Monday, September 12, 2011

Your mama's no saint kid.

The other day I was yelling at the kids.  No really.  True story.  Take a journey with me if you will.  The 15 year old was fighting with the 4 year old- AGAIN.  This all started when I selfishly stepped into a shower. 

First rule of baby fight club: Always throw the smack down when mom is on the toilet or in the shower.  This makes for optimal fight response.

So I come out of the bathroom still dripping wet (trust me it's not as hot as you think) and mad as Hell.  "What are you fighting about NOW?!"
The answer was the usual "He never listens to me!"
"He was being mean!"
"He looked at me funny!"
"He hurt my feelings!"
Followed by me begging them to explain what on Earth two kids 11 years apart in age can possibly have to fight about!  Why can't they just get along?  Do they like fighting?  Why can't they speak kindly to each other? Why?  WHY?  WHYYYYYYYYYY?????
In my defense, this was the morning after the baby's 1st birthday BBQ and I hadn't had coffee yet.  So I was begging.  BEGGING to know why this continued to happen every time I stepped into the shower.

Second rule of baby fight club: No one talks.  The less you say, the more that vein on mom's head throbs.

We're now at the point where neither kid will speak.  That's infuriating!  So I ask the oldest, as he glares at me, "Why are you so mad at him?  He's FOUR!"

Then the response comes.

"I'm not mad at him.  I'm mad at you"
"Mad at me?!  WHY?"
"Because you always yell."

Third rule of baby fight club:  Deny.  Deny.  Deny.  It's NEVER your fault.  It's always the parents' fault.  This rule carries into the teen years.

I then launch into the old "I only yell because you don't listen" diatribe.  But later I sat and stewed on this moment.  What on Earth makes our children think that we are these mommy robots who will willingly accept the fight and let them have at it without repercussions because this is what we signed up for.  Are we not allowed to shower?  Are we not allowed to sit alone in a bathroom for 5 minutes to do our business.  Like the title "Mom" erased those rights for us?

Parents aren't perfect.  We don't enter into parenthood perfect and we certainly don't achieve any level of sainthood as we navigate our way through the child rearing process.  But our children are still thrown off when we have human moments like losing it when they fight. 

Moms and Dads make bad decisions, swear, yell, etc. every day.  Because we're people too.  We use the bathroom and we shower too.  So it's about time you get used to that!  We cut you slack all the time so try and give us a bit of slack from time to time too.  We aren't mommy & daddy robots.  We have a history and a story.  We fought with our siblings and made bad choices too.  So we know a thing or two about the business of childhood.

Final rule of baby fight club:  Never underestimate mom and dad.  They have a crazy look in their eye and something tells me they won't go down without a fight.


  1. Hilarious post, and true. Smething always goes down when you spend more than 30 seconds in the bathroom. That's why I so the courtesy flush every two minutes or so, just to keep them on their toes.

  2. Love it!!!! A Fantastic post.
    Keep it up.
    James - Twitter @TBC4Dads

  3. This is hilarious, Margaret!

    There's that rule about Baby Fight Club that the best messes can only be made during those times of minimal supervision - even my dogs get into that one...I want to know how everything ended up traveling all of the way up the back of the recliner.

    And then there's the "if hitting didn't work, bite," rule. And "if nobody was looking, whoever is crying louder must obviously be the victim" (I swear, I'll catch Leila smack CJ and then start crying).

    It gets easier. Sometime. Right?

  4. My kids are 2 and 4 and, apparently, the second I go in to the bathroom, they forget every single rule of the house. I don't even close the door anymore, that way I can just pull the shower curtain aside and yell at them from the shower. And my husband wonders why I'd rather shower on my own...when he's I can have 20 minutes to myself.

  5. Amen.

    Z has no brothers or sisters (yet) but as soon as one of my godsons walks into the house it's like a WWE Cage Match. I told her that if it doesn't start going better, we will not be able to have friends over EVER again.

  6. Ok, so I would have loved being in the stall next to you while you were laughing uncontrolably. Hmmm not sure I spelled that right! Anyhoo I had a couple doozies today with my Iphone and auto correct. My girlfriend almost peed herself!

    My kids are 11 and 7 oldest boy and they fight like cats and dogs I swear its horrible. Why can't they just be on different floors then try to sit next to each other and watch a movie. Someone's foot is always touching someone else or someone's breathing is bothering the other.

    They say I yell all the time. Oh really? You think if maybe you didn't fight I wouldn't have to yell.

    Grrrr, my mother only had to give the look once and you knew you were in for it!

    Hey if you figure out how to get the kids to like each other then pass it along, but not until you write that book where you can make a bundle off your solution!


  7. This is funny stuff! I don't have any kids, but I WAS a kid once upon a time...Keep on keeping that sense of humor! You are blessed, aren't you? Love the name of your blog, and love your comment about being more specific about the room full of handsome guys...Hilarious! Hail the queen!