A Place We Never Thought We'd Be

Today we reached a milestone we never thought we'd see. We turned 35 weeks pregnant! Additionally, last week the baby dropped. Therefore he is getting ready for delivery. One more week and this little baby, who has had to work so hard to be here, will have full lung development! That means that if he comes after 36 weeks, even though it would still be 4 weeks early, we would be able to bring him home. Home. I know I've tried to explain it but it's surreal to imagine this part of the process. The whole past week or two as we take the little steps to get ready for baby we have done so with such mixed emotions. As healthy as he becomes every day and as close as we are to the finish line, there is still hesitancy to let ourselves go and enjoy this. It's like my husband says, we spent so much time trying to keep baby in that now it's hard to plan for him to come out. It just seems like a foreign idea or that by getting ready we are jinxing it.

I'm having an easier time enjoying these last few weeks of pregnancy. I can feel his movements and can tell which is an elbow, foot, baby bum. I can feel that he's healthy and strong. And therefore I can let go a bit and enjoy being pregnant a bit more. My husband, on the other hand, carries more of the hesitancy and can't quite relax. Since the January death of his father and then our pregnancy roller coaster, loss has been the theme of his year. So he feels he can't really fully enjoy this until his little boy is home, healthy, and in his arms. It's so hard to see him blocked off like that. But it's probably been just as hard for him to see me go through everything I have endured to get this far. This is what marriage is about. the good and the bad. We will love each other through both.

The boys are ready for baby! Our 3yr old asks every day if the baby is moving and loves feeling him roll around. He's fascinated with boobies now as we have been attempting to prep him for mommy breastfeeding! And he wants to share room with the baby right away. Cute. He'll learn. Our 14yr old, on the other hand, is a little grossed out as the baby's movements get bigger but he's excited none the less! He still hasn't decided if he wants to be in the room when the baby is born this time. I think the last time was an eye opening experience ;0)

I have to say I am so grateful to everyone who prayed for us, brought meals, cleaned our house, visited, or just kept us in mind over the past months. We have really come to truly realize what an amazing group of people we have in our lives! This whole experience has been one of the hardest things I have ever endured but it has also been one of the greatest. I really believe that you find your strength in tough times. And we will come out of this stronger and with a beautiful new addition to our family. A reason to celebrate. Which we need this year as we process the loss of my husband's father and now the upcoming passing of my grandfather (who has been fighting cancer and other various issues for almost a year and is an amazing display of strength and stobbornness!). God works in mysterious ways. We don't always agree with His timing and reasons, but I am grateful for His guidance and love. He is the reason I know we will all be okay and the reason we have made it this far.

Naughty Stories

Before I begin...let me clarify that I'm not talking about THOSE stories you dirty birdies! I'm talking about the collection of stories that every parent has. EVERY parent! Regardless of race, religion, marital status, gender, etc. each parent collects these amazing stories over the life of their child. Unavoidably and even unaware that what they are experiencing will someday turn into the best stories in memory!

I was talking to my best friend this morning. She was at her wits end. The kids (ages 3 & 4)had eaten dog & cat food, dumped water on the floor, smeared toothpaste into the carpet, and broken into the stash of goodies mommy keeps to reward them for being good (ironic right?). My friend had already taken all the toys out of each of their rooms (a tactic I have used several times with my oldest! Toys are priveleges not rights.) and both kids were on time out in their rooms- not that it mattered to them as they continued to run to and from each others rooms whenever mom wasn't watching. What's wrong with these kids? What's wrong with this mom? Nothing. Really, there isn't even anything unusual about this scenario. This is parenthood. These are the stories. Every parent has them and if you are a parent and reading this, there are most likely many flashbacks to your own children playing in your head!

It's hard for first time parents (and my best friend's children are 17 months apart so they are double trouble!) to understand these things are normal. Parents are on a learning curve too. My oldest is 14 and the things we have gone through would make the hairs on your neck stand up- right before you laughed hysterically because after all, they didn't happen to you! I mean, I remember a specific instance where I sat on our bed crying and telling my husband we can't have any more children because we messed this one up so bad! But now that we have the 3yr old, I don't stress as much. I know we'll get through and he'll be fine. So I can collect the little stories and enjoy them.

When I talk about the stories here's what I mean. Have you ever heard a parent, whose child has grown up, say "I remember when she was little. Remember that day she did everything we told her to? It was so great!". Be real. IF someone said that you wouldn't believe it! Here's what real parents sound like, "UGH! When mine was that age she got into my make up and drew all over our freshly painted walls! The red lipstick would not come off the wall and we had to repaint all over again! I thought I was going to kill her!". And yet she still breathes. And that story will be told over and over again. Let's face it. We like to recount all the naughty little things our kids- and even our teens- do! Those stories are relatable and memorable!

The pictures above are the perfect example. This is our 3yr old (I think he was still 2 at the time) who thought it would be neat to get into his diaper powder.... in our bed. BUSTED! And you can tell by the look on his face! Here's the difference between child #1 and child #2. I don't have any pictures to accompany the stories with child #1 because every thing he did felt like the end of my parenting world! But by the time child #2 rolls around you can pause and preserve the memory. The kid will turn out fine. Even if he or she eats dog food! My husband and his borther were big fans of milk bones when they were little. They both made it out alive!

So to mommies and daddies the world over- and to my bestest friend who WILL survive this (the kids on the other hand....) I say take heart! You are in good company the world over for millions of years! You are good parents regardless of what your children do or say. Think of them as Ikea models. They don't come ready made, delivered to your door. Hell! They hardly come with directions at all and it seems like the ones they do have are in another language! You build them over the years and in the end, you sit back and enjoy your work. So collect those stories! And enjoy the fact that you have your sweet angel/demon babies to entertain you!

Excitement- a first in months!

So last night was a horrible night of sleep. My hips were spreading (although if they spread any more the baby will just fall out!) and I had to pee constantly. But in the midst of all this waking up and falling asleep, I dreamed many dreams. And to my surprise and delight, each of them was about bringing our baby home! This is a welcome change from the standard dreams I have had that are full of fear of the baby coming before he's due and having health issues or not making it all.

The first was that I went into labor at home and it went so fast that the doctor had to deliver in our room! Each other dream was about bringing him home, how big he was, breast feeding, introducing him to our family & friends. All of it was really normal stuff. Normal. There's something we haven't experienced this whole pregnancy.

But as we get closer to the end (a place we didn't prepare for) I think my subconscious is allowing me to feel something I have been scared to feel up until now. Excitement. I literally woke up excited about our baby for the first time this morning! No hesitancy. Just pure excitement! Again, I know it sounds strange to most people that you wouldn't be excited or prepared for a baby until the last few weeks of your pregnancy but our situation didn't lend itself to a lot of joy these past 6 months or so. Fear was our driving factor. So now as we close in on the finish line and things are starting to feel normal we can begin to feel normal feelings associated with the birth of a child!

I feel August will be a great month. Our baby hits 36 weeks and achieves full lung development! Final goal achieved! Also, our 14 yr old, who has been all over the country this summer visiting family, returns to us so he can be here for the birth! And my sister and her family are moving to Washington just in time for baby! It will be the first time in 12 years that we have family living near us and the timing couldn't be better! PLUS when I go into labor my mommy will be flying up from California! She has never missed a single one of her grand children's births. I have missed my mommy this pregnancy. I can't tell you how many times I have just wanted my mommy during this dark and scary time. So it will be so great to finally have her by my side!

I feel that I am getting to a place to finally process everything that has happened to us over the last few months. I feel the need to post a blog about the day that I went to the ER and our lives changed forever. I feel it would be cathartic. I am getting closer to a place where I can put it all in words. This whole situation has been something that I never pictured for us. It was a nightmare that's hard to put into words. But I will try. Soon.

I praise God in all this for bringing us through a really difficult situation. I know He has a plan and we will follow. He has been an awesome provider for us when things have looked their bleakest. I know He gave us this baby to make some major changes in our life that needed to take place. To point us in new directions and refocus us on what is important in life. Our family and our faith.

Holy cow! We're having a baby!

So obviously we all know I am pregnant. Our whole world has revolved around this pregnancy for the last 33 weeks. But up until now it's been very functional. We haven't been able to daydream, plan, set things up and bring things out of storage. We have been on a day to day and week to week basis just trying to reach one goal or another. All of the normal things that go along with expecting a new baby have been lost on us. It's not to say that I am not grateful. I am grateful and amazed beyond words to have each week. We never thought we'd even make it this far into the pregnancy. We didn't dream about bringing a baby home. We imagined how we would cope with visits to the NICU. And now as the weeks go by and we get closer we are able to breathe a bit. If our baby were to arrive right now it would be a matter of days that he would be in the NICU as opposed to weeks or months. While it's no parent's dream, it's a great relief!

So with so so much of the fear behind us, it's starting to hit me that I'm not just pregnant... I'm having a baby! I know to most people the two are the same. But to those of us who have had a traumatic pregnancy, the two are very separate. My husband and I haven't allowed ourselves to imagine what life will be like when we have our new baby home with us just in case that never happened. And even though I have felt him kick and move for months, it feels different now. I feel more connected to him. I can allow myself to enjoy the movements as opposed to simply feeling relief that he's still alive.

Last night my husband and I went shopping for the first time for the baby. It was surreal to pick out things we will need for him. There was still a hesitancy about it. A fear in the back of my mind that if we set things up and get ready that something will happen. But it felt good. It felt normal. This is what we should be doing! Today we will begin moving things around in our 3yr old's room to make room for his brother. I think that will really make it real for me. When we are creating a space in our home for our newest family member. There will be spaces reserved in drawers and on shelves for our little one as opposed to a pile of baby loot on the dining room table from the baby shower! He will have a room. A space that's his to share with his brother.

And while I know that we need to keep him in at LEAST until 36 weeks...and while I am so excited to finally meet this baby we have sacrificed so much for...I kinda don't want to have him just yet. I feel like I just now found out that I am having a baby and I need to enjoy my pregnancy for the first time! I can finally leave the house and I am enjoying having people ask when I'm due and what the baby's sex is. All the normal things that come along with having a baby. We went to dinner last night and when I slid into the booth I got stuck! My belly was too big! But the learning curve of adjusting to a belly was lost during this ordeal. None the less, it delighted me to not fit into that booth! These are the experiences I should be having. This will be our last baby (unless God creates a miracle that can reverse medical intervention!) so I NEED these last few weeks. To start to celebrate. To start to bond. And to live as though we are having a baby!

The funny of 3

As a mother of 2 1/2 boys, I have to say that my absolute favorite age is 3. Boys run a little behind girls in their intellectual thinking. So at 2 while girls are growing their imaginations and playing dolls, tea party, etc., boys are "physically inquisitive". Let me break that one down. I never referred to either of my boys' 2nd year as the "terrible 2's" but rather I called them the
"inquisitive 2's". Boys are just physically inquisitive. This often translates into climbing this, breaking that, swallowing who knows what just to see what it tastes like, and flushing any small item in the "magic bowl". It doesn't take the stress off the 2nd year to view it as inquisitive over terrible. Don't get me wrong! But when you understand it that way there is less anger added to the frustration. In addition to this physical need to explore their world, boys are often stuck in an eternal state of frustration. Their minds are going, their bodies are going, but their speech often falls behind their female counterparts (a trend that continues throughout life). So they get frustrated more often at not being able to communicate their feelings, needs, or thoughts and we end up with the inevitable and notorious temper tantrum. We always acknowledge how hard year 2 is for the parents but seldom think about how frustrated our toddlers are.

But then 3 comes along! And the language light switch turns on! (Enter angels singing from on high) Now, my two boys learned to speak at different rates. My oldest, being an only child, had less of a need to speak until later as I understood his toddler speak. Whereas our 3yr old spoke much earlier because whatever big brother was doing he wanted to do! But let me be very clear that speaking and communicating are two very different things to a small child! Knowing words is impressive but being able to clearly translate your thoughts into words is where the world really changes for little boys. And it gets entertaining for parents.

The first thing I love about 3 is their ability to discover things and TELL you about it! When my nephew was 3 we were walking through a parking garage and there was a red directional arrow on the ground. This type of thing is something we, as adults, typically overlook. But to my nephew it was the coolest thing he had discovered all day and he had to share the excitement! 3 is also when parents of little boys start hearing this several times over each day- "AIRPLANE! MOMMY! IT'S AN AIRPLANE! I FOUND ANOTHER ONE!". Everything is new an exciting and our boys are ready to share it all with us! I love it!

Then comes the story telling and the ability to translate their thoughts! The things that come out of a 3 yr old's mouth are priceless! It's like getting little glimpses of who they are and who they will be! Example: when my oldest was 3 we used to call his farts "froggies" because his bottom croaked when he farted. It was our cute and dainty way of addressing a stinky topic in our house. We didn't stop to think of how this translates in the mind of a 3 yr old. Then one day he was running around the living room naked after a bath and he stopped, dropped, and stuck his finger in his bottom! We immediately freaked out and told him to stop then asked what he was doing. His response, "I'm touchin' the froggies!". We no longer referred to his farts as froggies again. Age of discovery for parents and toddlers! And now we are once again going through the 3's with our next one. I love listening to him speak, play with his action figures (for which he creates the most elaborate story lines), and hold full conversations with me. For both my boys the ability to conversate and express things calmed the temper tantrums quite a bit.

Being a seasoned parent I am well aware that the temper tantrums will continue for my 3 yr old. The ability to communicate feelings is now lost on my 14 yr old. And that each age is precious in its own ways. The best parenting advice I ever got was to enjoy each stage they go through (good or bad) because they only go through it once and you can't get it back. This is true of 3 or 14. And now with a new baby on the way we have another set of years and discoveries at our finger tips! We are blessed and excited to see what things our boys discover!