The Bear Hug

My baby wears a leash.
Only, we call it the Bear Hug.
Don't judge.

I have raised three boys.  3.  I'm not new to this.  The first boy I resisted the urge to use the Bear Hug because I, like so many, had strong opinions about it.  I also had two free hands and only one boy.  So when he slipped away and ran into traffic it had my full attention.  By the time I had my second boy, I started to run short on hands and attention.  So we got the Bear Hug.  And we loved it!  Now we are on our third boy and our relationship had moved beyond love to utter appreciation.

The fourth of July was the first time we brought out the Bear Hug for our 3rd boy.  He was almost 2 years old at the time and we were attending a large festival in our city.  Anyone who has ever pushed a stroller is well aware that people in crowds DO NOT move out of the way of a stroller and make no consideration for families with strollers.  In a crowd it's just every man for himself.  So we chose to use the Bear Hug.

I wish you could have seen our little boy!  Oh the taste of freedom!  He just couldn't believe his luck!  He spent the day with a huge grin plastered across his face and running through the crowd with his arms out to the side like an airplane!  He was in heaven!

BUT- you should have seen people's reactions to my child and his leash.  You would have thought I had handed him a bottle of gin and a smoke and sent him into the crowd.  People literally pointed and stared.  Meanwhile, other people sat in the crowd on their blankets smoking within feet of other peoples' children and that was okay.  But me and my safety leash- oh nooooo!  The horror!

About half way through the day my leash was justified in the saddest way.  As my toddler ran and tugged and pulled me though the crowd, we passed a mother with four children (age baby to about 8) and she was talking to the police.  Her children were crying and she was visibly distressed.  She had lost her 5th child and was working with the police to find him or her.  I said a quick prayer for her.  I hope I never know that feeling.  But that moment solidified my love for the bear hug.

The same people that judge you for using the leash are the ones that will also judge you for "letting" your child get lost or hit by a car.  The reality is that some kids will stay by your side and never think about stepping away from you.  Good for those families.  The other reality is that some kids have a spirit that takes them beyond their parents reach- literally.  I've raised both kinds of children.

So I will strap my kid in and let him wear his Bear Hug all day long!  The freedom makes him happy and the safety makes me happy.  I know this is a hot topic for families (and even people without kids) but I think it really boils down to what a parent feels is right in order to keep their children safe.  And safety for my boys comes in the form of a Bear Hug!

How Today Feels

This is the face that almost wasn't.

One year ago today I had no idea what was coming.

One year ago today I found out that I needed this baby.

One year ago today I could have lost this baby and my family could have lost me.

One year ago today God was working overtime changing things in our lives.

All week my brain has been trying to figure out what today would be like. Would I be moody? Would I be super happy because being here would mean we made it? Would it end up being just another day to me?

So here I am. I started off the day re-reading the blog I wrote about that day and crying. Why am I crying?! I don't cry! But I guess that's one of the many things that has changed in me this last year. My brain is a mixture of emotions today. They're swirling around trying to find some order.

I'm just so thankful for where we are at. Yeah some bad things happened over the course of the past year. But things could have been so different without God's grace and the support of our friends and family. Therefore I find myself being truly grateful for the happenings of this past year. There is a quote that I love that embodies how I feel about it:

"Sometimes amazing gifts come in surprising packages. Sometimes they are wrapped in heart break."

How true that is.

Through this turbulent year I have found a great community of people online who's support has been invaluable. I have rediscovered how amazing the people around me are. I learned to rely on other people and stop being as stubborn. I saw strength in my children that I didn't know was there. And I fell in love with my husband over and over and over again.

So while I'm sorting through a variety of emotions today, overall gratitude is what I feel. Things could have been very different. Things could have been worse. But in the end, things are exactly as they should be. They are just as God planned and for that I am forever changed and forever grateful.

Roll with it?

My baby is 4 months old. My baby is trying to roll over. My baby is eyeballing solid foods. My baby has found his toes. My baby is inching closer and closer to toddler hood, then little boyness, then teen years, then he'll be moving out!

This is my last baby. So every milestone marks the end of an era in me and my husband's life. So when my sweet little baby starts to roll over I have to seriously fight the urge to shove him back down and tell him that being a big boy is over rated! Which it totally is! I mean, come on. I think it's fair to say most men act like babies so let's just save this baby a ton of time encourage him to stay my sweet little baby forever! No? Damn.

I've never felt like this before. I have always marveled- and forced others to marvel- at how quick my boys have learned. How amazing they are to walk, talk, eat, coo, and all the other things our children do. I, like all other mothers, have been convinced that my son's ability to poop in the potty was a sign of genius. That the fact that he knows the alphabet will surely secure him his spot at Harvard.

So does it make me a bad mom that I want THIS baby to stay on the breast, never roll over, not learn to speak, FORGET growing any teeth! I just want to hold on to every baby moment. I want to snuggle him and love his little baby bum. I have 2 big boys. I can celebrate their growth and accomplishments! I can be a good mom to them!

Alas (Yes. I said Alas.) it can't be stopped. And in all reality I don't really want him to stay a baby. I just want it to go slower. The first year zips by so quickly. Then they're 5, then 15, then they are out on their own. But this is all an inevitable part of the job. I love my babies. All 3 of them. But part of me loving them is making sure they coo, roll over, poop, learn the alphabet.... and grow up. So while I can't stop it, I will cherish it. I will drink in every moment. And occasionally I may or may not push him back down when he tries to roll, crawl, or walk. But I'll be gentle.

Secret Baby

Sometimes I feel like I'm having a secret baby. For the first tri-mester we only told our absolute closest friends and immediate family. We felt the need to keep it a secret for the most part until we were out of the first tri-mester due to our history of miscarriage. I had only told my employees a week prior to my trip to the ER. When I did a post to our Facebook family the day after the trip to the ER asking for prayer, there was an outpouring of surprise. Of course we keep everyone updated now through this blog and Facebook so our out of state family can keep up with the growing belly. But when you only leave the house for the rare trip to the doctor, it feels like it's a big secret to the people you interact with on a daily basis. I feel like I'm just gonna pop back up at the store, church, etc. one day with a new baby and everyone will wonder where the heck that came from!

It's really rare to be on bedrest so early. From most books I have read and the fabulous, life saving forum I joined (KeepEmCookin.com) most women are placed on bed rest at the end of their pregnancy and there are quite a few that are placed on bedrest (mostly with cerclage) at about 22+ weeks. But I have been on since I was 13 weeks. If I carry to term (God willing!) I will have spent a total of 27 weeks in my house or almost 7 months! Ugh!

I have made it this far by trying to keep busy doing things from bed or the sofa. But there has been a lot of depression through this experience. Depression is something that runs in both my husband's as well as my family. So I have always successfully avoided depression by looking at the glass as half full (whether it be half full of champagne or sour milk!). But I can't avoid it in this situation. I am in constant fear, worry, and anxiety. My joy has left me even when I am happy. Does that make sense? I simply don't know what's going to happen to me and my baby and no matter how many people tell me I am doing the best I can for my baby and to hang in there because it's all for a good cause (which of course I know!) I just can't shake it. And please, please, please don't tell me how lucky I am to be on bedrest! It's hard watching your kids go to their baseball games, the park, movies, etc. without you. I feel like I am missing a piece of their life. It's hard watching my husband run and run to keep things going. The man never gets a moment to sit! It's hard knowing your friends are all going out but they'll be "thinking of you". There's no way to change any of these things as I know life goes on outside my door. But these are the things that keep mommies down.

And now on Wednesday I will find out if the job I have been at for the past 8 years is a thing of the past. We had our 24 week ultrasound that we had been waiting for to see if the blood pooling in the lining of my uterus had resolved itself and thankfully it had. Baby is healthy and growing ahead of schedule. BUT (at this point we expect the buts) the Placenta Previa that had moved 3 cm off my cervix is now an issue again. As the baby grows the placenta grows and as mine grew it grew, in part, back over a part of my cervix. So at my follow up OB appointment this Wednesday we will find out if I will remain on bedrest. With Placenta Previa still being present we pretty know what the answer will be.

It's devastating to be so far out of control of anything that is happening. But in all of this God has been good and provided in amazing ways. There has to be a plan for me and my secret little baby boy.

A Princess Locked in a Tower

It hit me yesterday as I was watching Shrek with my 3 year old. Being on bed rest is like being a princess locked in a tower just sitting and waiting for the kiss from her one true love to set her free! I am a prisoner of sorts for the next few weeks or months. But once my sweet angel baby is born, I will offer up the first of many, many kisses he will receive in his lifetime- the majority will hopefully come from me! And then in that instant, my days of captivity in my home will be over and I will be free to enjoy my true love!

As the days slowly move by in this journey of motherhood, I am finding ways to see my captivity as a good thing. It's a challenge as any woman who has had to do it will tell you. But I have always claimed myself to be a "glass is half full" type of girl. So it's my duty to myself- the now self proclaimed Princess of Positivity- to find the bright side. To find ways to enjoy the time while I wait for my little prince to offer up that first kiss. THE kiss of all kisses that he won't even remember but is the most precious kiss to any mother. The FIRST kiss. The kiss that will start a lifetime love affair and set his mommy free!