35

How old does this chick look? Does she look as old as she feels?

Tomorrow I turn 35. Ick. 35.

I have always welcomed birthdays. But this birthday feels different. It feels....old.

I had a friend in my 20's who dreaded her 25th birthday. She said it made her feel old because it meant she was half way through her 20's and almost to the dreaded 30. I laughed. How ridiculous is that?! I breezed through 25. Hell, I celebrated 30! Literally! My husband knew I was super excited about my 30th birthday and planned an elaborate surprise party with 18 of our closest friends at the Space Needle. Our friend is the Executive Chef there so he took extra special care of us. It was amazing! What made it better was that my mom was there and the day before she took me and my cousin to an all day spa day. They kept force feeding me water all day and hence I peed- a lot. They were convinced I was pregnant but after 2 years of trying and several miscarriages I kept telling them I don't GET pregnant. They insisted on a test and that night, the night before my 30th birthday, we found out we were expecting our 2nd son. Great birthday!

But here I am on the eve of 35 and I feel like that friend I had in my 20's. I feel like I'm half way to 40. I feel like I'm OLD. My body is weak and flabby (thank you bed rest & car accident), I have a kid in high school, I have no job, and I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. My sister asked me how I want to celebrate and I told her it's just another day. Celebrate? 35? Ugh.

I guess I feel like the clock is ticking and I'm at a standstill. I'm so grateful for where I am at but I have no idea where I need to be heading. Shouldn't I know that by now? I keep telling God to lead me where I need to go. But that guy has His own sense of timing and it's just not happening fast enough for me. Doesn't He know I'm running out of time? I'm almost 35 for heaven's sake!

I also feel like I'm still a kid in so many ways. I see pictures of celebrities that are "my age" and I feel like THEY are grownups. Me? I'm still a kid trapped in an ever decaying body. For the record, I like holding onto a bit of my inner child. Makes life more fun. But no matter how hard I hold onto it, the reality is that May 6th I will be 35.

So where do I go from here? How do I ring in this new year of my life properly and without distain? I'm sending out a birthday S.O.S.

Grandma Has Taken My Body Hostage

So..... this should be me in about 50 years. However, this is how I feel now. Like a sassy young woman locked in an old lady's body. Although, it looks like she's in better shape than me.

It all started when I was 25. I used to exercise, do kick boxing, and go running. Around this time I woke up one morning in the most pain I had ever known. By back hurt so bad I literally had to call a friend to help me get out of bed! And much to my chagrin (proof of premature aging is the use of the word "chagrin") she also had to help me get dressed- underwear included. It was hell getting to the car and even worse riding in it. The doctor looked me over, asked what I had been doing lately and came to the determination that I had an inflammation of the joint that connects my hip to my spine. Pain killers, muscle relaxers & rest.

Over the next few years this would happen from time to time and the same routine would take place. Then my exercise program was in high gear in preparation for my wedding. By the time I hit my 3rd flare up in 6 months my Dr sent me in for an MRI. Turns out it was herniated disks. Awesome.

So over the course of the next few years I drastically limited my activity and revised my bucket list (No sky diving, no horseback riding, no bungee jumping, etc.). This all helped to tame the flare ups. But I put on 25lbs the first year from the change in activity level. Boo.

I got tired of just sitting. So in 2008 after my aunt dies of breast cancer at the age of 38 & my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer the next day, I decided I needed to get back out there and LIVE! Back problems be damned! The next 2 years I bowled, played laser tag, rock climbed (okay- it was a wall at the mall but it counts!, surfed, zip lined, snorkeled, kayaked and much more! It was amazeballs! It took some concentration to avoid flare ups but I had finally figured out how to ride the line between the young me and the old me!

Then in 2010 I was forced into bed rest for 23 weeks. Then I delivered, which was hard on my body due to the bed rest. Then I got hit by a drunk driver. Then I had surgery to remove my gall bladder a few weeks after the accident. 2010 left me feeling like my body doesn't belong to me. I don't feel strong. I don't feel like I'm where I want to be.

I've been in physical therapy, chiropractic & massage since the accident as they are trying to fix the neck issues I obtained from it and keep my spine in place to avoid a flare up in my lower back. But I woke up Saturday morning and when I went to get out of bed, my legs collapsed on me. Uh oh. I know this. My back is out. WHY? Why do I have to do this again?! I got to the chiropractor as soon as they opened, crying and cussing like a sailor the whole time. My body is twisted & crooked like an old lady. I FEEL like an old lady.

So as soon as this flare up is done it will be my goal to get my body back. I'm not talking about being skinny. 3 kids and a hubby who likey the curves have sealed that deal. I'm talking about being strong. To feel my age if not younger. I'm no old lady so I will get past this.