Wednesday, September 28, 2011

(Not so) Wordless Wednesdays

I don't know who invented Wordless Wednesday but they obviously didn't have me in mind!  I know we're supposed to post pictures and I certaily have those.  But the whole worldess thing aint gonna work.

So here's the words behind my pictures.

Last Wednesday Iw as driving to work at ass thirty in the morning.  Now, for those of you that know me, I DESPISE anything that has to do with the morning.  But on this particular morning, I had to relent.  God made a pretty amazing sunrise.  Here are the pictures I took while driving to work.  It was truly magnificent watchign the morning sunrise unfold.  Enjoy!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

The End of A TV Era

I'm mad.  I mean I'm really mad.  And disappointed too.  And if I'm being honest, I'm a little disgusted as well.  Yesterday I watched the end of an era.  I watched a part of American history come to an end.  I watched pieces of my childhood shut the door.  And it just makes me mad.

All My Children has been a daily staple of American households for over 40 years.  There's something about All My Children that America loves more than any other soap opera.  Could it be the magnificent Erica Kane?  Or the fiendish Adam Chandler.  Is it the love affairs that swept us all off our feet like Jessie & Angie or Tad & Dixie?  Or Erica and Jeff martin, Tom Cudahy, Adam Chandler (twice), Dimitri Marik (twice), Travis Montgomery (twice), and Jackson Montgomery (1.5 times).

I personally have watched it since I was a child when my mom would watch it and I continued to watch into adulthood.  Hell!  I was sure not to miss it while I was in labor with my first son!  While I was pushing!  The dedication runs deep y'all.  And last year while I was on bed rest for 23 weeks All My Children was my daily transport out of the walls of my room and into another world. 

So I'm really disappointed in ABC.  Shame on you for choosing a more "cost effective" production.  I'm sure that soaps like All My Children & One Life To Live (Which has also been pulled off the air) come with a larger than average production cost.  And I'm sure that reality shows (barf) like The Chew are cheaper to produce.  But what good are they if pissed off fans like me refuse to watch them? 

I know that everyone is looking for ways to save money now a days.  The economy sucks.  I get that.  But what ABC fails to consider is that classic soaps like these are an escape for the rest of America that has lost their job and are struggling every single day to get by.  It's a moment in our day where we can follow the lives of other people who's troubles far exceed our own.  And when I say the LIVES of these people that's exactly what I mean.  Not the SEASONS.  We have known these people our whole lives.  Day in and day out.  5 days a week we are with them.  They are family.  We've watched their kids grow up and their lives take turns that we never saw coming (and some that we did!).  We've rooted for them (19 Emmy nods and FINALLY 1 win for Erica!) and fell in love with them.

But to ABC it's all bottom line.  I really think they did the wrong thing here.  This is Americana.  And they threw it out on the street to be replaced by some crap cooking show we could easily get in 5 different versions on the Food Network.  But where will we get another All My Children?  I'll tell you where.  ABC has licenced the rights to Prospect Park who will continue production in an online format.  I'm super happy that our "stories" will live on but I'm still unimpressed with ABC who saved money cutting the show then made money licencing it!  So they are making money by dropping an American Classic.  That's crap y'all.

Look.  I'm just a silly mom blogger.  ABC has its reasons.  Whatever.  I just wanted to show my support for a group of people who have been a part of my life my whole life.  I really hope Prospect Park is able to continue this American Legacy in all its glory.  I, and legions of other fans, will be glued to our computers following these lives and stories we have come to love.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Cussy McCusserton

I’ve struggled with a dirty mouth my whole life. I blame it on my higher than usual testosterone levels for a girl and my brief affair with a sailor (true story). Since becoming a mom I REALLY try to hold my tongue and be a good girl. But it doesn’t always work. When I lose my temper it just feels good to drop an F bomb or two. Hell. I wrote a whole blog about that dirty little pleasure! I also tend to have a dirty mouth when I’m in pain. If I hurt in any way I’ll cuss. That’s how my loved ones know that I’m in pain. Ironically when the pain gets really bad, I switch to “Stupid” and I pout.

So anyhoo, this past year, since we got hit by the drunk driver last October, I have been dealing with lots of pain. My back, my neck, headaches, and nerve damage to my right arm. Sometimes it’s “stupid” bad and sometimes it’s just “F-bomb” bad. I’ve done massage, physical therapy, chiropractic, pain killers, and cortisone steroid injections to ease the pain. We’re making progress but there’s always some level of pain each day.

Then in Mid-July I was blessed to have rejoined my prior employer and become employed again after 17 months of unemployment! Being that almost 7 months of that was spent on bed rest and 9 months of it had been spent dealing with my injuries from the accident, it’s been a hard adjustment to go back to work. I’m trying to adjust from going from extremely minimal activity & stimulation to 100 MPH each day! I’m exhausted!

The exhaustion paired with the pain has turned me into a Cussy McCusserton! I need to be stopped! Those of you who have followed my blog from the beginning may have noticed a few more cuss words than usual as of late. Oopsie! My bad! I’m really trying to stop!

You know it’s bad when your son- your TEENAGE son- tries to start a cuss jar. My response to that? I’m not fucking paying you when I cuss! Oopsie again! Point taken.

So I’m really trying my dear followers. I’ve never been much of a lady per se. More of a chick. I doubt my dirty mouth will ever be fully clean (Clean it up with Orbit?!) but I need to exercise that whole “there’s a time and a place” thing my mom taught me. Shit. This is gonna be hard.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

My Perfect Marraige

I was raised by a single mom.  A strong and amazing single mom.  I also was never that kid who sat around planning her wedding, perfect husband and how many kids she was going to have.  I had other plans.  So with these things said, I wasn't sure what I expected out of marriage.  I wasn't raised within the boundaries of one.  I didn't dream about what my someday marriage was going to be like.  I just really didn't give it a lot of thought.  All I really remember about my thoughts on marriage was that my mom always told me "When you settle, you get what you settle for".  Those words stuck with me.

So going by my mom's unintentional rule, when I got to the point in my life where I dated I knew that I was going to be me.  I was going to say what I felt and eat what I wanted.  None of this be who he wanted me to be and certainly none of this salad eating giggling girl shit.  I knew I wanted a guy who was excited to see me.  Who thought I was beautiful and let me know it on a daily basis.  I wanted a guy who was devoted to me.  And raising your voice to me was never going to be an option for my man.  Ever.  I wanted a partner.  Not a master.  Cheating would be a deal breaker.  Raising a hand to me would be a deal breaker (and a jaw breaker because I would fuck you up!).  And some day if we had kids, the duties would be 50/50.  No diaper dodging. 

So suffice it to say, prior to my husband, my relationships were short.  No longer than 9months to be exact.  I didn't see it as a failure on my part.  I saw it as a failure on their part.  Because I knew what I wanted and for some reason those particular relationships didn't fit.  No biggie.  I didn't see the purpose in prolonging things if they didn't fit.  Were there tears at the end sometimes?  Sure.  But in the long run there were far fewer than if we dragged it out for the sake of being in that relationship.

Enter my husband.  We met when I was 22 and he was days shy of 28.  I was a strong willed, mouthy single mother of a beautiful 2year old baby.  He was an independent bachelor.  Both of us were about a six pack away form being gay!  Neither of us was looking for someone.  We were on hiatus from love due to the exhaustion caused by previous dating endeavors.  My husband, in his years, had been better in relationships.  He had a couple long and meaningful ones.  Me?  Not so much.  See above.  But there was something there from the first day we met.

Things went slooooooooooow for us.  He slept on my couch for months.  We didn't day I love you for two years!  We dated for six years before getting married.  Much of our concern was for our son.  I remember when we first started dating he looked me square in the eye and told me "If you EVER put me before your son, I'll walk".  To which I let out a hearty guffaw and responded "You won't have to EVER worry about that!".  But that was one of many "Good man flags" he put up while we were dating.  He wanted to make sure that my son was the priority for both of us.

So apparently things went well because we have been together for 13 years and married for 7 of them.  Our friends always tell us how they admire our relationship.  And that goes for those who have lived with us. Day in and day out!  It's not just a show y'all!  So how do we stay so happy?  It's kinda easy.   Here's how I have the perfect marriage.

1) Accept that the perfect marriage doesn't exist- Wait.  What?  Have I read the title of my own blog?  Here's the deal.  Years ago I watched an Oprah show where some guy was talking about how Hollywood is ruining marriage.  He said that we watch these movies about these perfect happy endings to these perfect happy marriages and we assume that's what ours should be like.  So when we get in a lull or have a hard time we automatically think our marriages are broken and we file for divorce instead of accepting that it's a period in time that we will get through.

2) Sometimes you love them, and sometimes you like them- Marriage and relationships have ebbs and flows.  There are times that I look at my husband and I am so deeply and profoundly in love with that man that I could just explode!  Then there are times where I look at him and I just kinda like him like he's my best friend (which he is!).  I don't feel guilty when I'm not falling all over myself with love for him.  Have you ever dated someone who is like that all the time?  It gets old.  So be okay with the ebbs and flows.  It doesn't mean you don't love him just because you like him.

3) Be grateful- I'm so serious about this one.  Show gratitude to your spouse EVERY DAY.  It doesn't have to be a big show with cards and flowers.  I'm talking about a simple "Thanks for doing the dishes babe" or "I'm so glad you were able to take the kids to baseball practice".  The every day things are the foundation to romance.  Who gives a flying fuck about flowers and candy if your partner is only doing it to placate you because he/she doesn't do anything else to support your daily lives?  Take the expectations out of your marriage and insert gratitude.  It works wonders!

4) Let it all hang out!- My husband and I tell each other everything.  But that's not enough in a marriage. you have to be willing to hear everything and accept that you may have a different outlook on things.  Even though you are married, you are still two different people with different opinions.  If I am feeling like the balance in our home has shifted from 50/50 to 60/40 I will tell my husband that I feel this way and why.  Please note that it doesn't mean that it really IS 60/40 or that he let it become 60/40 on purpose.  It just means that's what I'm feeling and we need to fix it.  If I don't communicate about it it becomes a festering resentment inside me.  If I do something I'm not proud of I my husband.  If he has a naughty dream, he tells me.  It's all out there folks!  This is what makes me trust my husband completely and it allows me to admire him more for who he is.  This honesty extends to social media folks.  My husband has all my passwords and I have all his.  I read him my blogs and Tweets.  He knows alllllll about my Twitter life! And he loves me anyway.

5) Sometimes I'm easy & sometimes I'm not- SEX IS IMPORTANT IN MARRIAGE.  It's not just important to HAVE it, it's important to like it!  And once children enter the picture it certainly becomes more about quality than quantity!  My husband and I understand that as parents, our love life revolves around our children.  Sometimes they won't go to sleep.  Sometimes they knock on the door.  Sometimes we have just spent all of our energy chasing after them that we have nothing left to give each other at the end of the day!  So there are some months where we are lucky enough to enjoy each other frequently ans there are other months where we forget what we look like naked.  It's just part of the deal.  It doesn't mean we don't love each other and it doesn't mean we aren't interested in sex with each other.  It just means that for a season in our lives, we may have to sleep more than we fornicate.  But when we DO do the do, we make it count!  Know what your partner likes and be willing to do it (barring anything illegal or immoral.  If it ends up on Dateline you may want to skip it).  Also, since time is precious here folks, let them know what you like.  Take care of you!  And even when you aren't making magic, remember that the important thing to do is to still flirt.  All day long!  It's important to KNOW that even if you can't HAVE sex, that your spouse still WANTS to have sex!  And it's important for your kids to see you being flirtatious and affectionate.  When ever the kids act grossed out by our affection we always say "But your parents are in loooooooove!"

6) SAY "I LOVE YOU"- Never ever assume that your spouse knows this just because you put a ring on it.  I love you needs to be said numerous times a day and every time you leave or hang up the phone.  Your days are NOT guaranteed by any means.  Don't be the woman who says "If I had only told him I loved him".  My husband and I hold true to this- even when we are unhappy with each other.  An angry, pouty "I love you" is better than none at all and it reminds us that despite the disagreement you still love each other.  We don't go to sleep without an "I love you".  We "I love you" the heck out of each other daily, especially around the kids.  "I love you" is a security blanket for each other and your kids.  Make it a habit immediately.

7) Keep it pretty people- Remember when you were dating and you dressed up and made sure your breath was minty and you smelled good?  Well what part of the vows stated that you would only do this on special occasions after the wedding?  You still need to impress your spouse.  America's divorce rate is a testament to this.  We should strive to be the person our spouse wants to come home to.  Look.  I'm fat.  I just went through 23 weeks in bed while pregnant with a 10lb baby, a car accident, & gall bladder surgery all in a year's time.  Working out hasn't been an option (outside of physical therapy).  This takes a toll on your self esteem and make you want to throw your hands up and grab the closest pair of sweats!  But fight that urge!  Each day I shower, do full make up, hair, and perfume.  I may not be the 140lb 20 something he fell in love with but I'm the strong, beautiful, amazing woman he chose to spend forever with so I'm going to make sure I look my best for him!

8) Marry the right person- It goes back to the "When you settle, you get what you settle for" rule my mom instilled in me.  None of the above listed items matter much if you married someone just to marry them and you didn't make sure they are willing to truly share this journey with you.  How many times have you known a couple who didn't discuss whether they want children or not until after they are married?  And how many couples have you known that weren't on the same page sexually and it had negative effects on their marriage?  Did your spouse expect you to stop being who you were once you "settled down"?  These are good things to know prior to the wedding.  Don't marry just to be married!  Forever is a long ass time!  Be sure the person you walk down the aisle with is not the one you are settling for.

Now I know that some of you may read this and roll your eyes.  Maybe you are divorced and your marriage WAS happy for a really long time until some unforeseen shit hit the fan.  I'm not by any mean daring to presume that this is the secret marriage formula that has been missing for millions of years until my husband and I discovered it.  Not at all.  I'm stating that this is the formula that has worked for my husband and our family.  I love this man.  I admire this man.  I am grateful for him and I want to be better for him, myself, and our children as a result of our marriage.  To us our marriage is perfect.  This family is the love of my life and I will continue the work and do what it takes to protect it.  Who knows that the future holds.  Who knows how long we actually have.  But for now I am proud of what we have built and I thank God every day for it.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Your mama's no saint kid.

The other day I was yelling at the kids.  No really.  True story.  Take a journey with me if you will.  The 15 year old was fighting with the 4 year old- AGAIN.  This all started when I selfishly stepped into a shower. 

First rule of baby fight club: Always throw the smack down when mom is on the toilet or in the shower.  This makes for optimal fight response.

So I come out of the bathroom still dripping wet (trust me it's not as hot as you think) and mad as Hell.  "What are you fighting about NOW?!"
The answer was the usual "He never listens to me!"
"He was being mean!"
"He looked at me funny!"
"He hurt my feelings!"
Followed by me begging them to explain what on Earth two kids 11 years apart in age can possibly have to fight about!  Why can't they just get along?  Do they like fighting?  Why can't they speak kindly to each other? Why?  WHY?  WHYYYYYYYYYY?????
In my defense, this was the morning after the baby's 1st birthday BBQ and I hadn't had coffee yet.  So I was begging.  BEGGING to know why this continued to happen every time I stepped into the shower.

Second rule of baby fight club: No one talks.  The less you say, the more that vein on mom's head throbs.

We're now at the point where neither kid will speak.  That's infuriating!  So I ask the oldest, as he glares at me, "Why are you so mad at him?  He's FOUR!"

Then the response comes.

"I'm not mad at him.  I'm mad at you"
"Mad at me?!  WHY?"
"Because you always yell."

Third rule of baby fight club:  Deny.  Deny.  Deny.  It's NEVER your fault.  It's always the parents' fault.  This rule carries into the teen years.

I then launch into the old "I only yell because you don't listen" diatribe.  But later I sat and stewed on this moment.  What on Earth makes our children think that we are these mommy robots who will willingly accept the fight and let them have at it without repercussions because this is what we signed up for.  Are we not allowed to shower?  Are we not allowed to sit alone in a bathroom for 5 minutes to do our business.  Like the title "Mom" erased those rights for us?

Parents aren't perfect.  We don't enter into parenthood perfect and we certainly don't achieve any level of sainthood as we navigate our way through the child rearing process.  But our children are still thrown off when we have human moments like losing it when they fight. 

Moms and Dads make bad decisions, swear, yell, etc. every day.  Because we're people too.  We use the bathroom and we shower too.  So it's about time you get used to that!  We cut you slack all the time so try and give us a bit of slack from time to time too.  We aren't mommy & daddy robots.  We have a history and a story.  We fought with our siblings and made bad choices too.  So we know a thing or two about the business of childhood.

Final rule of baby fight club:  Never underestimate mom and dad.  They have a crazy look in their eye and something tells me they won't go down without a fight.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

The dirty panty pizza sex penis blog. Otherwise know as "The Best Blog in History"

If you have found this blog by using a search engine and typing in key words of a certain nature, prepare to be grossly disappointed!  This is soooooo not that blog!  But it always amazes me how many people find my blog by typing in such seriously disturbing things!  You are some sick puppies!

If you look at my top 10 blogs, there are some amazing pieces of literary art there.  However, I'm willing to bet that they aren't all there based on their amazing literary content.  Rather, they are at the top of the list because of sickos searching for naughty things that raised the click count.  Some of these include:

My Big Girl Panties A story about being a strong woman.  NOT a story about women's panties and if you mom, brother, sister, or room mate is currently wearing them.

Naughty Stories This is a blog about cherishing all the naughty things your children do because they make the best stories to tell down the line.  NOT a story about naughty nurses, grandmas, girl scouts, or the like.  You sick bastards.

And so it continues.  Some of my favorite (I guess) search terms that have been used to find my blog include these classics:

"person with 2 penises"
"big lady knickers"
"Should I wear my sister's panties"
"naughty knickers"

But it's not just me that's a pervo magnet!  It's my fellow bloggers as well!  I asked my Tweeps to provide the funniest search terms used to find their blogs.  Here's' what we got!

My homie Princess Amy at Not a Real Princess (Except to my boys) Has found "MILFs in thongs and Pooped my pants" in her stats.  Awesome.

Then my girl Alisha at Blahyaya has gazed upon the words "True story mom and aunt fucked me".  WTF?!

Lidia at Lidia-anain gets the extra special pleasure of having creepy stalker style search terms! "Lidia Anain lives, Lidia Anain age, & Lidia Anain pictures"

Over at Fairy Tale Forgotten my friend gets things like "Naked fairy tales". Huh?

Then there's the sad ones like my friend Michele at Professional Gremlin Wrangler who got this gem "I'm 16 pregnant and addicted to cocaine".  How that lead anyone to her parenting blog is a mystery.

And finally my very favorite collection of search terms was provided by my Twitter Twin John over at Daddy Runs A Lot who checks his stats to see things like  "bin Laden boobs," "midget porn," "how to maintain celibacy".  Well some guys just get all the luck!

So no doubt that with all these search terms actually IN my blog, this will become my most popular post in all of history.  Sad for the sickos who were expecting to see two kittens nursing on a naughty nurse while she defecates on a piano.  But great for my stats!  Thanks you sick fucks!