Thursday, February 3, 2011

I. Am. Minivan.

I'm gangsta. I think that's something you should know about me. I roll out- and I roll hard. I drive an Escalade. But I live in the suburbs
ghetto so I need a high tech anti-theft system on my ride so I don't get jacked. That's why I have the MomVan2000 Escalade Protection System. It makes your dope ride look like a minivan. So far so good cuz homies don't trip off my shiznit.

Does anyone need that translated?

Here's the deal yo, I am a mom. I have 3 kids & 3 dogs. I've come to terms with what this means in my life. It means that the skirts are longer, the shirts aren't as low cut, the language is a bit more PG, AAAAAAAAAAAND that a minivan makes sense. Is it my dream car? Yeah, not so much. But it means that when I pull up to my kid's school it doesn't look like the clown car at a circus!

A long, long, time ago in a land not so far away my husband needed a used new car. We only had 1 child at the time so he had his eye on a 2 door Acura sports car.

Me: "Really honey? We do plan on making more baby people some day. You know how hard it's gonna be for your 6'2" self to load and unload baby seats from that thing?"
Him: "Me man! Me smart! Sports car good for family! Minivan baaaaaad! Makes balls shrivel up." (Disclaimer: I may or may not have exaggerated some or all of my husband’s quote)

Skip to present with 2 more babies in car seats.

Husband: "I think I need a bigger car honey. It's hard to get the kids in mine. Can I borrow the van?"
Me: "Excellent idea honey. I'm so lucky to have a smart husband! Swoon!"

It's not just men. I have several mom friends who don't "see themselves" in a minivan. Why? They are practical and useful. And another upside is that the kids will, no doubt, ruin it by dumping juice and crackers all over it, leaving crayons on the seat in the sun to melt all over the place, and somehow leaving shoe prints on the ceiling of it. So by the time they grow up and move out you can get that dream car you always wanted.

So surrender. Just let yourself feel the pull of the momvan. It's good. So good. And say it with me. "I. Am. Minivan."


  1. I am ashamed to admit that a mini van is my mom dream car!

  2. I don't really get all the minivan hate. I had no idea they were lame until that idea was reinforced over and over again on television. As far as I am concerned, you've got a family, get a car where everybody fits inside. There is no shame.