  I don't think there is one.  And that is hard.

I miss my father in law.  I am sad that he won't be physically here to know my children.  I am sad that he missed my brother in law's wedding to his amazing wife last year.  I am sad that he left his wife when she thought they had the rest of their lives together.  I miss his phone calls.  I miss the bond that he had with our oldest son.  I miss his photographs.  I miss his smile.  I miss his hugs.

I am sad that my husband lost his best friend.

I love my husband in ways I can't even put to words.  I am committed to this man for eternity.  He is my heart and soul.  I won't give up on him.  But this is a long and broken road that I don't know how to pave.  I also don't know where this road leads.  But all I can do is trust in God to keep us on the path He has chosen.  We will make our way together.

Relax. It's just parenting.

I used to be a helicopter.  I mean a full on hovering war craft looming over my kids and prepped for battle in the event that something were to happen or if they even started to make a bad decision.  I was going to swoop in guns a blazing and stop it from happening!  To some extent I still hang on to some of those helicopter mentalities.  But for the most part I now realize that being this type of parent doesn't benefit your kids.  It actually does more harm than good.  The change in me came with a series of classes I took at church.  It was "Parenting with Love & Logic".  I highly recommend the DVD, Books, or classes if you have the chance!  It changed who I was as a parent and the relationship I was on the verge of ruining with my (at the time) pre-teen.

The class taught me that my kids weren't the first kids ever.  Funny right?  But isn't that how we treat them?  Like kids have never been invented.  Like they've never survived without our constant watch for 18 years.  And one of the points that the instructor brought up was that we trust our dogs to learn our commands and use them more than we trust our kids.  Think about that one.  Mind.  Blown.  It also pointed out that I needed to get over myself because I was not the first parent ever.  I wasn't the one who discovered parenting and I will never be the best at it!  That's not an insult people.  It's a truth.

Parenting also is not a dictatorship.  It's a partnership with your children.  Specifically in the teen years.  If we hover over them and don't allow them to learn decision making they become failures in the real world.  It's best to allow them to make decisions and take responsibility for bad ones while they are still under our "direction" than when they are adults and there is no one (other than their parole officer) to guide them.  The class touched on lessons like not running lunch or homework to your child's class when they forget it.  In the real world if you forget, you deal with it until the next day, you learn from it and you don't do it again.  It taught bigger lessons like letting your child sit in a jail cell when they are teens and they get caught doing things like shop lifting or drinking.  The lessons have to hurt.  Sure it's hard for us too.  But better a hard lesson now than a permanent scar on their record later.

These classes changed who I was as a parent.  Which is good but also challenging.  It's good because my relationship with my teen is a good one.  He knows we will be there to talk his bad decisions out not hover over him yelling without giving him the chance to speak.  Think about it.  In the real world if you make a big mistake at work, do they bring you into a room, surround you by your bosses, scream at you, take away your computer, and tell you you're a bad person?  Hopefully not!  It's more likely that they'll bring you in a room, discuss the transgression, and either hold you accountable (via termination, write up, etc.,) or create a game plan to avoid the error in the future.  So which style of parenting prepares your teen for real world scenarios?  We have chosen discussion, action plans, & apologies.  Teaching our teen to talk things out and express their reasoning prepares them for the real world when they may have to do the same with a professor, employer, or cop.  This has reduced the amount of fights in our house but raised some eyebrows with people near us.  We get it.  People still like to scream at their kids.  They like to feel like they are in charge.  Great.  If that works for you, do it.  But this is our family and this is how we've chosen to do it.

For our younger children, many of the lessons are the same but the delivery and the scale is different.  Some of the examples in the class for younger kids include picking your battles.  Like if it's freezing out and your child is insistent on not wearing a coat (classic power struggle right?!) then simply say "Okay" and take it along in case they change their minds.  What are the chances that they will die of hypothermia that day? Slim to none.  But what are the chances that they will learn that a jacket is an excellent choice on a cold day and decide to wear one moving forward?  Sharing the decision making on small things reduces the amount of stress in your life and allows your child to learn how to care for themselves and make the right choices.  This is what our job is right?

Our house a co-op.  We all make choices and share decisions.  This has greatly reduced our need to fight.  We like it this way and we feel it's beneficial to our children.  We have the understanding that our kids are going to make bad decisions some times.  Our kids are going to say naughty things sometimes.  Our kids are going to get curious about boobs in their teen years.  Our kids may get caught cheating in class.   Our kids may be brought home by the police at some point in their adolescent life.  Our kids may bite another kid.  Our kids may break things.  Our kids may not always like us.  They aren't the first kids ever.  Kids have done this (and worse) for millions of years.  Does it still hurt us as parents when they make the wrong choice?  You bet!  There's no escaping that!  But we have to understand that it's a part of their process.  We did the same things or different things when we were kids.  And so it continues. 

This is what we signed up for parents.  There isn't a single parent in the world who hasn't had to face bad behavior.  This is literally the job folks.  And we need to be respectful about the job and humbled by the work.  Don't judge your fellow parents because they choose to lead their families differently.  Don't side eye that lady at Walmart (raises hand) giving her kids what for in the parking lot.  As long as we are guiding our children into the right decisions and holding them accountable for their actions that's what counts.  And if you haven't been there yet, hold your tongue.  Karma's a bitch.  Don't judge the struggles of teen parents if you haven't had a teen yet.  And don't tell a toddler mom she's doing it wrong when your baby is still in diapers.  You are not exempt.  It WILL happen to you!  Have respect for the work other parents are doing for their families.

Am we perfect parents?  HA!  Not close!  I'm the lady losing her cool some days in the Walmart parking lot.  I'm the lady letting my kids stay up past bed time simply because I missed them a little extra at work that day.  I'm the lady who has been known to drop an F bomb or two in front of the kids in traffic.  But I'm also the lady God chose to turn these boys into men.  Good men who make good choices.  my husband is the man that God chose to guide them and lead by his character.  God did this.  God knew what he was doing.  So even when it's hard, even when it's ugly, even when you're overwhelmed by this job, just remember: Relax.  It's just parenting.

Ingredients For a Great Husband

I was never that little girl who dreamed of her perfect husband, her perfect kids, and her dream wedding. Yet somehow I think I got all of them. Maybe it's not always perfect but I understand that the imperfections give you the chance to appriciate the true quality of the good stuff.

I met my husband in 1998. I wasn't looking for someone (isn't that always the story!) and he just kind of fell in my lap. I know it sounds cliche but I met him at work and went home that day and told my best friend that I had met my future husband. Here we are 12 years and 3 kids later.

My husband is my bestest friend. He is my soul mate in every dreamy and mushy sense of the word. Sometimes I forget that he is a whole separate person because he fits me so well that I forget he's not an actual piece of me! But let me please be clear that we don't have some annoying Hollywood romance where he is great because he brings me flowers, buys me jewelry, and wisks me off to exoctic locations. No, our romance is found in much more mundane but altogether more realistic ways.

So men- listen up! Here are the real ingredients to be a great husband:

1) He lets me sleep in.
2) He laughs at, with, & for me.
3) He truly thinks I'm awesome.
4) He supports everything I do- even the stupid stuff!
5) He thinks I'm perfect the way (and by way I mean size) I am.
6) He says he's wrong.
7) He yin's my yang.
8) He is ah-maz-zing with our children. HOT!
9) He doesn't ever yell at he because he knows I'd go OFF!
10) He calls me beautiful.
11) He is dedicated to our family.
12) He cleans up dog puke & poop.
13) He does the dishes. Super important since I am diametrically opposed to this chore.
14) He changes diapers.
15) He makes it effortless to love him.
16) He treats me like I am the sexiest thing on his radar- even if that waitress is clearly hotter than me.
17) He listens. I mean really listens.
18) He trusts me.
19) He doesn't go to bed, leave the house, or get off the phone without saying "I love you"
20) He takes care of me first in special husbandly ways ;0)

So gentlemen, you can see that it doesn't take a big bank roll or a PHD to be a quality husband. Just be a partner and best friend. Those are the ingredients.