Thursday, May 5, 2011
How old does this chick look? Does she look as old as she feels?
Tomorrow I turn 35. Ick. 35.
I have always welcomed birthdays. But this birthday feels different. It feels....old.
I had a friend in my 20's who dreaded her 25th birthday. She said it made her feel old because it meant she was half way through her 20's and almost to the dreaded 30. I laughed. How ridiculous is that?! I breezed through 25. Hell, I celebrated 30! Literally! My husband knew I was super excited about my 30th birthday and planned an elaborate surprise party with 18 of our closest friends at the Space Needle. Our friend is the Executive Chef there so he took extra special care of us. It was amazing! What made it better was that my mom was there and the day before she took me and my cousin to an all day spa day. They kept force feeding me water all day and hence I peed- a lot. They were convinced I was pregnant but after 2 years of trying and several miscarriages I kept telling them I don't GET pregnant. They insisted on a test and that night, the night before my 30th birthday, we found out we were expecting our 2nd son. Great birthday!
But here I am on the eve of 35 and I feel like that friend I had in my 20's. I feel like I'm half way to 40. I feel like I'm OLD. My body is weak and flabby (thank you bed rest & car accident), I have a kid in high school, I have no job, and I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. My sister asked me how I want to celebrate and I told her it's just another day. Celebrate? 35? Ugh.
I guess I feel like the clock is ticking and I'm at a standstill. I'm so grateful for where I am at but I have no idea where I need to be heading. Shouldn't I know that by now? I keep telling God to lead me where I need to go. But that guy has His own sense of timing and it's just not happening fast enough for me. Doesn't He know I'm running out of time? I'm almost 35 for heaven's sake!
I also feel like I'm still a kid in so many ways. I see pictures of celebrities that are "my age" and I feel like THEY are grownups. Me? I'm still a kid trapped in an ever decaying body. For the record, I like holding onto a bit of my inner child. Makes life more fun. But no matter how hard I hold onto it, the reality is that May 6th I will be 35.
So where do I go from here? How do I ring in this new year of my life properly and without distain? I'm sending out a birthday S.O.S.