Sometimes I feel like I'm having a secret baby. For the first tri-mester we only told our absolute closest friends and immediate family. We felt the need to keep it a secret for the most part until we were out of the first tri-mester due to our history of miscarriage. I had only told my employees a week prior to my trip to the ER. When I did a post to our Facebook family the day after the trip to the ER asking for prayer, there was an outpouring of surprise. Of course we keep everyone updated now through this blog and Facebook so our out of state family can keep up with the growing belly. But when you only leave the house for the rare trip to the doctor, it feels like it's a big secret to the people you interact with on a daily basis. I feel like I'm just gonna pop back up at the store, church, etc. one day with a new baby and everyone will wonder where the heck that came from!
It's really rare to be on bedrest so early. From most books I have read and the fabulous, life saving forum I joined (KeepEmCookin.com) most women are placed on bed rest at the end of their pregnancy and there are quite a few that are placed on bedrest (mostly with cerclage) at about 22+ weeks. But I have been on since I was 13 weeks. If I carry to term (God willing!) I will have spent a total of 27 weeks in my house or almost 7 months! Ugh!
I have made it this far by trying to keep busy doing things from bed or the sofa. But there has been a lot of depression through this experience. Depression is something that runs in both my husband's as well as my family. So I have always successfully avoided depression by looking at the glass as half full (whether it be half full of champagne or sour milk!). But I can't avoid it in this situation. I am in constant fear, worry, and anxiety. My joy has left me even when I am happy. Does that make sense? I simply don't know what's going to happen to me and my baby and no matter how many people tell me I am doing the best I can for my baby and to hang in there because it's all for a good cause (which of course I know!) I just can't shake it. And please, please, please don't tell me how lucky I am to be on bedrest! It's hard watching your kids go to their baseball games, the park, movies, etc. without you. I feel like I am missing a piece of their life. It's hard watching my husband run and run to keep things going. The man never gets a moment to sit! It's hard knowing your friends are all going out but they'll be "thinking of you". There's no way to change any of these things as I know life goes on outside my door. But these are the things that keep mommies down.
And now on Wednesday I will find out if the job I have been at for the past 8 years is a thing of the past. We had our 24 week ultrasound that we had been waiting for to see if the blood pooling in the lining of my uterus had resolved itself and thankfully it had. Baby is healthy and growing ahead of schedule. BUT (at this point we expect the buts) the Placenta Previa that had moved 3 cm off my cervix is now an issue again. As the baby grows the placenta grows and as mine grew it grew, in part, back over a part of my cervix. So at my follow up OB appointment this Wednesday we will find out if I will remain on bedrest. With Placenta Previa still being present we pretty know what the answer will be.
It's devastating to be so far out of control of anything that is happening. But in all of this God has been good and provided in amazing ways. There has to be a plan for me and my secret little baby boy.