Monday, August 30, 2010

Cry Baby

So as of today I am 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant. A full week more pregnant than I have ever been. I have always loved being pregnant and have sung the praises of pregnancy to anyone who would listen! However, I have always inserted the disclaimer that much of that opinion can be attributed to the fact that I have never made it to the last few weeks of pregnancy. The really uncomfortable part. Well wasn't I lucky to insert that disclaimer into my exhalations of pregnancies!? Otherwise I'd be hearing a lot of "I told you so's" right about now!

I am sore. My hips feel like they are splintering, my herniated disks are being challenged daily, and I continually feel like someone has taken a baseball bat to my pubic bone. Awesome. I am not sure how much of this is attributed to the last few weeks of pregnancy or if it is a direct result of not really carrying the baby for 36 weeks since I was on bed rest. And I am EXHAUSTED! I sleep in 30-90 minute increments each night. So after a busy day it is of no relief to crawl into bed at night. And I cry. Yes. I cry. I am not sure if this is hormones or exhaustion. Probably a decent mix of both. And since being switch to modified bed rest at 32 weeks, I have had daily contractions. They are not painful but they are exhausting none the less. I am a hot mess all around. It's glamorous to say the least.

And it doesn't physically help that the baby is a linebacker. At our OB appointment last week we had an ultrasound to determine his size (since I have been measuring a few weeks ahead) and we found out that our little man isn't so little. My back, hips, and pubic bones have all been crying and suffering due to an 8lb 8 oz baby hanging out in my pelvis! That explains so much! but I have to say that his cute little chubby cheeks on the ultrasound made me want to meet him even more!

I also struggle with the mind games that still being pregnant has presented me. I know I should be so super grateful that he is still growing and getting healthier every day but the selfish, tired, uncomfortable part of me wants him out NOW! I feel guilt for still being pregnant when I know so many women (personally or through the bed rest forum I am on) who didn't make it this long. Why do I still get to be pregnant? It's just been a lot to deal with that I didn't expect. The whole time I was on bed rest I dreamed of making it to 36 weeks and being overjoyed with the success and the freedom. I wasn't prepared for the guilt and confusion that being full term would present. I feel like a cry baby but I can't control it. I will be better once he comes and is home. I know this.

But we have an end in sight. If he hasn't come naturally by September 7th, we will be induced. Again, due to his size, this will help increase my chances of delivering him vaginally. I just want my little man home, my body back, my sanity in tact (well- as much as it ever has been!) and a little bit of predictability in my life. Then I will stop being a cry baby.

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