When I Grow Up To Be Big Me

I have been a mom for the past 15 years. I have been a working mom for the past 15 years. I have always enjoyed the balance of working and being a mom. I was raised by a strong single mom. So to me, this is how it works. This balance is not only attainable, but it's preferable as her example to me was that moms can juggle it all and do it all well.

At first I worked out of necessity. I was 20 years old and needed to support myself and my son. Once I was married, it wasn't a necessity but rather a preference. I loved the feeling of holding my own and coming home and keeping things running there too. And my favorite part of any day was that moment when mom walks through the door and the kids faces light up! Awe- some.

It was never my intention to be a stay at home mom for any length of time or for any reason. Not on my radar at all. So when I was put on bed rest last year and subsequently lost the job I had had for almost a decade, I panicked. My balance was gone. I was losing a big part of what made me...ME! But there wasn't much I could do about it. And to be quite frank, I had to pray on it to really feel at peace with what was happening. I feel that God is taking my life in a different direction because I was too afraid to do it myself.

So here we are almost a full year later. I am still not sure what I want to be when I grow up. I know I don't want to go back to what I was doing. Despite the fact that I was damn good at it. I want to find something that makes me truly happy. I mean, after being with my kids every day, whatever I end up doing will have to compete with them.

So right now I am trying to figure out what I will be when I grow up to be big me. I LOVE writing! But my blogs aren't pulling in the hard hitting cash needed to kiss my unemployment check bye bye. I know I have a lot to offer any employer. I am a hard worker and I LOVE challenges. But I can’t figure out what I want to apply that to. I look back into my childhood and I think about the only things I ever really wanted to be.

1) Mermaid- Off the list for obvious reasons
2) Miss Piggy- Ummm...half way there
3) Writer- I'm writing, but can I find a way to do it AND pay the mortgage?
4) Modeling- Hmmmm...maybe? But we can scratch SUPER model off the list (see #2)
5) Acting- Can this really be a safe option for a 35 year old house wife?
6) Ballet Dancer- This dream was abandoned years ago and is the ONLY regret I have in my life. I've thought about classes for fun but my broken body wouldn't make it.

So as I search Craigslist, & Monster.com, each week I wonder which career will be the one I will love. What will allow me to be happy while being a super stellar wife, mom, & employee? What will I be happy doing for the rest of my life. Life should not be spent in a job you don't love right?

Am I TOO good of a mother?

I have always been proud of who I was as a mother. Part if this comes from the fact that my husband and I have a plan in place. It's to teach our children to be adults. Our plan is that they would be confident and prepared by the time they move out at 18. Therefore our 14yr old already knows how to cook, clean (this one is questionable), sew, do his own laundry, and has his own bank account. For the most part I have been pleased with his progress. Just last night he was researching the cost of car insurance and planning out how many hours after school he would have to work in order to be able to pay for good coverage. I was patting myself on the back!

Then this morning happened. I made breakfast for the family and after my 14yr old had cleaned his plate he decided he wanted two more hash browns. I told him to go ahead and make himself a few more which he successfully did. Then it happened. He brought his plate over to me and asked for me to put the ketchup and hot sauce on because he didn't want to put too much on. Okay. So I start pouring. But as I did, I began to think.

"Why does he need me to do it?"
"What would he have done if I weren't here?"
"Does he lack the self confidence needed to pour his own condiments?"
"HOW WILL HE SURVIVE ON HIS OWN IF I'M NOT THERE TO POUR THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF HOT SAUCE?!?!?!?"

Does this mean that I am a good mother or am I not good enough? Have I not provided him the right amount of guidance and encouragement to make these minor decisions? Or do I take such amazing care of him that no hash brown would be as good unless mom flavored it herself?

AND WHY DO WE MOMS EVEN THINK THESE THINGS?

So now I'm at a cross roads. Now that I've recognized a problem, what do I do moving forward? What do I say the next time he wants me to pour his hot sauce?

No one ever said parenting would be easy. But no one ever warned me about the hot sauce either.

The Gratitude Challenge

Last year was a really hard year for our family and many, many bad things happened to us. Sometimes it seemed like more bad than good. But we just weren't looking close enough. There were amazing things happening all around us. So many amazing things came out of our bad year. And now in hindsight I am grateful for all the things we went through and I wouldn't change any of them. The exception to that being the death of my father in law.

So since things have calmed down my mind has been processing all the amazing things and the gratitude that I feel is overwhelming. I have been trying to think of the right ways to let all the people around me know just how much they have meant to me but nothing seemed big enough.

Today I figured it out.

I think that as people we are guilty of recognizing the crap in our lives and dwelling there. It's cozy. I think that for some reason it's harder to say "Thank you" than it is to say "That sucks". So I figured out a way to flip it all around and change that for myself. I am challenging myself to identify just who I am grateful for and to let them know just how much they have meant to me. And I want to see how many of you will take this change with me.

Here's the idea. I will pick one person (or place such as my church)each day in March and I will send them a hand written note (preferable) or email detailing why I am grateful for them, how they have been a blessing to me, and offering to return the favor to them if they ever need me. I'm going to start my list and letters now so that I am more likely to meet my goal of one a day. I will not let anyone know that I am doing this outside of my readers as I want these people to know this is sincere. I don't want them thinking they are just another name to put on the list as my intentions are true here.

My hope is that by the end of March I will have let 31 people know how special they are. I want to put good out into the world like these people did for me. Then in April I'll let you all know what an impact it had on them and me.

Who is willing to commit to take this challenge with me?

Grandma Has Taken My Body Hostage

So..... this should be me in about 50 years. However, this is how I feel now. Like a sassy young woman locked in an old lady's body. Although, it looks like she's in better shape than me.

It all started when I was 25. I used to exercise, do kick boxing, and go running. Around this time I woke up one morning in the most pain I had ever known. By back hurt so bad I literally had to call a friend to help me get out of bed! And much to my chagrin (proof of premature aging is the use of the word "chagrin") she also had to help me get dressed- underwear included. It was hell getting to the car and even worse riding in it. The doctor looked me over, asked what I had been doing lately and came to the determination that I had an inflammation of the joint that connects my hip to my spine. Pain killers, muscle relaxers & rest.

Over the next few years this would happen from time to time and the same routine would take place. Then my exercise program was in high gear in preparation for my wedding. By the time I hit my 3rd flare up in 6 months my Dr sent me in for an MRI. Turns out it was herniated disks. Awesome.

So over the course of the next few years I drastically limited my activity and revised my bucket list (No sky diving, no horseback riding, no bungee jumping, etc.). This all helped to tame the flare ups. But I put on 25lbs the first year from the change in activity level. Boo.

I got tired of just sitting. So in 2008 after my aunt dies of breast cancer at the age of 38 & my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer the next day, I decided I needed to get back out there and LIVE! Back problems be damned! The next 2 years I bowled, played laser tag, rock climbed (okay- it was a wall at the mall but it counts!, surfed, zip lined, snorkeled, kayaked and much more! It was amazeballs! It took some concentration to avoid flare ups but I had finally figured out how to ride the line between the young me and the old me!

Then in 2010 I was forced into bed rest for 23 weeks. Then I delivered, which was hard on my body due to the bed rest. Then I got hit by a drunk driver. Then I had surgery to remove my gall bladder a few weeks after the accident. 2010 left me feeling like my body doesn't belong to me. I don't feel strong. I don't feel like I'm where I want to be.

I've been in physical therapy, chiropractic & massage since the accident as they are trying to fix the neck issues I obtained from it and keep my spine in place to avoid a flare up in my lower back. But I woke up Saturday morning and when I went to get out of bed, my legs collapsed on me. Uh oh. I know this. My back is out. WHY? Why do I have to do this again?! I got to the chiropractor as soon as they opened, crying and cussing like a sailor the whole time. My body is twisted & crooked like an old lady. I FEEL like an old lady.

So as soon as this flare up is done it will be my goal to get my body back. I'm not talking about being skinny. 3 kids and a hubby who likey the curves have sealed that deal. I'm talking about being strong. To feel my age if not younger. I'm no old lady so I will get past this.

Who got an award? This girl!

I want to give a big thank you to The Belly Questions Blog for giving me this award! So sweet and thoughtful. There are rules that go along with receiving the award (because we have to share the love in the blog world!):

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.*

4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!

* I just wanna say that it's awesome to get this award and I was excited to turn around and give it back to other mommy bloggers with awesome sites! I have started following so many amazing blogs this past week that it was hard to JUST award the 15! I love you all mommy bloggers!


Seven things about me

1. I have an amazing hubby & 3 beautiful boys! Boring because you already knew that!

2. I have monkey toes. Really. I can actually pick things up with them- which came in handy when I was pregnant!

3. I'm obsessed with blog stats. I can't stop checking them!

4. I have an allergy to water where if I wash my hands too much I get small blisters on the skin between my fingers. Therefore I am a hand sinitizer freak!

5. I have one or two (wink!) OCD tendancies. But I'm comfortable with them. They are cute on me ;0)

6. I am a control freak and have a steady stream of anxiety about things that could go wrong.

7. I believe humor is usually the best way to communicate.


The bloggers I nominate

1) Dysfunctional SuperMom Because her blogs keep me smiling and laughing!
2) Love Heals Gage because she is one of the the strongest women I know and I am grateful that she has chosen to share her son's life and his journey with us.
3) Better Husbands & Fathers because there is a NEED in this world for husbands and fathers to step up and do it right! Eric is helping that call!
4) Sawyer's Heart because this lady took a heart breaking moment in her life and is using it to bring love and inspiration to others.
5) Chasing A Miracle because we were preggo together and her blogs are sweet, inspirational, and funny!
6) The Cre8tive Mom because I think she sneaks into my room at night and sucks the thoughts out of my brain and blogs them! She is hilarious!
7) Muddled Mother because she is real. She's Muddled. She's a mom. She's funny as heck! YES! HECK!
8) Real Houswives in Blogland is the funniest group of moms on the interwebs!
9) Trying Our Best because it's an interactive blog. She likes to ask questions & interact with readers. She's a funny tweeter too!
10)Fond of the Silliness because I likes the silly! I like blogs that make me giggle!
11) EC Writes because she's on a mission to essentially embarass herself for a year through her blogs! I'm all about it!
12) Surviving Motherhood because she's smart enough to have figured out that when your kids do naughty things (see my blog "Naughty Stories") that you take pictures and tell the story!
13) Domestic But Not Martha because she's got a lot goin on! Crafts, give aways, and her own brand of sunshine!
14) Because I Don't Scrapbook because she has cute kids and her button rocks hard.
15) The Girl In The Zebra Pumps because I can't get enough of her son & she gives good button love.


Thanks again!