I wanna be a Duggar

Before bed rest I rarely got a moment to sit, let alone create a solid TV viewing schedule outside of Sprout & Disney! But now I get to enjoy all that the land of cable has to offer! And I have to say that one of my biggest inspirations lately have been the Duggar Family whose show "19 Kids & Counting" airs on TLC. I've caught their show before and have admired them and their ability to handle so many children. I believe that God will give you no more than you can bare. God must know- I CANNOT BARE 19 CHILDREN! Three is good for me. But these people are made for the job! And the fact that they home school?!?!?! If I had 19 children I would have a daily countdown calender for each one for their first day of kindergarten! I'd be waiting for the bus an hour before it is scheduled to arrive their first day! But these two parents handle their brood with grace, love, and a patience I find remarkable and admirable!

If you follow the Duggars you may know that in December Michelle delivered their 19th baby at 24 weeks due to pre-eclampsia (a condition the mother endures that raises her blood pressure to unsafe levels and the only way to save mother and baby is delivery). Although I don't have pre-eclampsia, I can relate to the feelings of deciding to deliver early, trying to keep baby alive, and the stresses it puts on every member of the family. To watch this family function during their crisis (which they chose to share with us) should be a lesson to us all. Although the stress was clearly visible as Jim Bob prepared to go into surgery with Michelle for her C-Section, he gave praises the whole way. Through the surgery, months in the NICU, and the relocation of their whole family to be closer to the hospital, this family has displayed the type of faith that many of us struggle to find in tough times.

While I have days and weeks of depression during my journey through bed rest, I question why this is happening and how we will make it through. Meanwhile, the Duggars make it through the months of watching their youngest daughter, Josie, struggle for her life in the NICU with out a course word. They simply offer praise, kind words, and gratitude. The words "precious", "sweet", & "Thankful" are part of their every day vocabulary. They praise God for the gifts as well as the challenges He has given and each day they have with Josie. An amazing thing in light of their situation. And not something all of us could do.

So I wanna be a Duggar. I want the words that come out of my mouth to be full of praise and gratitude even- no, especially on the toughest days. I want to see God's lessons and blessings even when they aren't immediately apparent to me. I once heard on a radio sermon that tough times are like thunder storms. When you are standing in the middle of the storm and lightning and thunder are crashing down all around you, it's a scary place and you can't see a bit of beauty through the fear. But once that storm moves off onto the horizon, you can stand back and appreciate the beauty of that storm. I need to learn to appreciate the storm while it rains. I need to understand the precious gifts God is handing me while the thunder crashes down. the Duggars have figured out how to do this. They are raising some amazing children who, I feel, will be a blessing to the world as they grow and move out on their own. And they are, in ways they don't realize, providing parenting to many of us parents watching their show as they navigate the challenges of life with love, gratitude and faith.

Secret Baby

Sometimes I feel like I'm having a secret baby. For the first tri-mester we only told our absolute closest friends and immediate family. We felt the need to keep it a secret for the most part until we were out of the first tri-mester due to our history of miscarriage. I had only told my employees a week prior to my trip to the ER. When I did a post to our Facebook family the day after the trip to the ER asking for prayer, there was an outpouring of surprise. Of course we keep everyone updated now through this blog and Facebook so our out of state family can keep up with the growing belly. But when you only leave the house for the rare trip to the doctor, it feels like it's a big secret to the people you interact with on a daily basis. I feel like I'm just gonna pop back up at the store, church, etc. one day with a new baby and everyone will wonder where the heck that came from!

It's really rare to be on bedrest so early. From most books I have read and the fabulous, life saving forum I joined (KeepEmCookin.com) most women are placed on bed rest at the end of their pregnancy and there are quite a few that are placed on bedrest (mostly with cerclage) at about 22+ weeks. But I have been on since I was 13 weeks. If I carry to term (God willing!) I will have spent a total of 27 weeks in my house or almost 7 months! Ugh!

I have made it this far by trying to keep busy doing things from bed or the sofa. But there has been a lot of depression through this experience. Depression is something that runs in both my husband's as well as my family. So I have always successfully avoided depression by looking at the glass as half full (whether it be half full of champagne or sour milk!). But I can't avoid it in this situation. I am in constant fear, worry, and anxiety. My joy has left me even when I am happy. Does that make sense? I simply don't know what's going to happen to me and my baby and no matter how many people tell me I am doing the best I can for my baby and to hang in there because it's all for a good cause (which of course I know!) I just can't shake it. And please, please, please don't tell me how lucky I am to be on bedrest! It's hard watching your kids go to their baseball games, the park, movies, etc. without you. I feel like I am missing a piece of their life. It's hard watching my husband run and run to keep things going. The man never gets a moment to sit! It's hard knowing your friends are all going out but they'll be "thinking of you". There's no way to change any of these things as I know life goes on outside my door. But these are the things that keep mommies down.

And now on Wednesday I will find out if the job I have been at for the past 8 years is a thing of the past. We had our 24 week ultrasound that we had been waiting for to see if the blood pooling in the lining of my uterus had resolved itself and thankfully it had. Baby is healthy and growing ahead of schedule. BUT (at this point we expect the buts) the Placenta Previa that had moved 3 cm off my cervix is now an issue again. As the baby grows the placenta grows and as mine grew it grew, in part, back over a part of my cervix. So at my follow up OB appointment this Wednesday we will find out if I will remain on bedrest. With Placenta Previa still being present we pretty know what the answer will be.

It's devastating to be so far out of control of anything that is happening. But in all of this God has been good and provided in amazing ways. There has to be a plan for me and my secret little baby boy.

M.I.A.

It's been a while since my last post. So much has gone on and on top of it my laptop had to be sent out for service. Baaaaaaaad timing! Bed rest has been a challenge. My diagnosis has changed several times as each time my body corrects something, another issue arises. I keep saying my baby maker doesn't want to make babies any more but we are in the middle of making a baby. The current issue is that I have blood pooling in the lining of my uterus which can cause pre-term labor. Being only 22 weeks (5 months) it's waaaaaay too early for my baby boy to make an appearance so I have remained on bed rest with another 3 weeks until my next ultrasound. We will know after that ultrasound what direction our lives are taking. The appointment is May 20th and my job is only being held until May 26th per FMLA.

We have exhausted our savings as I haven't worked in 2 months. It's been crazy trying to get assistance even to cover pre-natal care as we can't afford the $542 insurance premium through my work. No worky... no money! I tell you that middle class is a tough place to be. Even though my husband only works 2 days a week (he stayed home with the kids while I worked) the state figured we weren't poor enough. There were hoops to jump through and a lot of crying on my part but we finally secured pre-natal care for me and insurance for the kids as well as food assistance. Additionally our church has been a huge help! I started helping with a ministry where volunteers knit scarves for the homeless. Gives me something to do and has been a life saver! The mom's group at our church has also started delivering meals a few times a week to relieve my poor exhausted husband of his around the clock care taker schedule. And we will take as much prayer as we can get! It's been amazing the amount of help we have received from friends. Taking the kids out, cleaning the house, shopping for us, and cooking. Wow. They have been truly amazing. Reaffirms why we chose to have them in our lives in the first place. They are all truly amazing people!

Baby is big and healthy and our other 2 kids have been so great! We're learning to navigate our way through this crazy situation! It's not something we could have ever planned for. It's caused me to think and pray for the hundreds of thousands of people across the country that are in similar situations due to health issues, unemployment, etc. It's your life turned upside down regardless of how many bases you thought you had covered. But we have been blessed in many ways. One of those ways is simply having time to mentally process my potential pending unemployment and to attempt to have a plan in place in that event. We'll get through. Somehow.