I need a Xanax. But that's not gonna happen. I need to go running- fast. That's not gonna happen either. I need to walk around Target. Nope. Not that either. All day I lay here on bed rest (or as I have deemed it this week- Bed Wreck) and dream of the things I want to do. My head spins in a million different directions as brilliant sparks of worry, anger, love, sadness, gratitude, anxiety, and frustration fly off of me. It seems like every emotion that sweeps over me has an equally paradoxical flip side that's soon to follow.
Example: our friends have been an absolute blessing donating their time and care to us! It's awesome to see their faces as they dote over my family and care for my home. Then on the flip side of that emotion I am jealous that I can't get up and care for my home and children. I feel like people are hovering over me even though I don't want to be alone. Are any of these emotions rational?
I know that I am growing a miracle and that it will all wash away when my beautiful baby boy is in my arms. But on the flip side I feel like I am being robbed of this experience to a certain extent. I should be out showing off my baby belly and having people open doors for me! I don't want to be resentful of the situation. And we all know that as a lady, society tells me that I should just smile and say it's easy because I'd do anything for my children. Doing it and enjoying it are two different stories kiddos!
This experience has left me with up days and down days. I have seen what remarkable people are in our lives and I have seen which are not capable of handling the care and feeding of a friend. I have seen strength in my husband that makes me love him more every day. And I have watched my children adapt beautifully to mommy's condition. But I have also endured more anxiety and fear in regard to our future than I have ever experienced. We are grabbing at straws trying to figure out how to keep our financial ship sailing until I can work again. We have fought with the State to get me pre-natal care and medical coverage for our children. I have questioned who I am without my job and the ability to be a mom to define me. And we still struggle in little ways every day with the loss of my husband's father. Despite sitting in bed every day for the last 10 weeks, everything has been whizzing past us so fast this year that we can't grab at it to make sense of it.
Bed Wreck is a mind fudge (insert expletive here) that I didn't expect. It has challenged my eternal optimism. But like my Pastor says, this is a season in life. And we will get through it. I just need to trust God more. He has been amazing in providing for us thus far! And besides, when my friends are holding agonizing labor stories over their kids' heads ("I was in labor for 24 hours! You don't KNOW pain!") I will trump them all! I thought Kaiden was going to have it rough with me holding 9 days of labor over his head. But that seems like cake comparatively at this point!