Wednesday, July 6, 2011

How Much Is That Fatty In The Window?

I think I have reverse body dismorphia.  To be exact, I think I look better than I really do.  We can also refer to this as "The Jersey Shore Syndrome".

When people suffer from actual body dismorphia they hyper focus on one or more specific things about their body that drive them to think they aren't good enough or pretty enough.  Then they work endlessly to fix this issue even if it only exists in their heads.  

Me?  Well, lately when I look in my skinny mirror (Women know this well.  There are fat mirrors & skinny mirrors) I feel good about my post baby body!  I've dropped a few pounds, my clothes are a little less snug and I feel like a damned super model!  I'm still curvy.  Always have been and always will be.  I always say I'm not an hour glass figure, I'm more of an hour and a half to two hours.  My man loves me curvy so when I look in my skinny mirror I see one sexy beeotch!

Then reality sets in when I see a picture of myself.  UGH!  Who the hell is that hippo of a woman?!  I pick apart the picture.  Flabby arms, jello thighs, jiggly belly, and is that a double chin?  Oh hell no!  That all must be photo shopped!  That simply can't be the same beautiful woman in my skinny mirror!

So I have amped up my super model skills.  Mommies, you may already know them well but if not here are a few new moves for taking pictures. 

1) Strategically place small family members (a.k.a. the kids) in front of you as though you want them to be the star of this family photo.  But in reality you are hiding your rolly polly pudge.

2) To reduce the double chin appearance suction the back of your tongue to the roof of your mouth.  This will lift your second chin just long enough to take that shot!

3) Stand up.  ALWAYS stand up!  Taking photos of yourself in the sitting position will send you into a manic depression where you consume all chocolate within your reach.

4) When taking pictures with your husband, have him wrap his arms around you from BEHIND.  Pictures where he is embracing you face to face show just how much work it takes for him to get his arms around you.

5) Make it a priority to have your arms hidden behind you whenever possible.  A hand on the hip with elbow pointing backwards is a classic pose.

Despite the reality of my post baby body I am still proud of it.  It gave me my sweet baby boy.  And I am fortunate enough to have a man who loves some meat on his lady!  I'll close with this saying my husband lives by:

"Women weren't meant to slip through a man's fingers....but they weren't made to break his arms either!"

Thanks baby!  I love you!  Now go make me a sammich!


  1. You so totally rock! I feel you girl! I know I'll never have the body I had in high school, which was too skinny anyway. But boy oh boy, who is that fat girl who be posin' like she's me?! Sure I could exercise more and eat less junk but, eh...where's the fun in that life?! And like Josh, Josiah loves me curvy!!! I love you just the way you are and I know you love me too!!! Now, back to making that chocolate peanut butter pie....

  2. HaHA!!! Love it!!! I was actually planning on writing a blog post soon entitled "Who the hell is that?" or something along those lines, because I've encountered the same thing. We recently got our picture taken for our church directory, and I was horrified. I thought -- who is that middle-aged lady? I didn't even recognize myself! Yet when I look in the mirror, I like what I see. Very confusing. I laughed out loud when you called it "Jersey Shore Syndrome!" Brilliant!!!

    Anyway, I saw that you joined funny moms, and I needed a good laugh, so I stopped by! Love, love, love! I am following!

    I write a humorous blog about the joys, trials, and tribulations of motherhood at Misadventures in Motherhood. It's usually good for a laugh, and sometimes even a snort or two! I'd love for you to drop by!

    Thanks for the laughs! Looking forward to reading more!


  3. I think I have reverse BDD also. I always think "I don't look so bad" and then I see a picture of myself and I'm like ".....!!!!!!....."

  4. Carla Yemanja KennedyJuly 06, 2011 12:21 PM

    Amen, sister! I read a Zimbabwean story once that puts the "mature" female body i perspective: stretch marks on bellies, ample hips, and overall voluptuousness (I made that word up) are evidence of a life well-lived. Tell your hubby he TOTALLY ROCKS (and you do too)!

  5. OMG I Love This Post!!!! It funny as all get out but damn good advice. I tore apart a picture just the other day and thought Who am I kidding, I need to loose a TON

  6. As someone who thinks he's significantly larger than the mirror or camera shows, I have the opposite issue.

    I hate the "standing behind a person" photo, because I'm ALWAYS wider than the person in front of me, and I focus on that.

    When taking self-pictures, I'm totally a Myspace whore (camera angle facing downward, sometimes drastically so).

    But the best advice for good pictures? Always be smiling.

    And where are these pictures where you think you look like a beached whale? I've not seen a single picture of you that I've found you to be anything short of gorgeous . . . totally the "good looking twin".

  7. Don't forget: the camera must be held up HIGH and pointing DOWN at you. Preferable from a second story balcony.

  8. You are frickin' fabulous! I needed to read this post! Made my day! You seem to know just what my heart needs to hear!

  9. I soooo get this. I always picture myself in my future plans (ie, at the beach, or dressing up really pretty for a date with hubby) and I'm fricking glamorous. Then I look down and I'm like "Oh. Yeah." Ah to have the pre-babies body back. And to appreciate it the way I never did back then!! love to see you around my blog sometime:

  10. Hysterical - I use the kid in front of you trick - but will remember the roof of mouth tongue trick from now on forever more.
    I am your newest follower and glad to be here.