Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Coming back from the other side

I know it's been a while since I've posted. I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. As of May 26th my FMLA expired and my employer could no longer hold the job I have been at for 8 years because I am still on bed rest. Since God decided to hijack my life this year and teach me LOTS of lessons, I have never felt so out of control. Control is what I do. I had my first child at 19 and had to grow up and be in control since then. And I've done it well I must say. But I think God saw me doing it a little too well. I don't think I was giving Him the control He needs to properly direct me. But I didn't realize it. I thought we had always had a great balance.

But then March 2nd happened and the rug was pulled out from under me. Everything that was typically within my control, right down to carrying my baby, was now a giant question mark. This uncertainty made me question everything and sent me spiraling into a depression the likes of which I have never experienced. Although I would laugh when friends came over and enjoy their company, the joy that I have always felt inside was gone. There was too much bad happening. I couldn't control if my baby lived or died. I couldn't be a mother to my 2 beautiful boys who were already here. I couldn't provide for my family by working as I always had. I didn't know if we would have money for our mortgage, health insurance, or food in our pantry. I couldn't do the basics like cook dinner, clean the house, grocery shop, or even change a diaper. I couldn't even let myself get closely attached to my unborn baby for fear that he too would be taken away from me. I was stripped of the things that made me- me. I would just cry in bed. Especially the first month, I was only allowed out of bed to shower or use the restroom. If I wanted a glass of water I had to rely on my husband to get it. If I needed my knitting from the bin on the side of my bed, once again I had to call someone in to get it. When I was say I was stripped- I was stripped!

But as time has gone on and I have allowed the Lord to take over the things I wasn't able to control, we have acclimated. We have begun to check things off the list and adjust to our new "normal". But the thought of being unemployed still loomed over me. I mean, let's be real. In this economy unemployed isn't exactly a dream. I don't qualify for unemployment as I am not physically able to work. I don't qualify for disability as you need to be disabled for a year or more and by the time I am able to return to work I will be just a few months shy of that goal. And We don't qualify for state income help because my husband makes $100.00 too much. But in light of all this, God is taking care of us in amazing ways.

Yet despite this, I was full of anxiety as May 26th approached. Our OB appointment that would determine my fate was literally May 26th as well! Talk about cutting it close! And it was determined that I would stay on bed rest due to the Placenta Previa. So I contacted my employer and just like that, I was unemployed. I held my breath waiting for the overwhelming depression to kick in. And I held it, and held it, and held it. And as I waited for the other shoe to drop, for the depression to take over.... the funniest thing happened. I started to feel the joy again. I started to feel HAPPY again. I think that having this big "maybe" hanging over my head was just another source of anxiety and depression and that once it was lifted, once the question was answered, it allowed me to be me again. We knew what direction our lives would take for the first time in 3 months. Not that it's the one we would have preferred but the uncertainty was crushing to me.

And as Little Baby Simon grows each week and we get closer to the goal of a healthy baby (our goal is 36 weeks- reg pregnancy is 40 weeks) the more I can let myself love him and be excited for his arrival. I love watching him move around in my belly and I can daydream about what he will look like and how great it will be to finally hold him. In many ways at this point, he feels like he's already here. Our lives have revolved around him for the last 3.5 months and will continue to do so until he is healthy and home. My bed rest has been lightened in the sense that I can alternate bed and sofa, get up and get myself a cup of tea, and Josh and I even cook together 1-2 times a week. He pulls a chair into the kitchen and we work together. We are finding ways to enjoy our new normal. Even the kids are adjusting. Tieren has stepped up and is learning to be a more active participant in the day to day chores around the house which means I don't always need "sitters" to help me with the kids when Josh is at work. And Kaiden and I are finding things we can safely do together. Lots of art projects and recently we found that balloons make a great way for me to play catch with him in the house from bed or the sofa! I can be more of a mom! And that has given pieces of me back to myself!

I feel like I am coming back from the other side. I still worry about post pardum depression. I really want to enjoy little man when he comes home. But I am learning that I can't control that and we will just cross that bridge when we get to it. For now I need to focus on keeping this baby for the next 13.5 weeks. I would really like to be pregnant at my baby shower! Tieren was so early he came to his shower and I don't want a repeat! I am learning to let go and let God. There is a purpose for this little surprise baby and that purpose must be great!

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