Relax. It's just parenting.

I used to be a helicopter.  I mean a full on hovering war craft looming over my kids and prepped for battle in the event that something were to happen or if they even started to make a bad decision.  I was going to swoop in guns a blazing and stop it from happening!  To some extent I still hang on to some of those helicopter mentalities.  But for the most part I now realize that being this type of parent doesn't benefit your kids.  It actually does more harm than good.  The change in me came with a series of classes I took at church.  It was "Parenting with Love & Logic".  I highly recommend the DVD, Books, or classes if you have the chance!  It changed who I was as a parent and the relationship I was on the verge of ruining with my (at the time) pre-teen.

The class taught me that my kids weren't the first kids ever.  Funny right?  But isn't that how we treat them?  Like kids have never been invented.  Like they've never survived without our constant watch for 18 years.  And one of the points that the instructor brought up was that we trust our dogs to learn our commands and use them more than we trust our kids.  Think about that one.  Mind.  Blown.  It also pointed out that I needed to get over myself because I was not the first parent ever.  I wasn't the one who discovered parenting and I will never be the best at it!  That's not an insult people.  It's a truth.

Parenting also is not a dictatorship.  It's a partnership with your children.  Specifically in the teen years.  If we hover over them and don't allow them to learn decision making they become failures in the real world.  It's best to allow them to make decisions and take responsibility for bad ones while they are still under our "direction" than when they are adults and there is no one (other than their parole officer) to guide them.  The class touched on lessons like not running lunch or homework to your child's class when they forget it.  In the real world if you forget, you deal with it until the next day, you learn from it and you don't do it again.  It taught bigger lessons like letting your child sit in a jail cell when they are teens and they get caught doing things like shop lifting or drinking.  The lessons have to hurt.  Sure it's hard for us too.  But better a hard lesson now than a permanent scar on their record later.

These classes changed who I was as a parent.  Which is good but also challenging.  It's good because my relationship with my teen is a good one.  He knows we will be there to talk his bad decisions out not hover over him yelling without giving him the chance to speak.  Think about it.  In the real world if you make a big mistake at work, do they bring you into a room, surround you by your bosses, scream at you, take away your computer, and tell you you're a bad person?  Hopefully not!  It's more likely that they'll bring you in a room, discuss the transgression, and either hold you accountable (via termination, write up, etc.,) or create a game plan to avoid the error in the future.  So which style of parenting prepares your teen for real world scenarios?  We have chosen discussion, action plans, & apologies.  Teaching our teen to talk things out and express their reasoning prepares them for the real world when they may have to do the same with a professor, employer, or cop.  This has reduced the amount of fights in our house but raised some eyebrows with people near us.  We get it.  People still like to scream at their kids.  They like to feel like they are in charge.  Great.  If that works for you, do it.  But this is our family and this is how we've chosen to do it.

For our younger children, many of the lessons are the same but the delivery and the scale is different.  Some of the examples in the class for younger kids include picking your battles.  Like if it's freezing out and your child is insistent on not wearing a coat (classic power struggle right?!) then simply say "Okay" and take it along in case they change their minds.  What are the chances that they will die of hypothermia that day? Slim to none.  But what are the chances that they will learn that a jacket is an excellent choice on a cold day and decide to wear one moving forward?  Sharing the decision making on small things reduces the amount of stress in your life and allows your child to learn how to care for themselves and make the right choices.  This is what our job is right?

Our house a co-op.  We all make choices and share decisions.  This has greatly reduced our need to fight.  We like it this way and we feel it's beneficial to our children.  We have the understanding that our kids are going to make bad decisions some times.  Our kids are going to say naughty things sometimes.  Our kids are going to get curious about boobs in their teen years.  Our kids may get caught cheating in class.   Our kids may be brought home by the police at some point in their adolescent life.  Our kids may bite another kid.  Our kids may break things.  Our kids may not always like us.  They aren't the first kids ever.  Kids have done this (and worse) for millions of years.  Does it still hurt us as parents when they make the wrong choice?  You bet!  There's no escaping that!  But we have to understand that it's a part of their process.  We did the same things or different things when we were kids.  And so it continues. 

This is what we signed up for parents.  There isn't a single parent in the world who hasn't had to face bad behavior.  This is literally the job folks.  And we need to be respectful about the job and humbled by the work.  Don't judge your fellow parents because they choose to lead their families differently.  Don't side eye that lady at Walmart (raises hand) giving her kids what for in the parking lot.  As long as we are guiding our children into the right decisions and holding them accountable for their actions that's what counts.  And if you haven't been there yet, hold your tongue.  Karma's a bitch.  Don't judge the struggles of teen parents if you haven't had a teen yet.  And don't tell a toddler mom she's doing it wrong when your baby is still in diapers.  You are not exempt.  It WILL happen to you!  Have respect for the work other parents are doing for their families.

Am we perfect parents?  HA!  Not close!  I'm the lady losing her cool some days in the Walmart parking lot.  I'm the lady letting my kids stay up past bed time simply because I missed them a little extra at work that day.  I'm the lady who has been known to drop an F bomb or two in front of the kids in traffic.  But I'm also the lady God chose to turn these boys into men.  Good men who make good choices.  my husband is the man that God chose to guide them and lead by his character.  God did this.  God knew what he was doing.  So even when it's hard, even when it's ugly, even when you're overwhelmed by this job, just remember: Relax.  It's just parenting.

Hi Ho! Hi Ho! It's back to work I go!

Last month the answer to our year and a half long financial prayers was received when I was invited to rejoin my prior employer whom I had parted ways with due to a disposition 3 years ago.  I got the job offer on a Friday and by Sunday I was on a plane to San Francisco for orientation!  Way to kick it back into gear right?!

It's been a mixed bag of emotions with me retuning to work.  A part of me loved having the opportunity to be a stay at home mom for so long and after 23 weeks of bed rest I surely appreciated 10 whole months of time with my baby before returning to work!  But part of me has always been a working mom.  This has been a balance that I've been familiar with since I was a baby as my own mother worked hard while raising us three girls on her own our whole lives.  This was my example and I follow it proudly.  I also have worked regularly since becoming a mother so I don't really know anything else.

I'm glad I got the opportunity to be at home for a while as it taught me many things (that I suppose I already knew) about myself.  Like the following:

1) I need daily structure.  Without it my ADD reigns supreme and I don't get nearly as much done!
2) I NEED to miss my kids.  Guess what.  You don't get to miss your kids when they're always hanging off you!
3) I need to be recognized for the work I do.  Not once while I was at home did anyone say "Mom, those socks you folded yesterday were an amazing piece of work!" or "Sweetie, your toilet cleaning skills above expectation!" 
4) I need days off.  That's the funny thing about being a stay at home mom.  No days off.  Same thing every day.
5) I want to teach people and have them listen.  Employees are faaaaaaar more likely to listen to advice than children.  Hands down.

There were so many things I was so grateful for while I was home too though!

1) It was reaffirmed that my husband and I are true soul mates and partners.  I mean, I was 100% reliant on him the whole time I was on bed rest.  Day in and day out.  And you know what?  He was amazing and we did fine being together every stinkin day!  We lived each one of our vows, "In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or for worse" and came out on top.  I love you honey!
2) My kids are amazing little people!  I knew it before but it was amazing to see them in their daily habits and routines.  When you work your days with them on the weekends are either running errands or doing something out of the ordinary like the zoo.
3) My sister and her 4 kids moved 2 blocks away (from California) just before I gave birth.  So I got to spend a ton of time with her and the kids during their first year in Washington!  A real treat since I've lived here for 13 years and haven't been able to get to know any of them.

So while my time home was blessed I am so glad to have been able to return to work.  And for a company I truly love!  I think this may have been part of the plan this whole time.  There were lessons I learned and like I always say, sometimes God whispers and sometimes he yells.  I don't think I was listening too well so he had to yell.  But great lessons came from all of the grief of the past year and a half so I wouldn't change any of it- with the exception of my father-in-law's suicide.  That I would change in a heart beat.

I am doing work differently this time and I made that clear in my interview.  I stated that for this season in life, I want a lighter load so I can go home on time each day, not work weekends, not be on my laptop each night after the kids go to sleep.  I want more of a balance to my work and personal life than I allowed before.  And so far I think I'm doing it.  I take lunch breaks and leave on time so my time with my family is not compromised.  I hope I keep this pace because it's pure bliss!

Yes, it's back to work I go.  But in the end, my home is still my #1 priority!

Sometimes a girl just need a good F$*#!

Somtimes life gets overwhelming. Sometimes you can feel the anxiety building. Sometimes you're just down right pissy and you need a release. Yes, sometimes you just need a good F$*#!

Let me clarify that I'm not talking about what you dirty birdies probably think I'm talking about (although that's kinda great too!). I'm talking about screaming out the F word! You know it feels good ladies. There's something so amazing and cathartic about peppering your sentances with an F-Bomb or two!

"Where are my F-ing keys?!"

"Why is this F-inbg house never clean?!"

"Green means GO F-er!"

"Clean your F-ing room!" (as said to your husband because none of us would ever utilize this foul language with our sweet children)

"Are you F-ing kidding me?!" (My personal fav!)

Yes, that ever versitile word packs a punch that only it can do. It turns a request into a demand. It shows you mean F-ing business. And it provides a form of release that only the F-bomb can do.

There is a time and a place for the F word.  You don't just bust it out anywhere ladies.  You can't just drop it at work, the grocery store, or church.

"Where are my F-ing reports?!"

"Are you guys out of F-ing Cool Whip?"

"A-F-ing-Men"

No.  You need to choose carefully when and where you use this most beloved of words.  It is a gift, a treasure, a delight.

For me personally it's like taking the cap off an emotional bottle.  I keep my cool as long as possible but once I reach F-bomb status we know I've hit a wall.  And at that point the addition of the F bomb to every other sentance is sheer luxury upon my lips!  It eases the intensity of the moment.  It's like tiny moments that ease my tention and provide clarity.

I am most likely to use the F-bomb during a bad day or when I'm in pain.  For either instance the people around me know that once the first F-bomb is dropped it's all business!

So while I don't use it as part of my every day vernacular, I love it so.  It may not be an every day thing but sometimes a girl truly does just need a good F$*#!

These Can't Be Oldies!

I grew up in an age of really great music. And I know you wouldn't know it by looking at me but I was hella gangsta in my teen years. Okay...maybe not. And before anyone calls bullshit I'll raise my hand and admit that Madonna was my Lady Gaga growing up. But the rap and R&B music in the 90's was amazeballs!

Music in the 90's was about enjoying life, partying, and having fun! It was before Gangster Rap was really prevelant but there were rappers that were hard core and carried strong political messages.

R&B divas were having their day like no other! Ladies like En Vogue, Toni Braxton, Mary J. Blige, SWV, & Xscape were singing sweet melodies in my teen ears and I loved it! And the men were tearing it up too with the likes of Jodeci, Boys II Men, Color Me Badd, Shai, and more. Music from A Tribe Called Quest, Digital Underground, Salt-N-Peppa, Blackstreet, De La Soul, and even MC Hammer provided a sound track to my youth that is still fun to listen to today.

Summers were filled with the sounds of Warren G & Nate Dogg, House of Pain, Snoop, Bone Thugz, Will Smith, and so many more! It was a fun time for music!

So when I hear MY music playing on an "Oldies Hour" on the radio I'm all like "HUH?!" When did that happen? Those aren't oldies?! Oldies are Marvin Gaye, Aretha, Stevie Wonder, Earth Wind & Fire. NOT Arrested Development and Biggie! Someone MUST have their information wrong. I mean who's running the show at these radio stations? 12 year olds?

So is that it? Is it official? Are we old because the music WE grew up on (which is still amazing!) is considered the oldies? I can't submit to this idea. So I'm taking my Tevin Campbell CD and I'm leaving!

How Much Is That Fatty In The Window?

I think I have reverse body dismorphia.  To be exact, I think I look better than I really do.  We can also refer to this as "The Jersey Shore Syndrome".

When people suffer from actual body dismorphia they hyper focus on one or more specific things about their body that drive them to think they aren't good enough or pretty enough.  Then they work endlessly to fix this issue even if it only exists in their heads.  

Me?  Well, lately when I look in my skinny mirror (Women know this well.  There are fat mirrors & skinny mirrors) I feel good about my post baby body!  I've dropped a few pounds, my clothes are a little less snug and I feel like a damned super model!  I'm still curvy.  Always have been and always will be.  I always say I'm not an hour glass figure, I'm more of an hour and a half to two hours.  My man loves me curvy so when I look in my skinny mirror I see one sexy beeotch!

Then reality sets in when I see a picture of myself.  UGH!  Who the hell is that hippo of a woman?!  I pick apart the picture.  Flabby arms, jello thighs, jiggly belly, and is that a double chin?  Oh hell no!  That all must be photo shopped!  That simply can't be the same beautiful woman in my skinny mirror!

So I have amped up my super model skills.  Mommies, you may already know them well but if not here are a few new moves for taking pictures. 

1) Strategically place small family members (a.k.a. the kids) in front of you as though you want them to be the star of this family photo.  But in reality you are hiding your rolly polly pudge.

2) To reduce the double chin appearance suction the back of your tongue to the roof of your mouth.  This will lift your second chin just long enough to take that shot!

3) Stand up.  ALWAYS stand up!  Taking photos of yourself in the sitting position will send you into a manic depression where you consume all chocolate within your reach.

4) When taking pictures with your husband, have him wrap his arms around you from BEHIND.  Pictures where he is embracing you face to face show just how much work it takes for him to get his arms around you.

5) Make it a priority to have your arms hidden behind you whenever possible.  A hand on the hip with elbow pointing backwards is a classic pose.

Despite the reality of my post baby body I am still proud of it.  It gave me my sweet baby boy.  And I am fortunate enough to have a man who loves some meat on his lady!  I'll close with this saying my husband lives by:

"Women weren't meant to slip through a man's fingers....but they weren't made to break his arms either!"

Thanks baby!  I love you!  Now go make me a sammich!